Divorce is rarely straightforward, but when the dynamics involve an extremely  difficult or narcissistic tendency co-parent, the challenges can be exponentially more complex. As a Toenet Rabbanit and divorce mediator, I have worked extensively with individuals navigating the delicate process of separation and the ongoing issues that arise with co-parenting post-divorce. In this article, we will explore the nuances of cutting off from a co-parent who exhibits narcissistic tendencies and discuss the tools available, such as engaging a parental coordinator and the necessity of involving third parties.

The Challenges of Cutting Ties

Ending a marriage with a narcissist can feel like untangling a web of physical, financial, emotional, and familial ties designed to keep you ensnared. These bonds are not easily broken, particularly within the context of our community, where divorce carries significant social and religious implications. Our society is one of families and couples. Despite what many people think, I rarely see a couple get divorced without seriously examining if there is anyway to fix the marriage and exhausting all possibilities. Most people hold on as long as they can and avoid divorce at all costs.

Emotional Complexity

Distancing yourself emotionally can be even more daunting. As a compassionate individual, you may struggle to “switch off” feelings of care for your ex-spouse. Guilt and shame, often magnified by cultural and religious expectations, can weigh heavily. Narcissistic co-parents frequently exploit these feelings, employing tactics such as love bombing, guilt-tripping,  even smear campaigns to maintain control and will often employ tactics to alienate you.

Spiritual and Communal Challenges

The spiritual dimension adds another layer of complexity. Many individuals in our community wrestle with the belief that cutting ties might conflict with Jewish values of  shalom bayis, judging favorably, forgiveness, reconciliation, and family unity. Questions like “Am I disappointing Hashem?” or “What if this decision harms my children?” can linger, creating inner turmoil.

Establishing Boundaries

While setting boundaries is essential for your well-being, it’s often met with resistance. A narcissistic co-parent might attempt to undermine your efforts, dismissing your boundaries as unkind or unkosher. It’s important to remember that self-protection and safeguarding your children are not only valid but often necessary steps.

Torah Sources in Support  for Boundaries

Jewish texts provide numerous examples supporting the need to distance oneself from harmful individuals:

Warnings in Proverbs: The wisdom literature repeatedly cautions against associating with angry or foolish individuals (Proverbs 22:24-25, Proverbs 9:7-8).

The Ongoing Role of a Parental Coordinator

For those unable to go fully “no contact” due to shared parenting responsibilities, a parental coordinator can be invaluable. These professionals act as neutral intermediaries, facilitating communication and decision-making while reducing direct interaction. It’s essential to choose someone who understands both the legal and religious intricacies of your situation.

A parental coordinator’s responsibilities often extend beyond mere communication management. They help design and implement structured parenting plans that prioritize the children’s needs while minimizing conflict. Coordinators can also mediate disputes over education, healthcare, or religious upbringing, ensuring that these decisions align with halachic principles and the family’s values.

Additionally, a parental coordinator serves as an impartial observer who can document patterns of behavior, providing valuable insights should further legal intervention be required. This level of oversight often discourages manipulative tactics, creating a more stable environment for the children.

By serving as a buffer between co-parents, a parental coordinator significantly reduces the emotional toll on both parties. They provide strategies for conflict resolution and enforce boundaries, allowing parents to focus on rebuilding their lives and fostering a positive environment for their children.

The Importance of Third-Party Support

A mediator, therapist, or rabbinical authority can provide clarity and reassurance during this turbulent time. Third-party involvement is especially crucial in cases of verbal, emotional, physical, spiritual, or financial abuse. These professionals can help validate your experiences, assist in creating an action plan, and provide a sense of accountability. It is important that the third party not be a family member to either party. The more “honorable” the third party is, the higher the chance of the narcissistic co-parent being more cooperative. People with narcissistic tendencies are very concerned with their image. Take caution that the third party is someone who will not get sucked into the narcissists pity party, as they play the victim card. The third party also must be someone who will set clear boundaries with the narcissist or the narcissist will exhaust them and they will quit.

Divorce within the Jewish community often involves navigating communal judgment and social stigmas. Having a support system—whether through friends, family, or professionals—is vital for maintaining emotional resilience. Engaging a Rav who is sensitive to the complexities of abusive dynamics can also provide spiritual guidance aligned with halacha.

Coping with Internal Struggles

Even after setting boundaries, the voice of the narcissist may continue to echo in your mind. Combatting these internalized doubts requires deliberate effort:

• Seek Torah study: Engaging with texts that affirm your decisions can be spiritually uplifting.
• Build a supportive community: Surround yourself with individuals who respect and understand your journey.
• Focus on self-care: Taking care of your physical and emotional well-being is not a luxury—it is a necessity.

Questions to Consider

As you navigate this path, you may grapple with questions such as:

• “Have I made the right decision?”
• “How will this affect my children’s future?”
• “Do I have what it takes to rebuild my life?”

These are valid concerns, but with the right tools and support, they can be addressed. Working with a toenet rabbanit or  divorce mediator who understands your cultural perspective can provide tailored strategies for overcoming these challenges.

Moving Forward

While the road to healing may seem daunting, it is possible. By prioritizing safety, engaging professional support, and relying on Torah values, you can disentangle yourself from toxic dynamics and begin a journey toward freedom and joy. Remember, Hashem desires shalom bayit, but not at the expense of enduring harm or abuse.

As a Toenet Rabbanit and mediator, my mission is to provide guidance and support for individuals navigating these challenges. If you or someone you know is facing similar struggles, know that help is available. Together, we can work toward a brighter, healthier future for you and your family.

Join me at the Divorcing with Dignity Conference on January 28 in Jerusalem, where we explore the dynamic between mental health and the halacha and the law.

The post C.O.P.S.- Co-Parenting Strategies first appeared on .

Narcissists are often skilled at disguising their manipulation with spiritually charged language, using religious principles to avoid accountability and shift blame. They can appear pious while engaging in behaviors that contradict true Torah values. Perhaps you have encountered someone who outwardly appears devout, yet their actions leave you feeling confused, guilty, or silenced. This article will explore the most common spiritually manipulative phrase used by narcissists and provide a Torah-based approach to addressing such behavior.

The Manipulative Mindset

A narcissist inherently believes that any issue in a relationship stems from the other person’s flaws, not their own. They view themselves as beyond reproach and will deflect responsibility, making any conflict about your perceived shortcomings rather than their actions. Engaging with such individuals can be emotionally exhausting and spiritually damaging.

The Cloaked Language of Manipulation

It is important to note that not everyone who uses certain phrases is necessarily manipulative. Sometimes, spiritual language can be used sincerely and with good intent. However, when such statements are used repeatedly to silence concerns, invalidate feelings, or avoid accountability, it becomes a pattern of manipulation.

• The most common manipulative phrase is:
• “If you’re feeling hurt, perhaps Hashem is showing you something in your heart that needs fixing.”
• Other variations include:
• “The Torah teaches us to examine ourselves first—maybe this conflict is more about your middot than about my actions.”
• “The yetzer hara might be trying to cause division between us—perhaps you need to check where you are letting it in.”

Why Are These Statements So Harmful?

1.  Deflection of Responsibility – Redirects focus to supposed flaws instead of addressing the real issue.
2. Spiritual Gaslighting – Causes you to question whether your feelings and observations are valid.
3. Silencing Concerns – Discourages you from raising concerns, leaving manipulative behavior unchecked.

What Does a Torah-True Response Look Like?

A response rooted in Torah values is characterized by humility, accountability, and a sincere desire for peace. For example: ‘If I have done something to hurt you, please let me know so I can correct it.’

A Biblical Example: Natan Hanavi and King David

When Natan Hanavi confronted King David about his sins involving Batsheva and Uriah (Shmuel Bet 12), David did not deflect blame or attempt to silence Natan. Instead, he responded with humility and sincere teshuva, saying: ‘Chatati la’Hashem’ (I have sinned against Hashem).

The Emotional Trap of Narcissistic Relationships

As a to’enet rabbanit and divorce mediator, I have seen firsthand how this kind of manipulative behavior traps people in toxic relationships. The spiritual and emotional confusion created by these tactics can make it incredibly difficult to leave.

Living with a narcissist like this is a slow emotional and spiritual death. Day by day, your confidence, clarity, and sense of self erode. The relationship leaves you questioning your worth and drowning in despair, all while the narcissist maintains a facade of righteousness.

Practical Steps to Overcome Spiritual Manipulation

1. Seek Hashem’s Guidance – Pray for clarity and strength.
2. Identify Patterns – Write down specific examples.
3. Address Issues Directly – Point out patterns respectfully.
4. Anchor Yourself in Torah Truths – Focus on verses like ‘Tzedek tzedek tirdof’ and ‘Lo tisna et achicha bilvavecha.’
5. Set Boundaries – Protect your emotional and spiritual well-being.
6. Evaluate Relationships – Consider whether distance is necessary.

Conclusion: Living in Truth and Shalom

Hashem desires us to live in peace and truth, not under the burden of manipulation and control. By anchoring ourselves in Torah values, prayer, and community support, we can navigate difficult relationships with wisdom and strength.

To learn more about these topics, follow my podcasts on YouTube and join our Divorcing with Dignity Conference in Jerusalem on January 28, 2025.

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While the term ‘special needs’ has a wide range of definitions, for the purpose of this discussion, we’ll be sticking to children who depend on regular patterns and stable schedules to function. This includes high functioning children on the autism spectrum, those diagnosed with ADD, ADHD, or ODD, or those with other significant learning disabilities.

Divorce is traumatic for every child. But the disruptions it brings to the life of a special needs child who relies on consistent routines and expectations, can mean major setbacks that are hard to overcome. It’s extremely important that you find a legal representative who understands what it’s like to experience the helpless feeling of turning a struggling child’s life upside down in a divorce. And one who is able to help you develop a legal strategy that gives these children the best chance of success. I can tell you from my own experience, getting divorced while raising a special needs child, I had to address much more than asset division, child custody and child support. I relied on highly respected specialists to help me come up with the necessary elements I needed to put in place, to help my child’s adjustment to our new reality. 

In my role as a toenet rabbanit and mediator, I’ve consulted with experts in many fields – child psychologists, sociologists and parent coaches – to assist me in developing a realistic and supportive strategy for guiding parents of special needs children through divorce. I recently interviewed renowned clinical psychologist and parent educator Dr. Ilyssa Bass on Divorcing with Complex Kids: Helping Neuro Divergent Kids Navigate Divorce.

The following short checklist provides a starting point for devising a parenting plan, and a divorce agreement that will provide the best possible support for your special needs child. 

You and your child are going to need a lot of support. The teachers, guidance counselors and therapists in your child’s life can suggest the appropriate language to explain that Abba and Imma are getting divorced. Let their expertise be your guide for creating a plan to help your child adjust to the new reality.

When creating your divorce agreement or parenting plan please be aware that DOUBLES are a must! Your child needs to have all their medications, schoolbooks, uniforms, sports clothing, dance shoes and any medical equipment available to them in both homes. Expensive – yes! Necessary – yes!. Extremely reassuring and calming for your child – yes!

When creating your divorce agreement or parenting plan make sure that any government benefits your child may be already receiving are accounted for in determining the management of the benefits, and who is responsible for the funds if the benefits continue past the age of 18. If your child is not getting government benefits, it is imperative to check eligibility. I work with a number of organizations who are experts at navigating the bureaucracy of obtaining disability insurance.  

Parents may not agree on the choice of therapy, or schools, or even medication for the child. These differences must be addressed in the divorce agreement and when necessary, via litigation. In Israel, after the divorce, both parents must agree on any and all the child’s treatments (tipulim) over and above standard doctor visits. If you and your ex are on two different planets regarding your child’s course of treatment or schooling, you might consider petitioning the court to appoint a parental coordinator (metaim hori) who will be given jurisdiction over making final decisions. (In another of my podcasts, I was joined by expert parental guide and coordinator Jeff Friedman where we discussed Co-Parenting with a Narcissist and Part 2 – Co-Parenting with a Narcissist. There are pros and cons to giving a parental coordinator this kind of authority. So you must consider it carefully with your toenet rabbanit (advocate).

You may be laughing as you read this item, which probably means that you really need it. Taking care of yourself is a necessity not a luxury. The best way to cope with the challenges that come with getting divorced when you have special needs kids (and all kids for that matter) is to make sure you are taking care of your mental, emotional and physical health. 

• Seek out a counselor or other mental health professional for yourself. The better support you have, the better you can support your child.
• Tap into friends and family for support. Being able to have a good cry, in a safe environment or receive a meal, is crucial to your ability to stay calm for your child. 
• Your physical health is of paramount importance. Our bodies support everything! Take 5 minutes a few times a day to breathe deeply. More oxygen in our systems reduces stress and anxiety. 
• Go for a walk when you’re able. 
• Stay hydrated. 

If you can’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of your child.

When parents are able to agree on a joint parenting plan for their child, it makes it easier for everyone – including the court. Children on the autistic spectrum, even when they are high functioning, may struggle to adapt to all the changes divorce brings into their lives.

Consult your child’s ‘team’ of professionals for ways to help them adapt from one home with two parents to two homes with one parent each. As much as you’re able to wean them slowly, from one set of circumstances to the other. 

• Special attention should be given to planning visitation schedules that best suit your child. A child who suffers from an anxiety disorder will need a clean and predictable schedule.
• Keep visitation schedules consistent and avoid erratic changes. 
• If your child receives physical, occupational or speech therapy outside of school, these appointments need to be included in the parenting plan. Who will take the child? Who will make the arrangements via the insurance company?
• A child who is receiving stimulant medication, may need a longer exchange window from one parent to the other. They’ll need the extra time to wind down.

In navigating the tumultuous waters of divorce, it is essential for parents of special needs children to have a comprehensive strategy. Assembling a supportive team of your legal representative, educators, counselors, and therapists is paramount in formulating a plan that accommodates your special needs child. Meticulous planning and a method to facilitate joint decision-making processes is vital to safeguarding your child’s interests and to reduce the feelings of alienation for everyone in the family.

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