His presentation, titled “Alienating Behaviours Are Child Psychological Maltreatment: Prevention and Treatment,” resounded with urgency and truth.

Judge Marcus, a veteran of the family court bench in Jerusalem and a leading authority on child welfare, framed Parental Alienation not as a mere symptom of high-conflict divorce, but as a form of emotional abuse with profound and lasting effects on children. 

This is not a behavioral issue. Alienation during divorce is not merely a personal crisis. It is a public health issue, a psychological emergency, and a moral failure in how children are protected during family separation.

Erasing a parent forces the child into conflict. Split loyalty quietly fractures their inner world for years. 

That is why prevention is not enough. Efforts to avoid alienation must evolve into an active, systematic defence against it. Family systems, legal frameworks, educators, and therapists must recognise its danger and treat it as a priority.

What begins as a private dispute can escalate into a form of psychological warfare. The cost is paid in a child’s trust, mental health, and lifelong relationship patterns.

Neutrality is not protection. Silence is not safety.

This is a call to act, consistently, intelligently, and without delay.

Understanding the Roots: What is Parental Alienation?

Judge Marcus carefully distinguishes between the controversial label of “Parental Alienation Syndrome” and the more precise, legally serviceable concept of “Parental Alienating Behaviours” (PABs).

PABs encompass a range of actions or omissions by one parent that systematically erode the child’s bond with the other parent. These include:

• Criticizing the other parent where the child can hear
• Leaving the other parent out of essential moments or school events
• Allowing or encouraging the child to disrespect or reject the other parent
• Using schedules, holidays, or religion to push one parent aside is a form of control.

Even when done subtly or without intent, the damage to the child is no less real. In the words of Judge Marcus: 

“Children do not have the psychological architecture to resist manipulation by the parent they depend on.”

The real harm often hides behind words that sound noble. A parent says, “I’m protecting my child,” or “They deserve the truth.” But sharing adult anger under the guise of truth is not protection; it is harm. Making a child carry one parent’s bitterness strips away their innocence.

Like the mother who says, “Your father left because he doesn’t care.” That is not true. That is a wound. Or a father who routinely fails to bring the child to handovers, then says, “Mom didn’t want to see you today.” In both cases, the child internalizes rejection, distrust, and anxiety, not about the alienated parent, but about themselves.

Let’s say it’s true that a father left because he doesn’t care. A child (and most adults) is not mature enough to separate the behavior of an unhealthy parent from their self-perception. 

Alienating Behaviors: Psychological Child Maltreatment

In a forthcoming 2025 publication co-authored with psychologist Irit Kivenson Bar-On, Judge Marcus presents overwhelming evidence that PABs amount to psychological child maltreatment. The symptoms in alienated children often include:

• Distorted thinking, poor reality testing
• Emotional constriction or pseudo-maturity
• Gender identity confusion
• Unwarranted fear, aggression, or rejection of the alienated parent

A 2022 umbrella study covering over 11 million participants found that emotional maltreatment has consequences equal to, or greater than, physical and sexual abuse.

This reality is not only academically disturbing; it is morally devastating. We would never allow a parent to strike a child. But we do, time and again, permit emotional blows so devastating that children grow into adults scarred by distorted relationships, mistrust of authority, and difficulties in intimacy. And of course, the alienating parent is charged with self-righteousness and delusions of “protecting” their child. 

As a mediator and toenet rabbanit, I have seen children become tools in their parents’ unresolved trauma. And the tools used? Words, Withholding, Silence, Poisoned loyalty, false moral outrage, the alienating parent has an arsenal of nuclear emotional weapons.

Why It Happens: The Unseen Web

Judge Marcus reminds us that not every case of contact refusal is alienation. Some parents have genuine histories of abuse. Some struggle with untreated mental illness. Teens may withdraw as part of normal development.

But where a parent deliberately turns the child away from the other, or fails to protect the relationship, alienation takes root. This can take many forms:

• Framing the alienated parent as dangerous or incompetent
• Indulging the child’s hostility instead of challenging it
• Withholding information about school or health matters
• Invalidating the other parent’s role in front of the child

One mother told me, “I only roll my eyes when he calls.” But children read those eye rolls. They feel the withdrawal. Alienation is not just what we say—it’s how we say it, what we fail to say, and what we model.

Prevention: Building the Fence Before the Fall

“Why pull drowning children out,” asks Judge Marcus, “when we could build a fence to stop the fall?”

This fence is Primary Prevention, and it begins long before court. It includes:

Prenups – This is the essential. More than what is written in the prenup, the process of having difficult decisions about triggering topics is an excellent indication of maturity, responsibility and accountability. Most couples find the idea of talking about divorce “unromantic”. 

This might be true, but if you are truly seeking to find a suitable partner: 

1. You need to be a suitable partner and
2. You need to explore if you and your partner can have difficult conversations and be able to find solutions together , taking into account each other’s needs. 

Being able to disagree and find common ground is a great litmus test for compatibility.  Avoiding difficult  conversations and confrontation. I can not stress this point enough. More than what is written in the prenup is the process of problem solving together, perhaps the most important dimension of a strong marriage. 

Premarital Counseling – Conflict resolution, emotional regulation, and parenting philosophies should be standard curriculum.

Religious and Cultural Leaders – Rabbis, rebbetzins, teachers—all must speak clearly that parental alienation is a sin against the child.

Synagogue and School Leadership – Too often, principals and rabbis avoid involvement, fearing they’ll be seen as taking sides. But silence is complicity. When a parent is being alienated, our community must extend inclusion, not distance. Teacher need to include both parents, 

We must create literature, host workshops, distribute guidelines for families in crisis. Every parent should know: your ex is not your enemy. Your child is not your ally. And your grief must never be your child’s burden.

Identification and Intervention: Every Day Counts

Secondary Prevention means catching the signs early:

• A child who mimics adult accusations
• Sudden rejection of one parent without cause
• Splitting behavior: one parent “all good,” the other “all bad”

Professionals need tools:

• Schools must train teachers to spot emotional abuse
• Doctors and Nurses should include parenting dynamic questions in intake
• Therapists must be trained to distinguish alienation from justified distance
• Courts must refer high-conflict cases to trained family evaluators immediately
• Rabbi and Therapists must first speak with the other parent before giving any a “psak” instruction that they should or could cut off from a parent. 

I am working to build a screening protocol at intake for legal professionals. This is most complicated as the parents are usually in the height of conflict, emotionally overwhelmed and not nesseccarily able to put their emotions aside and unbiasedly put their children’s needs first. 

Alienation rarely happens overnight. It is slow, methodical, like Chinese water torture. And then suddenly, the dam breaks: “I hate him. I never want to see him again.”

Tertiary Response: When Court Is the Only Option

When prevention fails, courts become necessary. But Judge Marcus cautions: most judges are not trained psychologists. Without deep understanding of child attachment and trauma, courts may unintentionally reward alienating behavior.

Common errors include:

• Believing the child’s wishes without evaluating influence
• Allowing alienating parents to control access
• Avoiding enforcement to “avoid more conflict”
• Not understanding that children will often “side” with the abusive parent against the healthier parent. 

However, no contact is the highest level of conflict. Prolonged absence erodes any remaining bond. The court must:

• Move swiftly
• Sanction noncompliance
• Order therapeutic intervention

Family courts and Rabbinical Batei Din must be educated about the psychology of alienation. Courts often hesitate to limit an alienating parent’s time, fearing backlash. But unchecked manipulation masked as “shared parenting” can erode a child’s emotional foundation.

The Alternative: Healing Without the Gavel

Before court, we have better tools:

• Collaborative Divorce: Where both parties commit to fairness
• Mediation with Trauma-Informed Professionals: Where the goal is healing, not winning
• Conciliation through Shared Narrative: Where the child’s story matters most

But these methods require screening. Not every family is ready. Personality disorders, domestic abuse, and unresolved trauma can hijack the process. Some parents will use these methods to heap even more abuse onto the other parent. 

In my mediation practice, I’ve seen both: The miraculous transformation of parents who chose peace, and the devastation wrought by untreated narcissism, borderline behaviors, and vindictive patterns. 

My Plea: A Personal Reflection

This issue is not theoretical to me.

A father sits with tears, asking why his daughter stays silent.

Her son turns on her with harsh words, forgetting she once sat by his hospital bed.

A child whispers, “I love Mommy… but Daddy must not know.” He says she doesn’t really love me.”

It is the child who says to his father, “You can’t come to my wedding, because if you come Mommy won’t .”

This is a moral crisis.

And to every parent, I say:
Do not make your child your weapon.

Do not make your pain your child’s inheritance.

A Communal Call: What We Must Do

Judge Marcus challenges us all:

1. Inform: Highlight survivor stories through public awareness efforts.
2. Equip: Provide continuous education for lawyers, judges, rabbis, and mental health professionals.
3. Support: Allocate resources to early intervention and post-divorce recovery programs.
4. Protect: Make it unethical for legal professionals to support alienation knowingly.
5. Support: Build a communal safety net for alienated parents, including peer groups and mental health resources.

Conclusion: Every Child Deserves Both Parents

How tragic when a child feels lonely inside their own family—not because of death or distance, but because they have been taught to hate.

Let us end this.

Let us build systems that see, that intervene, that restore.

Let us honor the sacred right of a child to love both parents—freely, fully, and without fear.

For consultations, speaking engagements, or mediation inquiries:
Toenet Rabbanit Shoshana Goldstein-Nissenbaum, founder of Oseh Shalom Family Mediation
Email: sgn@toenet.com Tel: 054-798-5733For Judge Philip Marcus’ publications and professional trainings:
Email: philipmarcusjurist@gmail.com

The post Parental Alienation: A Call to Conscience and Collective Action first appeared on .

However, I also see their deep love for their children. Very often, parents will stay in a bad marriage for the sake of the children, pushing themselves to exhaustion. Generally, parents genuinely want what is best for their children, but are not always sure how that looks or how to offer it amid so much pain and confusion.

Many children personalize the divorce and believe that the divorce is their fault.

Children want and need to love both their parents and be able to receive unconditional positive regard and responsiveness from both parents.

This piece offers practical and thoughtful ways to help your children stay whole, even when the family around them feels broken.

Children Are Not Extensions of the Fight

One of the greatest dangers after a high-conflict divorce is when children are pulled into the emotional war zone. They feel pressured to choose sides, to act as messengers, or to protect one parent from the other. No child should be made to feel responsible for adult pain. And yet, it happens constantly. It is the greatest challenge of the divorced parent to leave the children completely out of any conflict between the parents, and it is also essential that the child not be involved in any way. It is natural to feel that we want our children to side with us. We want them to understand us, not blame us, justify the divorce, soothe our grief or guilt and make us feel less alone. It’s normal to try to convince ourselves that we are doing the right thing by doing the above. Don’t the children need to know the truth? Your relationship with your ex-spouse could be strained, and you might be going through tough emotional times. But involving children in parents conflict is unhealthy for the children. We have stepped off the path the minute we want our children to take sides. We will all slip here and there; we are human after all. However, we must be conscious of the severity of involving the children in conflict and committed to honest reflection and accountability when we veer from the path.

Your child might express guilt for wanting to call the other parent. They might feel confused about who they are allowed to love. I always tell my clients that their child is half you and half your ex. When you insult or reject your ex in front of your child, that child often hears you rejecting half of who they are.

Repeating Trash Talk

Your children may come to you after spending time with the other parent and repeat negative comments about you. The natural reaction is to feel defensive and hurt and to lash out with negative comments of your own. Natural? Yes. Emotionally healthy? No.

Divorce done well asks a lot of adults, and this is one of those times. Rather than lashing out, apply your child filter: What response is best for my children?

The answer is to keep a cool head and not react. No drama, please. Stay in your role as a parent. Watch your body language to make sure it supports comments you can make, such as –

• Hmm. (Yep, that’s it!)
• Your mom and I see things differently.
• If you have questions for me, ask. I’m happy to talk with you.
• It’s not your job to tell me what Dad says. I’ll speak directly with him.

Two Homes, Two Sets of Rules

Each parent will have different house rules in their post-divorce homes. It takes adjustment for children as they move back and forth between parents. Fortunately, children are adept at adjusting to differing rules for each home and are typically more flexible than adults in this way. They quickly learn, for example, that rules at daycare or school differ from those at home, and they adapt. They can apply this experience to Mom’s and Dad’s rules with minimal difficulty.

Harder for adults is the often-disconcerting realisation that they have no power over what happens at the other parent’s house. The rules for bedtime, chores, curfew, discipline, and family routines frequently vary from home to home. Successful co-parents accept that unless a situation has to do with them, or is about their child’s immediate health or welfare, what happens at the other parent’s home isn’t their business. That said, it always helps children when both parents have similar rules.

You Do Not Have to Like Your Ex to Respect Their Role

I know it is difficult, but I have sat with many clients whose former spouses have hurt them deeply. They ask me, “How can I possibly support my child having a relationship with my ex after everything he/she has done?” My answer is always the same – you’re not supporting him but helping your child.

Let your children talk freely about happy moments or simple daily things they’ve experienced with their other parents. Sometimes, your child says something that surprises you or hits a tender spot. Instead of reacting right away, pause. Take a breath. Look them in the eye and listen with your whole heart. Children feel safest when they know that at least one parent can stay steady, even when everything else feels broken. Even if you and your ex don’t always see eye to eye, your child is far more likely to thrive when they feel secure and deeply loved by each of you.

The best gift divorced parents can give their children is respect for the other parent.

Managing Transitions Calmly

Exchanges between homes can become a hotspot for drama. If the drop-off becomes a weekly routine, your child will likely dread it. Try to keep transitions short, neutral, and predictable with no big discussions and no last-minute surprises, just a steady routine that helps your child feel safe and secure during every handoff between homes. Even if the other parent acts out, your calmness becomes a safe place for your child. The best way for children to move from one home to the next is via school/gan.

One of my clients started keeping a transition bag by the door. It had her child’s favorite book, a small toy, and a snack. The message was simple – this change is okay. You are loved. You are safe. That little act helped the child settle down and protected her no matter where she was going.

With the difficulties of transition in mind, I created the CustodyCare magnetic board. This board was designed with child physiologists, experienced kindergarten teachers and parents. It gives a feeling of stability in a fun way.

Avoid the Language of Loyalty

Children should never feel like loving one parent means betraying the other. After a brutal divorce, even subtle comments can create emotional pressure. What may seem like an offhand remark to you might feel like a loyalty test to your child.

Watch out for sentences like –

• After everything I did for you, do you still want to go to his house?
• Why did he not call you? That shows how much he cares.
• You don’t want to be there, do you?

Even subtle remarks can make a child feel like they are betraying you by enjoying time with their other parent. Loyalty conflicts can lead to emotional shutdown, anxiety, and long-term trust issues. Your child should never have to prove their love to either parent.

Instead, say things like –

• I hope you have a good time.
• If you want to talk while you are there, call me.
• You can tell me anything.

Erasing the pain is not the goal, but making space for your child to feel safe and loved without being trapped in the middle is.

When the Other Parent Is Unsafe for Your Child

Sometimes, one parent might act in manipulative, emotionally damaging, or just plain unhelpful ways, which can mess with the kid’s ability to have a good relationship with them. But even then, your child still deserves honesty without hate.

Instead of “He does not care about you,” try, “Your father is struggling right now. I am here to keep you safe.” That keeps the door open for your child to feel sadness, confusion, or anger without being forced to take your side.

Remember, children often grow into their own opinions. Let them arrive at those truths without being pushed.

You Can Set Boundaries and Still Be Supportive

Loving your child means protecting them, including setting behavior, language, and safety limits. You can gently say, “Here at home, we speak with kindness about both of your parents,” or “What matters most is that you feel safe wherever you are.” Boundaries from love are not harsh; they remind your child that their well-being matters and that home is still a place of peace. Supporting your child’s connection with both parents never means accepting behavior that puts them at risk.

Another way to express it is –

• I must ensure you are safe, which means we have some rules.
• We do not talk to each other that way in this house.
• You can have your relationship with your father, and I am here if you want to talk.

Despite a messy life, you are modelling strength, kindness, and healthy communication.

Your Child’s Healing Is a Long-Term Process

Fixing everything today is not the goal because divorce leaves layers, and there will be hard days. Your child might pull away, act out, or go silent. What matters most is consistency.

Keep showing up with a soft tone and reinforcing that you can love us both.

Sometimes, children come home from their other parent’s house angry, moody, or overly quiet. 

Do not take it personally; give them space to adjust and gently say it seems like you had a hard day. Want to talk about it? Then wait.

Stay Focused on the Long Game

It is easy to get caught up in short-term wins, like who got more holidays, had the last word, or was the better parent. Raising emotionally healthy children is a long game, and you do not have to win every point; you can only be the steady one who listens, sets boundries and forgives.

Over time, children remember consistency more than drama. They remember who showed up and who made them feel safe; that is the real legacy you are building.

Give Yourself Grace

No parent gets it right all the time. You will lose your temper, say something you regret, and feel like you are failing. And that is okay.

What matters is that you come back. You apologize and recommit, knowing your children are not expecting perfection. They are hoping for a connection, so let that be your goal.

Teach Through Example, Not Explanation

Children are watching how you respond to pain, stress, and betrayal, and they will learn to be respectful and loving by how you live. If you want your child to speak kindly, let them hear you say with care. If you want them to resolve conflict thoughtfully, show them how you hold difficult emotions without lashing out.

Your healing is a roadmap for theirs, and when you are grounded, your children feel it. And even when you struggle but continue to show up, it teaches them more than any lecture ever could.

Build Rituals That Reassure

After a brutal divorce, many of the family routines may be broken or lost. Rebuilding small rituals helps restore a child’s sense of belonging. It can be as simple as a bedtime bracha, a Friday night story, or a walk to the market together.

These small consistencies send a powerful message – This home is still home, and while it may be different, it is strong, and you are still loved and secure.

Final Thoughts

Divorces marked by high conflict can leave lasting effects, but children should not be the ones to carry that burden indefinitely. Children feel safest when one parent stays steady. They need someone who leads with quiet strength, sets kind but clear limits, and avoids speaking harshly about the other parent.

That kind of calm presence gives them the space to grow, even when everything around them feels unsettled. By showing your child that stability is still possible, you help them believe they can stay resilient, even when their environment is uncertain.

Halachic Support Through Life’s Hardest Moments

I am Shoshana Goldstein Nissenbaum, a licensed Toenet Rabbanit and divorce mediator. I represent clients in Beit Din successfully navigate divorce, custody, child allowance, division of assets and all other pre- and post-divorce issues with dignity and compassion.

If you struggle to balance protection with co-parenting, I invite you to reach out. I work closely with my clients to create parenting strategies that keep the children’s best interests in mind.

For a private consultation, contact me on 054 798 5733 or click here to book a consultation.

The post Helping Your Children Love Both Parents After a Brutal Divorce first appeared on .

Children process divorce very differently than adults. Understanding their fears and confusion is the first step to offering them safety and stability. Your child’s world is about to be turned upside down. Meal time, vacations, trips and holidays will never be the same. Your divorce might be the best thing for your family, but your child will not be able to understand that. From a child’s perspective a divorce is no different than an amputation. And again, there are times when an amputation is medically  necessary, it’s painful and requires a lot adjustment and rehabilitation. Most parents would go to the end of the earth to protect their children. Yet, those same parents unknowingly  (or refuse to know) share directly or indirectly information regarding their divorce case with their children. Parents should agree on an ironclad rule that the children are not included or informed or involved with any details of negotiations surrounding the divorce.   This includes talking to your toen, lawyer, family or friends about the divorce . Your children should not know or hear the words Beit Din, court, judge, custody, visitation,  social worker, alimony or child support.

Your goal is to walk your children through this divorce peacefully. You don’t want your children to  see life through the lens of your divorce. Make sure they know and they will always have two parents, even if they are no longer living together.

Preparing for the Conversation

Before sitting down with your children, take the time to prepare emotionally and practically:

• Choose a time when all children can be present – preferably Motzei Shabbat or after school when they won’t have to rush off.
• Decide on the key points you will share – keep it simple, honest, and age-appropriate.
• Anticipate questions and reactions – be ready to address their concerns calmly.
• Maintain a united front – even if tensions exist between you and your spouse, you must both present a message of support and stability.
• Discuss logistics beforehand – make sure you and your co-parent agree on basic custody arrangements before speaking with the children.

Expert Insight: “Children need certainty and security. The way parents communicate about divorce will shape how children cope with the transition.” – Dr. Joanne Pedro-Carroll, Child Psychologist.

Finding Your Breath Before You Speak: The Moment Itself

So, you’ve done the prep work. You’ve hopefully found a sliver of calm within yourself, agreed on the core message with your co-parent, and picked a time when the world outside can pause for a moment. Now comes the actual conversation. Walking into that room can feel like walking towards a precipice. Remember to breathe. Your children will sense your anxiety, yes, but they will also sense your intention. Aim for a calm presence, not a cold one. It’s about showing them, “This is hard, I feel it too, but I am here for you, solid and steady.”

When you gather them, try to create a feeling of connection, maybe just by sitting close on the sofa. You don’t need a grand opening statement. Sometimes starting simply with, “We have something really important we need to share with you all,” is enough. Use that “we” language you practiced; it signals unity even if things feel fractured behind the scenes. Then, deliver the news you agreed upon – directly, kindly, without confusing jargon. Something like, “Mom and Dad/Abba and Imma have made a very difficult decision that we need to live in different homes now. We are getting a divorce.”

The crucial next breath? That’s for reassurance. Pour it on thick. Immediately emphasize it’s not their fault. Say it multiple times, different ways. Stress that this is about adult issues, grown-up unhappiness, that has absolutely zero to do with them or anything they did or didn’t do. And wrap it all in love – reiterate, profoundly, that your love for them is unchanging, absolute, and that you will both always be their parents, no matter what.

Then comes the silence. Or maybe, the storm. Let it happen. Don’t rush to fill the quiet or immediately try to fix the tears or anger. Just hold the space. Your ability to simply sit with their raw emotion, without needing to shut it down, is profoundly validating. Nod. Say, “I hear you,” or “I see this hurts.” Connect with their feeling before you try to address the practicalities. This quiet presence, this willingness to witness their pain without flinching, builds more trust than any perfectly crafted answer ever could. Remember, validation first, answers second.

Answering Tough Questions

Q: “Why are you getting divorced?” A: “This is a decision we made as adults because the marriage is not working. But it has nothing to do with you, and we both love you very much.”

Q: “Will I have to move?” A: “We will make sure you have a safe, comfortable home with each of us. We will keep you updated on any changes. If any big changes happen, we will always talk to you first.”

Q: “Can you get back together?” A: “We know you would love that, but this decision is final. Even though we won’t be married, we will always work together as your parents.”

Q: “You always tell us to get along and forgive. You’re the adults—why can’t you do it?” A: “That’s a really good question. Forgiving and getting along are very important, and we are working on that. But being married is different from being friends or family. Sometimes, the best way to be good parents is to live in separate homes where we can both be happy.”

Q: “Who is going to do shidduchim with a family like this?” A: “Shidduchim come from Hashem, and every person has their own unique path. Many wonderful people come from divorced families and go on to build happy, loving homes. What truly matters is how we treat each other, the values we uphold, and the strength we build as a family moving forward. There are many families with divorced parents where the children have found excellent matches and built strong, loving marriages.”

Q: “I don’t want to live with Abba/Imma. I only want to live with Imma/Abba.” A: “We understand that this is a big change, and it’s okay to have strong feelings about it. We will make sure that you have a schedule that helps you feel safe and comfortable. Both of us love you very much, and we want to make sure you continue to have a strong relationship with each of us.”

Example Response for a Child Who Insists on Living Only with One Parent: “I hear that right now you feel like you only want to live with one of us. Sometimes, when things change, we have big emotions. But we know that both of us are important in your life. ”- this should be said by the parent who the children claim they want to live with.

Other Potential Questions:

• “Who will take care of me when I’m sick?” – “Both of us will always take care of you. If you get sick while at Abba’s house, he will take care of you. If you get sick at Imma’s house, she will take care of you. And we will always make sure you have everything you need.”
• “Will you still come to my school events?” – “Yes, both of us will still be involved in your life. Sometimes we will come together, and sometimes separately, but we will always support you.”
• “What happens if I miss the other parent?” – “It’s okay to miss us when you’re at the other home. You can always call or send a message, and we can make sure you have time to check in.”
• “Will we still celebrate Yomim Tovim together?” – “That depends on what works best for our family. Some Yomim Tovim might be together, and some might be separate, but we will always make sure you feel happy and included in the celebrations.” If you do not plan on spending the Yomim Tovim together- tell the children “We are committed to making the Yomim Tovim enjoyable as possible.
• “What if I don’t like going back and forth between two houses?” – “That’s understandable, and we will do our best to make things comfortable for you. We will have special things for you in both homes and create a plan that makes moving back and forth easier.”

Expert Insight: “Answer questions honestly, but in a way that does not burden the child with adult problems.” – Dr. William Doherty, Family Therapist.

Life After the Initial Talk: Weathering the Changes Together

Getting through that first conversation feels like scaling a mountain. But reaching the summit just reveals a whole new landscape to navigate. The days and weeks following the initial talk are where the real work of adjustment begins, both for your children and for you. This isn’t about suddenly everything being okay; it’s about building a new kind of normal, slowly and patiently.

Don’t assume one conversation is enough. Kids process big news in layers, often revisiting it in their minds long after the initial shock wears off. New questions might bubble up days later, or feelings might intensify. Keep the door open. Let them know, implicitly and explicitly, that it’s always okay to talk about it, to ask more, to feel sad or angry again. Sometimes a simple, “Just checking in – how are things feeling today?” can create that space. Let their pace guide these follow-up chats.

Consistency becomes a lifeboat in choppy waters. The world feels unpredictable, so create predictability wherever you can. Sticking to routines – bedtimes, homework schedules, meal times – provides comfort. And crucially, try your absolute hardest to establish and maintain a consistent schedule for transitions between homes. Knowing what to expect, week to week, helps children feel more secure and less anxious. Aiming for similar core rules and expectations in both households also helps immensely, reducing confusion and the potential for kids to feel caught in loyalty binds or exploit differences.

This leads to perhaps the most vital ongoing task: shielding your kids from conflict. That united front you hopefully started with? It needs to become your co-parenting mantra. Whatever frustrations, disagreements, or hurt feelings exist between you and your ex-partner must be handled away from the children. No exceptions. No snide remarks, no tense phone calls in their hearing, no asking them to relay messages. Witnessing parental conflict is incredibly stressful and damaging for children. Communicate directly with your co-parent about logistics, schedules, and child-related decisions, but keep it business-like and private. Use email, specific co-parenting apps, or even mediation if direct communication consistently devolves into arguments. Your children’s well-being depends on this buffer.

Recognize too, that this is a time of grief. Your children are mourning the loss of the family they knew, the future they imagined. Allow space for that sadness. Don’t try to cheer them up constantly or minimize their feelings. Sometimes they just need to be sad, and they need to know that’s okay. And extend that same grace to yourself – you’re grieving too. Finding healthy outlets for your own emotions is vital. Consider your support system – lean on trusted friends or family who are genuinely supportive (not those who fuel conflict). And don’t hesitate to seek professional help if your child seems stuck in their grief or anxiety, exhibiting prolonged changes in behavior or mood. A therapist or school counselor can be an invaluable ally. Taking care of your own mental health is not selfish; it’s essential for being the parent your children need right now.

Final Thoughts

Divorce is a difficult transition, but children can emerge resilient when given love, stability, and clear communication. By approaching the conversation with care and preparing for different reactions, you provide them with the foundation they need to navigate this change. The above advice is general and may not be applicable to your family. Before having this life altering conversation with your children, it is best to consult a professional who knows your family dynamic.

Shoshana Goldstein-Nissenbaum, Toenet Rabbanit and Mediator, has a wealth of knowledge on how to navigate the difficulties and transitions of divorce. With years of experience guiding families through complex and emotional challenges, she offers more than just advocacy or mediation—she provides a compassionate, strategic approach to help parents and children build resilience and stability during this transition. Her work extends beyond legal and halachic expertise—she helps families create lasting, peaceful co-parenting structures that support children’s emotional well-being.

She helps parents create sustainable co-parenting plans, develop healthy communication, and build a strong foundation for their children’s emotional security. If you are navigating divorce and need guidance, support, or mediation, reach out for expert advice and practical solutions tailored to your family’s needs.

Peace begins with a plan. Schedule a consultation today to get the structure you and your children need.

“The way parents handle divorce will shape how their children view relationships and trust in the future.” – Dr. Judith Wallerstein, Psychologist.

The post GUIDEBOOK: HOW TO TELL YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT DIVORCE first appeared on .

You may find yourself cleaning an entire home alone, preparing for a seder without a partner, or facing the pain of not being with your children for the chag. Whether you have your kids with you for all of Pesach, just part of it, or not at all, this guide is here to support you. You are not alone.

1. Yes—This Is Hard. And That’s Okay.

Let’s begin by acknowledging a brutal truth: preparing for Pesach as a single parent is exhausting—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Cleaning the house while managing children, cooking for Yom Tov without assistance, and feeling the weight of responsibility on your shoulders can evoke genuine grief. You might miss the way Pesach “used to be” or grieve the dreams you had for what this time would look like.

If your children are with your ex for the Seder, you may be battling feelings of loneliness or sadness. If they’re with you, you might feel pressure to “make it magical” all by yourself. Either way, permit yourself to feel. This holiday is about transformation and redemption—there is space for both your pain and your growth.

2. Double-check the Schedule with Your Ex Now

The sooner you clarify the holiday schedule with your co-parent, the smoother Pesach will be for everyone—especially the kids.

Ask yourselves:

• Have we agreed on exact dates and times for custody exchanges before, during, and after Pesach?
• Is the kaytana (holiday camp) registered and paid for?
• Who is picking up or dropping off the kids—and from where?
• Are both parents aligned on school closing days, early dismissals, or Chol HaMoed plans?

Utilize tools such as shared Google Calendars, WhatsApp messages, or a written agreement. Don’t rely on memory—Pesach is too busy for that. You can order my custody care magnetic board to help your children manage and navigate all the changes in their schedules.

Each day of the holiday should be mapped out in advance:

• Where are the children spending each day of Chol HaMoed?
• What time are they transitioning from one parent to the other?
• Who is driving? Who is picking up? Who is responsible for car seats, snacks, clothing, or medications?

These transitions go more smoothly when children are aware of the plan and aren’t caught off guard. Especially for younger kids, knowing what to expect creates emotional safety.

As Pesach approaches, kids may need new clothing or shoes. Decide ahead of time:

• Who is responsible for buying new clothing?
• Will the cost be shared?
• Do both homes have enough Yom Tov and weekday outfits?

Ideally, each home should have its own set of essentials, including pajamas, shoes, Yom Tov clothing, socks, toothbrushes, and other necessary items. When children feel like they “live” in both homes—not like they’re “visiting”—they feel more grounded.

5. Older Kids Making Plans with Friends: Who’s Paying?

Teens and older kids often want to make their own Chol HaMoed plans—day trips with friends, movies, bowling, hikes.

That’s normal and healthy, but it also comes with practical questions:

• What’s the budget?
• Who is covering the costs of tickets, food, and transportation?
• Is the other parent informed and in agreement?

If both parents are contributing, it’s helpful to define limits ahead of time to avoid surprise expenses or tension.

This year, Pesach begins right after Shabbat, which creates some scheduling complications.

If it’s your turn to have the kids for Pesach, keep in mind:

• You may be getting them earlier to include Shabbat—and that’s an extra day of parenting.
• Is that additional Shabbat being “made up” later on?
• What about the Shabbat after Pesach—whom do the children then have?

Even if you have a standing agreement (e.g., alternating years), it’s worth checking whether these “bonus” Shabbatot need to be adjusted or made up. It’s better to clarify now than argue during the holiday.

7. Staying Connected on Seder Night—Even When Apart

For many parents, the most challenging part of Passover is not being with their children on the Seder night.

If that’s your situation, make space for connection:

• Arrange a phone or video call with your co-parent for the children before Chag begins, ideally on Friday afternoon before candle lighting.
• Let your child sing the Ma Nishtana or share a dvar Torah.
• If they’re too young for a call, ask your ex to record a video in advance and send it to you.

This tiny gesture can mean the world—to the parent and the child.

8. Clothing Transfers: Handle with Clarity and Respect

In some families, one parent has the children for the entire chag. If the other parent is sending clothing, it’s essential to treat the process with care:

• Make a detailed list of what is being sent.
• Agree that all clothing will be returned washed and in good condition.
• Communicate about expensive or sentimental items (e.g., dress shoes, jewelry, tallit katan, etc.).

Sample Clothing Transfer List:

• 3 Yom Tov outfits
• 1 Pair of dress shoes
• 1 Light jacket
• 1 Pajama set
• 8 Undergarments
• 8 Pairs of socks
• 1 Pair of shoes for trips
• 1 Sweater

Always include this list in the bag and keep a photo for reference. Mutual respect helps avoid tension and confusion later.

1. Simplify your menu. You don’t need six mains and five desserts. Focus on what you and your kids will enjoy.
2. Invite supportive guests—or keep it small. A warm, low-pressure atmosphere is ideal.
3. Use a child-friendly Haggadah. Let the kids help choose it in advance.
4. Tell personal stories. Share your own “Exodus moments”—times when you found courage and hope.
5. Involve your kids in the prep. Let them fold napkins, decorate place cards, or choose a song to teach.
6. Start a new tradition. A Pesach song, a dance break, or a gratitude circle.
7. permit yourself to skip. You can pause, shorten, or adapt as needed.
8. Prep as much as you can early. Erev chag is stressful. Try to cook and clean ahead of time.
9. Bless yourself. Before candle lighting, take a moment just for you. You’re holding so much—Hashem sees it.
10. Clarify the Halacha. Don’t overdo the cleaning; ask what needs to be cleaned for Pesach and skip the rest.

10 Tips for a Single Parent Spending Seder Night Alone

1. Acknowledge the grief. It’s real. You don’t need to “get over it.” You need to get through it.
2. Don’t stay silent. Let a friend, mentor, or rabbi know you’re alone—they may invite you in.
3. If you decline invitations, create a ritual. Light candles, read from the Haggadah and make it sacred.
4. Write a letter to your child. Tell them what you miss, what you hope, what you love.
5. Do a chesed. Deliver food to someone in need or send flowers to another single parent.
6. Avoid social media. Protect your heart from everyone’s “perfect” holiday photos.
7. Make something beautiful. Set the table for one—light candles. Wear something you love.
8. Plan a connection point. Choose a time after Chag when you can celebrate together—even if it’s just a symbolic one. You could make a Pesach Sheini seder. Your kids won’t pass up the opportunity for another afikomen present.
9. Hold on to hope. Redemption didn’t happen all at once—it came step by step. Yours will, too.
10. Reach out to others. The best cure for loneliness is chesed and compassion for others. Find others who need you, who you can provide for them a seder. Volunteer and fill the void.

Final Thoughts

Pesach is not just about leaving Egypt—it’s about walking forward through the wilderness with faith. As a single parent, you embody the very essence of that journey.

You are cleaning, cooking, scheduling, and stretching your heart across two homes. You’re creating space for your children to thrive, even in a fractured world. You are not broken—you are breaking through.

This year, may your Pesach be filled with peace, purpose, and a sense of your inner redemption.

Support and Guidance for Family Matters

Shoshie Goldstein-Nissenbaum, toenet rabbanit and mediator, offers compassionate guidance and legal support to help you navigate custody, communication, and emotional challenges with clarity and care.

For support or to schedule a consultation:
SGN@TOENET.COM | https://toenet.com/contact/

The post Pesach for Single Parents: A Guide to Sanity, Scheduling, and Seder Night first appeared on .

People often say, “We’ll deal with it in courts.” But litigation has a price, and not just financial. Time, mental bandwidth, friendships, health, and even the safety of your children’s emotional development are all at stake. High-conflict divorces do not have a single battlefield, rather they operate on multiple fronts. Every area of your life becomes one.

Before diving into solutions, let’s clarify what a messy divorce actually looks like.

A messy divorce involves:

• Endless court apparencies
• Custody battles fueled by resentment
• Accusations and mud slinging
• Lawyers racking up billable hours while progress crawls

It’s no different from war. And like war, even if you win, you still lose something vital.

1. Legal Fees That Add Up Fast

Divorce legal costs spiral fast when both parties gear up for battle. In Israel, a high-conflict divorce can cost each party anywhere between ₪50,000 and ₪300,000. These numbers aren’t limited to the privileged or wealthy. Average couples find themselves drained by:

Attorney retainers that need to be renewed. Court filing fees that vary but accumulate with every step. Custody evaluations conducted by social workers or psychologists. Expert witnesses brought in to testify on parenting, assets, or abuse claims.

It doesn’t take long for these to snowball. Some couples find themselves selling property or liquidating savings to keep up with the demands of a litigated divorce. That is without counting the emotional currency spent, which often rivals the monetary figure.

In stark contrast, mediation divides the cost between both parties. The typical cost for a full divorce mediation process in Israel ranges from ₪15,000 to ₪80,000 in total. Mediation not only saves money, it saves time. While litigation may take years, mediation is usually resolved in six months or less.

With financial pressures in a high-conflict divorce already immense, why add more? Peaceful resolutions are possible—and far less costly.Divorce legal costs spiral fast when both parties gear up for battle. In Israel, a high-conflict divorce can cost each party anywhere between ₪50,000 and ₪300,000. These numbers aren’t limited to the privileged or wealthy. Average couples find themselves drained by:

Attorney retainers that need to be renewed. Court filing fees that vary but accumulate with every step. Custody evaluations conducted by social workers or psychologists. Expert witnesses brought in to testify on parenting, assets, or abuse claims.

It doesn’t take long for these to snowball. Some couples find themselves selling property or liquidating savings to keep up with the demands of a litigated divorce. That is without counting the emotional currency spent, which often rivals the monetary figure.

In stark contrast, mediation divides the cost between both parties. The typical cost for a full divorce mediation process in Israel ranges from ₪15,000 to ₪80,000 in total. Mediation not only saves money, it saves time. While litigation may take years, mediation is usually resolved in six months or less.

With financial pressures in a high-conflict divorce already immense, why add more? Peaceful resolutions are possible—and far less costly.

2. Emotional Costs: Stress, Anxiety, and Burnout

The emotional toll of divorce cannot be overstated. When conflict escalates, your nervous system enters survival mode. What follows is chronic stress—sleepless nights, tension headaches, panic attacks, and emotional burnout.

People often report feeling like they’re being pulled in every direction. You’re grieving a relationship, attending court hearings, managing daily responsibilities, and trying to survive emotionally.

Therapists treating individuals in the midst of messy divorces note high rates of depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress symptoms. These emotional effects ripple into your parenting, your work, and your ability to think clearly.

Mediation offers a less adversarial, more humane alternative. It focuses on problem-solving, not finger-pointing. The sessions are designed to de-escalate, to humanize, and to find common ground. Instead of letters full of legal threats, you find structured dialogue and measured compromise.

It doesn’t erase the pain of separation, but it shields you from additional trauma.

3. The Damage to Your Children

Children do not need to hear the words to feel the war. High-conflict divorce impacts children in ways both visible and hidden. It can:

Disrupt sleep routines and cause nightmares. Lower academic performance. Trigger attachment issues. Create trust problems that follow them into adulthood.

Studies from Tel Aviv University and the Israeli Ministry of Social Affairs found that children exposed to ongoing parental litigation were twice as likely to experience behavioral and emotional issues. This is particularly true in households where both parents remain physically present but emotionally at odds.

Even if custody hearings happen behind closed doors, the emotional atmosphere is thick. Children hear the tension. They observe changes in parental moods. And they internalize a deep sense of insecurity.

Mediation helps parents create cooperative parenting plans in a controlled and respectful environment. That cooperation is often the single most important factor in determining how well children adjust to divorce.

You’re not only deciding how to end a marriage. You’re deciding what kind of future your child will walk into.

4. Lost Productivity and Career Setbacks

How divorce affects work is often invisible at first. But over time, the signs show up. Missed meetings. Reduced performance. Declined promotions. Poor concentration.

People report feeling like they’re working while underwater—functioning, but barely. Employers notice. Teams compensate. Careers stall. Business owners find their companies suffering under the weight of personal chaos.

One Tel Aviv-based entrepreneur explained, “I postponed a funding round for six months because I couldn’t focus. My divorce consumed everything.”

Add to that the time spent attending hearings, filing paperwork, and meeting lawyers. You might burn through vacation days, or even face job insecurity.

Divorce mediation keeps you out of court and allows for flexible scheduling. It reduces missed work and mental fatigue. You can stay focused on rebuilding, rather than constantly reacting to legal emergencies.

5. Frozen Finances and Delayed Decisions

During a high-conflict divorce, you may face:

Frozen joint accounts. Court-ordered restrictions on spending. Delays in property settlements. Uncertainty around debt obligations.

You might want to rent a new place or change jobs, but legal proceedings delay everything. Some people report being in limbo for over two years—unable to move forward, invest, or even make decisions about their own possessions.

This kind of financial paralysis prevents healing. It traps people in an in-between life where every choice is on hold.

Mediation speeds up these decisions. Rather than wait for court availability, you and your spouse can negotiate terms in weeks, not years. Agreements can be reached and implemented in a structured, legally binding format.

If time is money, mediation gives you both.

6. Broken Relationships Beyond the Marriage

When a marriage ends in chaos, it sends ripples through your entire social world. Friends may take sides. Relatives might withdraw. Community members—whether religious, school-based, or cultural—often grow distant.

People begin to feel isolated. Invitations stop arriving. Whispered conversations become common. You may feel judged, misunderstood, or alienated.

It’s one of the most painful but least discussed parts of high-conflict divorce: the social cost.

Mediation reduces this fallout. It invites mutual dignity. It minimizes public scenes. Even if the breakup is known, the respect with which it is handled shapes how others respond.

Communities support maturity. They honor grace. Mediation preserves the opportunity for both parties to remain part of the social fabric—even if that fabric shifts.

7. Co-Parenting Becomes a Battlefield

Without structure, co-parenting devolves into a war zone. You argue over drop-offs, schedules, school events, holidays, and even minor decisions like bedtime.

Every choice becomes another front in the conflict. Communication disintegrates. The children become messengers or witnesses.

When things become unmanageable, courts may step in and appoint a parental coordinator—a professional who makes decisions for your family. These coordinators charge by the hour and are often necessary in the most broken co-parenting situations.

No parent dreams of having a stranger decide what is best for their child. But that becomes reality when litigation turns parenting into a battle.

In mediation, parents build structured parenting plans that anticipate and resolve conflict before it happens. These plans include:

• Holidays
• Education
• Religious practices
• Medical decisions
• Communication rules

That clarity protects your children from becoming collateral damage.

8. Emotional Baggage That Lasts Years

The legal end of a divorce rarely marks the true conclusion. In high-conflict cases, the emotional residue clings for years—sometimes decades. People often carry bitterness that resurfaces during milestones like birthdays or graduations. They experience guilt over past choices, especially regarding their children. And many develop deep fear when entering new relationships, convinced they’ll repeat past patterns or get hurt again.

This lingering emotional baggage becomes a lens through which everything else is viewed—parenting, dating, friendships, and even personal growth. It affects how people trust, how they communicate, and how they connect. For some, it leads to anxiety, insomnia, or depression that no longer seems connected to the original divorce but still dominates their lives.

Children are not immune. They feel the undercurrents of tension even years later. New spouses sometimes feel sidelined, competing with ghosts of conflict that should have been resolved long ago.

Mediation, unlike litigation, builds closure into its process. It focuses on resolving—not punishing. The goal is not to “win” but to leave the relationship with clarity, boundaries, and dignity. When handled with respect, the divorce becomes a chapter—not the entire book. Mediation offers a chance to move forward without dragging the battlefield behind.

9. The Money You Could Have Saved

Now imagine having that ₪100,000 or ₪200,000 back in your account. What would you do with it? You could fund your child’s university tuition, put a down payment on a new apartment, or finally launch that business you’ve been dreaming about. Maybe you’d use it to cover therapy, take a break to regroup, or simply create a cushion of stability as you begin this next chapter.

Every shekel spent on litigation is a shekel taken from your future. The cost of a contentious divorce doesn’t just hit your wallet—it impacts your emotional well-being, your ability to parent, your ability to move forward.

Divorce mediation typically costs a fraction—often as little as one-tenth—of what courtroom battles demand. That difference could be the start of your new life. Mediation allows you to keep more of your resources for what truly matters: healing, rebuilding, and making choices rooted in clarity, not conflict.

Choosing mediation doesn’t mean the pain disappears. It means you’re choosing to stop pouring money into the fight—and start investing in your recovery. You get to walk away with more than just legal closure. You walk away with options.

What’s the Alternative? Choose Mediation, Choose Peace.

Mediation is not surrender. It is strategy. It is structure. It is respect.

The benefits of divorce mediation include:

• Lower financial costs
• Faster case resolution
• Privacy from public hearings
• Healthier parenting frameworks
• Stronger emotional outcomes for all parties

You still have rights. You still protect your interests. But you do so with your sanity, your dignity, and your community intact.

About Me

I’m Shoshie Goldstein-Nissenbaum, a Toenet Rabbanit and experienced divorce mediator. I have spent years inside the Beit Din system, guiding individuals and families through some of the most painful and complex transitions of their lives.

I bring both deep halachic knowledge and a clear understanding of emotional nuance to each case. I specialize in high-conflict situations, where clarity, compassion, and steady guidance are essential.

I help my clients: 

• Avoid the financial and emotional cost of litigation
• Minimize long-term damage for themselves and their children
• Create realistic, sustainable parenting agreements
• Navigate both halachic and legal systems with respect and care

You do not have to go through this alone. And you do not have to destroy each other to separate. With the right approach, divorce can be handled with dignity, empathy, and a vision for a better future.

Ready to Save Your Sanity?

You don’t have to go to war to end your marriage. Even if things feel overwhelming or already out of control, it’s not too late to choose a different path.

There is a way forward that protects your dignity, your children, and your future.

If you are ready for a conversation grounded in care and clarity, I am here.

Reach out when you’re ready. Let’s talk.

The post The Hidden Costs of a Messy Divorce (And How to Avoid Them) first appeared on .

From securing justice for agunot to facilitating financial stability and reconciliation, the impact of this work continues to grow. Below, you’ll find an in-depth review of key achievements, insights, and lessons learned.

Moving forward, the commitment to justice, dignity, and stability remains unwavering. Whether through legal advocacy, mediation, or community support, the goal is to continue creating meaningful change for those in need.

Thank you to everyone who contributed to this journey—clients, colleagues, and supporters. Your trust and collaboration make this work possible.

For consultations or inquiries, feel free to reach out at SGN@TOENET.COM or visit www.toenet.com

The post Reflections and Achievements 2024: A Year of Advocacy, Mediation, and Empowerment first appeared on .

Successful Mediations: Stories of Hope

One memorable case involved a couple, Rivka and Shmuel. Rivka had been diagnosed with BPD (I stressed diagnosed by a professional and not just an accusation from her spouse)  and her fear of abandonment and emotional instability often escalated conflicts. Shmuel was deeply frustrated and felt hopeless about finding common ground.  Often people with fear of abandonment can use mediation as a tactic to stall. They orally commit to signing a divorce agreement that needs just one or two small changes and then repeat this request again and again, dragging the process out and never committing. Another typical hitch in divorce mediation when one on the spouses suffers from fear of abandonment, is they often try to stay connected through the divorce agreement. For example not setting clear custody for the holidays, but rather having to renegotiate and interact with the ex before every holiday or vacation. Nesting can be a great option for divorcing parents, but it doesn’t work when dealing with a BPD or with narcissism  tendencies ex-spouse. 

I began by establishing clear ground rules and creating a safe, structured environment. Rivka often needed validation and reassurance, which I provided to help her feel heard and respected. Once Rivka was able to  begin understanding  that divorce is the end of the relationship that she knew until now, and constantly reminding her of that. During moments of emotional outbursts, private caucuses allowed her to express her feelings without overwhelming the process.  The key here was not to judge Rivka, but to give her space and not having Shmuel manipulated by them.  For Shmuel, I focused on building empathy and helping him understand Rivka’s triggers, while also ensuring his concerns were addressed. Shmuel needed to create an agreement with very clear boundaries which he would be able to sustain, keeping his children’s best interest in mind and being realistic about his emotional, physical and financial resources. 

The turning point came when Rivka felt secure enough to discuss custody arrangements calmly. Both parties agreed to a structured parenting plan with clear boundaries, which reduced their conflicts. The process was challenging, but by focusing on their shared interest in their children’s well-being, we reached a resolution that satisfied both parties. The process took months to complete, but in the end the couple divorced with a divorce agreement, which was sustainable for both of them.



Another case involved David and Sara. David exhibited narcissistic tendencies, frequently dominating conversations and dismissing Sara’s concerns. Sara felt powerless and was ready to give up on mediation.

In this case, I used strategic framing to appeal to David’s sense of self-interest, highlighting how a successful mediation would enhance his reputation and save him time and money. For Sara, I provided a supportive space where she could articulate her needs confidently. Frequent caucuses allowed me to manage David’s controlling tendencies and redirect the focus to constructive solutions. David’s expectations of controlling every aspect of the children’s lives and by extension, Sara’s, were off the charts of unreasonable. He wanted a guarantee that the children would not be served or have access to a long list of foods including ketchup.  By appealing to his need to maintain a good reputation as being a good and generous father and the image he had of himself as the healthier father, we were able to come to an agreed upon parenting contract and divorce agreement.
Through persistence and reframing, we reached agreements on property division and a parenting plan. David’s need for control was balanced by clearly defined agreements, and Sara felt empowered to move forward. Both parties left the mediation with a sense of accomplishment and clarity.

Sara and David’s disagreements did not end with the divorce. People with narcissism tendencies or boarder liner personality disorder rarely disappear but at least they had a contract with clear parameters to fall back on. Both personality types seek control and will continuing seeking it , which is why one of the elements of successfully co-parenting with someone who will try to counter parent is to use an app like “My Family Wizard” or a parental coordinator to facilitate only necessary communication and with boundaries.

When Mediation Fails: Lessons Learned

1. A Case Where Narcissistic Behavior Undermined Mediation

Chaim and Leah came to me seeking mediation, but it quickly became evident that Chaim’s extreme narcissistic behaviors were a significant obstacle. He constantly belittled Leah and refused to consider any compromise, viewing her requests as personal attacks. At a certain point, he began gaslighting me, telling him that I told him that Leah agreed to issue X, when I had told him I would bring it up with Leah and let him know. Anytime that Leah would reject one of his offers, he became paranoid that I was telling Leah not to accept the offer. As a mediator, I must remain nutral and always look towards finding a sustainable and agreed upon solution. But, I cannot work with a couple, when one of the parties thinks that I am plotting against them.

Despite my efforts to establish ground rules and maintain a structured process, Chaim’s lack of empathy and manipulative tactics derailed the mediation. Leah felt re-traumatized, and it became clear that the power imbalance made a fair resolution impossible. I advised Leah to pursue litigation to protect her rights and ensure a just outcome.

2. Emotional Volatility from BPD Leading to Breakdown

Another case involved Miriam and Avi. Miriam’s BPD resulted in intense emotional reactions and rapid shifts in her demands. While Avi was initially patient, he became increasingly frustrated by Miriam’s unpredictability. Miriam’s inability to keep boundaries derailed the process of mediation even more. The couple had separated, Avi move out of the family home. This did not stop Miriam from stopping by Avi’s new home uninvited and critic him about his housekeeping in front of the children.

Despite my attempts to provide a structured process and involve therapeutic support, Miriam’s volatility made it impossible to maintain progress. With Miriam’s permission, I reached out to her therapist and we had a joint session. Both the therapist and I, each one from our professional view, encouraged Miriam to opt for mediation. However, Miriam was not able to mediate and insisted on all out war.  Sessions often ended abruptly due to emotional outbursts, and the lack of consistency prevented any agreements from being finalized. Despite Avi’s many concessions to Miriam’s demand, Miriam filed in court. In the end the court awarded Miriam a significantly lower amount of child allowance, half of what Avi agreed to give her in mediation. Miriam paid a lawyer 80,000 shekels to go to war and lost financially and emotionally. The entire family suffered and experienced unnecessary and avoidable pain.

People with personality disorders tend to be consistently inconsistent and predictably unpredictable. Yet, they do tend to cycle and if the mediator can pick up on their rhythm, and catch them at a good time in their cycle, it is possible to negotiate a sustainable divorce agreement. When working on case where one of the parties has a personality disorder or narcissistic  tendencies, I like to involve a therapist who can navigate and support the uncoupling- the  transition of the family and define their new relationship as ex-spouses.

Mediating divorces involving high-conflict personalities is undoubtedly challenging, but success is possible with the right strategies and support. If you are facing a difficult divorce, I invite you to explore how mediation can help you achieve a dignified resolution.

For a free 20-minute consultation, contact me, Shoshie Goldstein-Nissenbaum, Toenet Rabbanit and Divorce Mediator, at 054-798-5733.

Join me at the Divorcing with Dignity Conference on January 28, 2025, in Jerusalem. Click here to register.

The post Is it Possible to Mediate a Divorce if One of the Parties is a Narcissist or Has Borderline Personality Disorder? first appeared on .

Divorce is rarely straightforward, but when the dynamics involve an extremely  difficult or narcissistic tendency co-parent, the challenges can be exponentially more complex. As a Toenet Rabbanit and divorce mediator, I have worked extensively with individuals navigating the delicate process of separation and the ongoing issues that arise with co-parenting post-divorce. In this article, we will explore the nuances of cutting off from a co-parent who exhibits narcissistic tendencies and discuss the tools available, such as engaging a parental coordinator and the necessity of involving third parties.

The Challenges of Cutting Ties

Ending a marriage with a narcissist can feel like untangling a web of physical, financial, emotional, and familial ties designed to keep you ensnared. These bonds are not easily broken, particularly within the context of our community, where divorce carries significant social and religious implications. Our society is one of families and couples. Despite what many people think, I rarely see a couple get divorced without seriously examining if there is anyway to fix the marriage and exhausting all possibilities. Most people hold on as long as they can and avoid divorce at all costs.

Emotional Complexity

Distancing yourself emotionally can be even more daunting. As a compassionate individual, you may struggle to “switch off” feelings of care for your ex-spouse. Guilt and shame, often magnified by cultural and religious expectations, can weigh heavily. Narcissistic co-parents frequently exploit these feelings, employing tactics such as love bombing, guilt-tripping,  even smear campaigns to maintain control and will often employ tactics to alienate you.

Spiritual and Communal Challenges

The spiritual dimension adds another layer of complexity. Many individuals in our community wrestle with the belief that cutting ties might conflict with Jewish values of  shalom bayis, judging favorably, forgiveness, reconciliation, and family unity. Questions like “Am I disappointing Hashem?” or “What if this decision harms my children?” can linger, creating inner turmoil.

Establishing Boundaries

While setting boundaries is essential for your well-being, it’s often met with resistance. A narcissistic co-parent might attempt to undermine your efforts, dismissing your boundaries as unkind or unkosher. It’s important to remember that self-protection and safeguarding your children are not only valid but often necessary steps.

Torah Sources in Support  for Boundaries

Jewish texts provide numerous examples supporting the need to distance oneself from harmful individuals:

Warnings in Proverbs: The wisdom literature repeatedly cautions against associating with angry or foolish individuals (Proverbs 22:24-25, Proverbs 9:7-8).

The Ongoing Role of a Parental Coordinator

For those unable to go fully “no contact” due to shared parenting responsibilities, a parental coordinator can be invaluable. These professionals act as neutral intermediaries, facilitating communication and decision-making while reducing direct interaction. It’s essential to choose someone who understands both the legal and religious intricacies of your situation.

A parental coordinator’s responsibilities often extend beyond mere communication management. They help design and implement structured parenting plans that prioritize the children’s needs while minimizing conflict. Coordinators can also mediate disputes over education, healthcare, or religious upbringing, ensuring that these decisions align with halachic principles and the family’s values.

Additionally, a parental coordinator serves as an impartial observer who can document patterns of behavior, providing valuable insights should further legal intervention be required. This level of oversight often discourages manipulative tactics, creating a more stable environment for the children.

By serving as a buffer between co-parents, a parental coordinator significantly reduces the emotional toll on both parties. They provide strategies for conflict resolution and enforce boundaries, allowing parents to focus on rebuilding their lives and fostering a positive environment for their children.

The Importance of Third-Party Support

A mediator, therapist, or rabbinical authority can provide clarity and reassurance during this turbulent time. Third-party involvement is especially crucial in cases of verbal, emotional, physical, spiritual, or financial abuse. These professionals can help validate your experiences, assist in creating an action plan, and provide a sense of accountability. It is important that the third party not be a family member to either party. The more “honorable” the third party is, the higher the chance of the narcissistic co-parent being more cooperative. People with narcissistic tendencies are very concerned with their image. Take caution that the third party is someone who will not get sucked into the narcissists pity party, as they play the victim card. The third party also must be someone who will set clear boundaries with the narcissist or the narcissist will exhaust them and they will quit.

Divorce within the Jewish community often involves navigating communal judgment and social stigmas. Having a support system—whether through friends, family, or professionals—is vital for maintaining emotional resilience. Engaging a Rav who is sensitive to the complexities of abusive dynamics can also provide spiritual guidance aligned with halacha.

Coping with Internal Struggles

Even after setting boundaries, the voice of the narcissist may continue to echo in your mind. Combatting these internalized doubts requires deliberate effort:

• Seek Torah study: Engaging with texts that affirm your decisions can be spiritually uplifting.
• Build a supportive community: Surround yourself with individuals who respect and understand your journey.
• Focus on self-care: Taking care of your physical and emotional well-being is not a luxury—it is a necessity.

Questions to Consider

As you navigate this path, you may grapple with questions such as:

• “Have I made the right decision?”
• “How will this affect my children’s future?”
• “Do I have what it takes to rebuild my life?”

These are valid concerns, but with the right tools and support, they can be addressed. Working with a toenet rabbanit or  divorce mediator who understands your cultural perspective can provide tailored strategies for overcoming these challenges.

Moving Forward

While the road to healing may seem daunting, it is possible. By prioritizing safety, engaging professional support, and relying on Torah values, you can disentangle yourself from toxic dynamics and begin a journey toward freedom and joy. Remember, Hashem desires shalom bayit, but not at the expense of enduring harm or abuse.

As a Toenet Rabbanit and mediator, my mission is to provide guidance and support for individuals navigating these challenges. If you or someone you know is facing similar struggles, know that help is available. Together, we can work toward a brighter, healthier future for you and your family.

Join me at the Divorcing with Dignity Conference on January 28 in Jerusalem, where we explore the dynamic between mental health and the halacha and the law.

The post C.O.P.S.- Co-Parenting Strategies first appeared on .

Are you stuck in a psychologically or physically destructive marriage with a narcissist? Are you considering leaving an abusive situation but don’t know where to start? If you’re married to someone who behaves like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, leaving can feel like an insurmountable challenge.

In my role as a toenet rabbanit and mediator, I have guided countless individuals through this harrowing journey. A critical part of this process is building a strong support network—a triangle consisting of the client, a toenet rabbanit, and a therapist or mental health professional. Together, this support system helps clients navigate the complexities of leaving a narcissist and prepares them for the ongoing challenges that often follow.

The Reality of Narcissistic Relationships

A narcissistic partner can be charming and likable in public, but at home, they may exhibit chronic entitlement, condescension, manipulation, and emotional abuse. This makes leaving such a relationship extraordinarily difficult, especially when the narcissist has convinced others of their “perfect” persona.

If this describes your situation, you’re not alone.

Common signs of narcissistic abuse include:

• Constant criticism and blame
• Isolation from friends and family
• Controlling behavior
• Emotional manipulation and gaslighting

If you’re unsure whether your experience qualifies as narcissistic abuse, reach out to a trusted professional for guidance.

Leaving Is Not a Failure—It’s Survival

Many of my clients struggle with guilt and self-doubt when contemplating leaving. As an empathetic person, you may feel dishonest or even disloyal for considering an exit.

But let me reassure you: your decision to leave is not a reflection of your character. It reflects their choices.

You were not designed to endure a toxic environment, and Hashem’s plan for you is one of peace, joy, and freedom. Leaving a narcissist is not a failure of your efforts to save the relationship—it is an acknowledgment of the environment’s toxicity and the need to protect yourself and, if applicable, your children.

As much as you’ve likely tried to fix things, you’ve probably realized that no amount of compassion, love, or effort will change a narcissist’s behavior. Leaving is an act of courage.

The Psychological Toll of Narcissistic Abuse

Living with a narcissist often feels like being trapped in a cycle of manipulation and control. Many clients describe constant feelings of self-doubt, anxiety, and fear. You might wake up every day walking on eggshells, trying to avoid their next outburst.

One of the most harmful tactics used by narcissists is gaslighting:

• Insisting events didn’t happen the way you remember
• Accusing you of being overly sensitive
• Dismissing your feelings as irrational

Over time, this mental and emotional abuse can erode your sense of self-worth. Recognize that the problem is not you—it’s the environment created by the narcissist. Healing begins when you accept that you deserve better.

Building a Support Network: The Triangle of Strength

To successfully leave a narcissistic relationship, it’s essential to have a support network in place. I recommend forming a “Triangle of Strength”:

1. The Client
   You are at the center of this process. Your courage and willingness to seek help are the first steps toward freedom.
2. Toenet Rabbanit
   As a toenet rabbanit, I provide legal, halachic, and practical guidance. I work with you to navigate the complexities of divorce within the Orthodox framework.
3. Therapist or Mental Health Professional
   A therapist helps you address the psychological impact of abuse, rebuild your confidence, and develop strategies for emotional resilience.

This triangle ensures you have the emotional, spiritual, and practical tools needed to move forward.

Preparing to Leave: Practical Steps

Leaving a narcissist requires careful planning to ensure your safety and well-being.

Critical steps include:

1. Keep Your Plans Private: Do not share your intentions with the abuser or anyone who might inform them.
2. Seek Legal Advice: Work with a toenet rabbanit experienced in narcissistic abuse dynamics.
3. Document Abuse: Keep detailed records of incidents, including dates and descriptions.
4. Secure Finances: Open a separate bank account and gather important documents.
5. Build a Supportive Community: Connect with trusted friends, family, or support groups.
6. Change Passwords: Update passwords and secure accounts with two-step verification.
7. Play the Long Game: If immediate departure isn’t possible, plan for an exit over time.

Spiritual and Practical Guidance

Our Torah provides wisdom even in situations as complex as this. Consider Yaakov leaving Lavan. Lavan was a master of gaslighting, yet Yaakov planned his departure carefully, prioritizing his family’s safety.

Sometimes, leaving is not only permissible but necessary to fulfill Hashem’s greater plan for you. Abuse is not part of the marriage covenant, and your safety and sanity must take precedence.

The Narcissist Never Stops

One of the hardest truths to accept is that a narcissist often continues their abusive behavior even after the relationship ends.

Post-separation tactics may include:

• Stalking
• Parental alienation
• Legal harassment
• Financial control

Ongoing support from a therapist and guidance from a toenet rabbanit is critical. Together, we can establish boundaries, navigate co-parenting (if applicable), and protect your peace of mind.

Join Us at Divorcing with Dignity

For mental health professionals, community leaders, and activists, the Divorcing with Dignity conference is an invaluable opportunity to learn more about creating a triangle of support for those facing the challenges of leaving a narcissistic partner.

You are not alone. With the right support network, thoughtful planning, and faith, you can take the first steps toward a life of freedom and dignity.

Reach out today to begin your journey.

The post The Triangle of Strength: How a Toenet Rabbanit, Therapist, and Community Can Help You Leave a Narcissist first appeared on .

In the context of the Israeli legal system, child visitation arrangements are a pivotal issue when resolving custody disputes. Mediation plays a critical role in crafting solutions that prioritize the child’s well-being while balancing parental responsibilities. This essay examines the effects of an inconsistent visitation schedule on a child, explores the emotions a child may experience when a parent fails to show up, and highlights the importance of parental flexibility. Additionally, it underscores how the services of a toenet rabbanit and mediator can facilitate sustainable and secure visitation arrangements.

The Effects of an Inconsistent Schedule on a Child

Consistency in a child’s routine fosters stability and security. When visitation schedules are inconsistent, it disrupts the child’s sense of normalcy, leading to emotional and psychological consequences. In Israel, where the welfare of the child (tovat ha’yeled) is the primary concern in legal decisions regarding custody and visitation, the ramifications of an irregular schedule are taken seriously.

An inconsistent schedule may lead to feelings of uncertainty and anxiety in children. For example, if a parent frequently cancels or changes visitation times at the last minute, the child’s ability to trust the parent can be undermined. Such unpredictability might also affect other areas of the child’s life, including academic performance, social interactions, and emotional development. Studies in child psychology affirm that children thrive in structured environments, where they know what to expect and can rely on the adults in their lives to provide stability.

How a Child Feels When a Parent Fails to Show Up

The emotional toll of a parent not showing up for scheduled visitation can be profound. Children may experience feelings of rejection, sadness, and confusion. The absence of a parent sends a non-verbal message that the child may interpret as “I am not important enough.” This interpretation can have long-term effects, including low self-esteem, difficulty forming relationships, and even resentment toward the absent parent.

There are also parents who, for various reasons, may never adhere to any schedule. This could be due to severe untreated ADD, a personality disorder, or an excessively demanding work schedule. Whatever the reason, the burden of maintaining stability and equilibrium in the child’s life often falls on the healthier parent. This is not an easy task. It is important to remember, however, that you are not merely cleaning up after your co-parent’s mess; you are creating stability for your child. You are your child’s anchor. If you become unhinged as well, who will be there for the child?

For younger children, the failure of a parent to appear can create fear and insecurity. They might question whether the parent cares about them, leading to emotional withdrawal. Older children and teenagers may express their feelings through anger or rebellious behavior, further complicating the co-parenting dynamic.

From a halachic perspective, the concept of honoring parental obligations aligns with the Jewish emphasis on building strong familial bonds. The emotional impact of an absent parent contradicts the values of nurturing and responsibility that are central to Jewish family life.

The emotional toll of a parent not showing up for scheduled visitation can be profound. Children may experience feelings of rejection, sadness, and confusion. The absence of a parent sends a non-verbal message that the child may interpret as “I am not important enough.” This interpretation can have long-term effects, including low self-esteem, difficulty forming relationships, and even resentment toward the absent parent.

For younger children, the failure of a parent to appear can create fear and insecurity. They might question whether the parent cares about them, leading to emotional withdrawal. Older children and teenagers may express their feelings through anger or rebellious behavior, further complicating the co-parenting dynamic.

From a halachic perspective, the concept of honoring parental obligations aligns with the Jewish emphasis on building strong familial bonds. The emotional impact of an absent parent contradicts the values of nurturing and responsibility that are central to Jewish family life.

The Responsibility of a Parent to Be Flexible

While consistency is essential, parental flexibility is equally critical in ensuring the child’s best interests are met. In the Israeli legal framework, parents are encouraged to collaborate to create schedules that accommodate the child’s needs, as well as the realities of each parent’s circumstances.

Flexibility does not mean compromising the child’s stability but rather adapting to unforeseen circumstances in a manner that prioritizes their well-being. For instance, if a parent faces work-related challenges that conflict with a visitation time, open communication and a willingness to reschedule can demonstrate respect for the child’s emotional needs. Conversely, rigidity or an unwillingness to cooperate can exacerbate tensions and negatively affect the child.

Parents must also recognize the importance of communicating changes in advance. When a parent informs the child and the co-parent of a schedule adjustment with sufficient notice, it minimizes disruption and maintains trust. Flexibility should also extend to the child’s preferences, particularly as they grow older and develop their own social, academic, and extracurricular commitments.

The Role of a Toenet Rabbanit and Mediator in Optimizing Visitation

As a toenet rabbanit and mediator, I provide a unique service that integrates legal expertise, halachic understanding, and a deep commitment to the child’s welfare. My approach focuses on fostering collaboration between parents to achieve sustainable visitation arrangements that promote security and stability for the child. It is always preferable that the parents agree on the children’s schedule. When they can’t agree the Beit Din or Family court will order an evaluation (a taskir) . It is very important to have good advice before the taskir begins.

Mediation to Resolve Conflicts

Mediation is a cornerstone of the Israeli family law system, emphasizing amicable resolutions over contentious litigation. My role as a mediator is to facilitate constructive dialogue between parents, helping them understand the impact of their decisions on their child’s well-being. This involves creating a safe space for both parties to voice their concerns, identify common goals, and develop a visitation plan that aligns with the child’s best interests.

For example, when addressing inconsistent visitation schedules, I work with parents to establish clear guidelines that balance predictability with flexibility. This may include setting primary and alternative visitation times, defining procedures for communicating changes, and outlining consequences for non-compliance. By encouraging transparency and mutual respect, mediation can prevent misunderstandings and foster a cooperative co-parenting relationship.

Integrating Halachic Principles

When mediating disputes, I remind parents of the shared responsibility to act in the child’s best interests. This includes honoring visitation commitments, communicating respectfully, and prioritizing the child’s stability over personal grievances.

Practical Solutions for Sustainable Visitation

To create visitation arrangements that are both sustainable and secure, I employ a combination of legal strategies and practical tools. These may include:

Detailed Visitation Plans: Establishing schedules that specify dates, times, and locations for visitation, along with protocols for changes or cancellations.

Parenting Agreements: Drafting agreements that outline each parent’s responsibilities and expectations, providing a framework for accountability.

Co-Parenting Workshops: Offering resources and workshops to help parents develop communication skills and conflict resolution strategies.

Child-Centered Advocacy: Ensuring that the child’s voice is heard, particularly in cases involving older children who may have specific preferences.

Ensuring Security for the Child

A secure visitation arrangement is one that provides the child with a sense of predictability and emotional safety. This requires parents to demonstrate reliability, empathy, and a willingness to collaborate. My mediation services emphasize the importance of building trust between parents and the child, fostering a stable environment where the child can thrive.

Introducing the Custody Care Board

My post-divorce work with families and my own experiences inspired me to create the Custody Care Board, an innovative tool designed to help divorced parents create clear and consistent schedules for their children. The Custody Care Board ensures children always know when they will be with each parent, providing structure and security during what can be a tumultuous time.

Psychologists emphasize the importance of stability and predictability for children, especially during the upheaval of a divorce. Dr. Edward Kruk, a prominent expert in child custody and divorce, highlights that “children’s adjustment to divorce is enhanced by the predictability and security of regular, frequent, and continued contact with both parents.” The Custody Care Board aligns with these principles by offering parents a user-friendly way to manage custody schedules, set reminders, and maintain consistent communication.

Using the Custody Care Magnetic Chart, parents and children can plan weekly schedules together, fostering engagement and reducing anxiety. This visual and interactive tool helps children feel a sense of control and predictability, mitigating the stress caused by divorce.

By integrating the Custody Care Board into my mediation services, I empower parents to create sustainable visitation arrangements that prioritize their child’s emotional well-being. This tool embodies my commitment to providing practical, child-centered solutions that ensure stability and security for families navigating the challenges of divorce.

Inconsistent visitation schedules can have detrimental effects on a child’s emotional and psychological well-being, leading to feelings of insecurity and rejection. Parents have a responsibility to balance consistency with flexibility, ensuring that their actions prioritize the child’s best interests. As a toenet rabbanit and mediator, I am uniquely positioned to facilitate optimal visitation arrangements that align with the principles of the Israeli legal system and Jewish values. My creation of the Custody Care Board further enhances this process, offering families a practical tool to promote stability, cooperation, and the emotional health of their children.

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