However, I also see their deep love for their children. Very often, parents will stay in a bad marriage for the sake of the children, pushing themselves to exhaustion. Generally, parents genuinely want what is best for their children, but are not always sure how that looks or how to offer it amid so much pain and confusion.

Many children personalize the divorce and believe that the divorce is their fault.

Children want and need to love both their parents and be able to receive unconditional positive regard and responsiveness from both parents.

This piece offers practical and thoughtful ways to help your children stay whole, even when the family around them feels broken.

Children Are Not Extensions of the Fight

One of the greatest dangers after a high-conflict divorce is when children are pulled into the emotional war zone. They feel pressured to choose sides, to act as messengers, or to protect one parent from the other. No child should be made to feel responsible for adult pain. And yet, it happens constantly. It is the greatest challenge of the divorced parent to leave the children completely out of any conflict between the parents, and it is also essential that the child not be involved in any way. It is natural to feel that we want our children to side with us. We want them to understand us, not blame us, justify the divorce, soothe our grief or guilt and make us feel less alone. It’s normal to try to convince ourselves that we are doing the right thing by doing the above. Don’t the children need to know the truth? Your relationship with your ex-spouse could be strained, and you might be going through tough emotional times. But involving children in parents conflict is unhealthy for the children. We have stepped off the path the minute we want our children to take sides. We will all slip here and there; we are human after all. However, we must be conscious of the severity of involving the children in conflict and committed to honest reflection and accountability when we veer from the path.

Your child might express guilt for wanting to call the other parent. They might feel confused about who they are allowed to love. I always tell my clients that their child is half you and half your ex. When you insult or reject your ex in front of your child, that child often hears you rejecting half of who they are.

Repeating Trash Talk

Your children may come to you after spending time with the other parent and repeat negative comments about you. The natural reaction is to feel defensive and hurt and to lash out with negative comments of your own. Natural? Yes. Emotionally healthy? No.

Divorce done well asks a lot of adults, and this is one of those times. Rather than lashing out, apply your child filter: What response is best for my children?

The answer is to keep a cool head and not react. No drama, please. Stay in your role as a parent. Watch your body language to make sure it supports comments you can make, such as –

• Hmm. (Yep, that’s it!)
• Your mom and I see things differently.
• If you have questions for me, ask. I’m happy to talk with you.
• It’s not your job to tell me what Dad says. I’ll speak directly with him.

Two Homes, Two Sets of Rules

Each parent will have different house rules in their post-divorce homes. It takes adjustment for children as they move back and forth between parents. Fortunately, children are adept at adjusting to differing rules for each home and are typically more flexible than adults in this way. They quickly learn, for example, that rules at daycare or school differ from those at home, and they adapt. They can apply this experience to Mom’s and Dad’s rules with minimal difficulty.

Harder for adults is the often-disconcerting realisation that they have no power over what happens at the other parent’s house. The rules for bedtime, chores, curfew, discipline, and family routines frequently vary from home to home. Successful co-parents accept that unless a situation has to do with them, or is about their child’s immediate health or welfare, what happens at the other parent’s home isn’t their business. That said, it always helps children when both parents have similar rules.

You Do Not Have to Like Your Ex to Respect Their Role

I know it is difficult, but I have sat with many clients whose former spouses have hurt them deeply. They ask me, “How can I possibly support my child having a relationship with my ex after everything he/she has done?” My answer is always the same – you’re not supporting him but helping your child.

Let your children talk freely about happy moments or simple daily things they’ve experienced with their other parents. Sometimes, your child says something that surprises you or hits a tender spot. Instead of reacting right away, pause. Take a breath. Look them in the eye and listen with your whole heart. Children feel safest when they know that at least one parent can stay steady, even when everything else feels broken. Even if you and your ex don’t always see eye to eye, your child is far more likely to thrive when they feel secure and deeply loved by each of you.

The best gift divorced parents can give their children is respect for the other parent.

Managing Transitions Calmly

Exchanges between homes can become a hotspot for drama. If the drop-off becomes a weekly routine, your child will likely dread it. Try to keep transitions short, neutral, and predictable with no big discussions and no last-minute surprises, just a steady routine that helps your child feel safe and secure during every handoff between homes. Even if the other parent acts out, your calmness becomes a safe place for your child. The best way for children to move from one home to the next is via school/gan.

One of my clients started keeping a transition bag by the door. It had her child’s favorite book, a small toy, and a snack. The message was simple – this change is okay. You are loved. You are safe. That little act helped the child settle down and protected her no matter where she was going.

With the difficulties of transition in mind, I created the CustodyCare magnetic board. This board was designed with child physiologists, experienced kindergarten teachers and parents. It gives a feeling of stability in a fun way.

Avoid the Language of Loyalty

Children should never feel like loving one parent means betraying the other. After a brutal divorce, even subtle comments can create emotional pressure. What may seem like an offhand remark to you might feel like a loyalty test to your child.

Watch out for sentences like –

• After everything I did for you, do you still want to go to his house?
• Why did he not call you? That shows how much he cares.
• You don’t want to be there, do you?

Even subtle remarks can make a child feel like they are betraying you by enjoying time with their other parent. Loyalty conflicts can lead to emotional shutdown, anxiety, and long-term trust issues. Your child should never have to prove their love to either parent.

Instead, say things like –

• I hope you have a good time.
• If you want to talk while you are there, call me.
• You can tell me anything.

Erasing the pain is not the goal, but making space for your child to feel safe and loved without being trapped in the middle is.

When the Other Parent Is Unsafe for Your Child

Sometimes, one parent might act in manipulative, emotionally damaging, or just plain unhelpful ways, which can mess with the kid’s ability to have a good relationship with them. But even then, your child still deserves honesty without hate.

Instead of “He does not care about you,” try, “Your father is struggling right now. I am here to keep you safe.” That keeps the door open for your child to feel sadness, confusion, or anger without being forced to take your side.

Remember, children often grow into their own opinions. Let them arrive at those truths without being pushed.

You Can Set Boundaries and Still Be Supportive

Loving your child means protecting them, including setting behavior, language, and safety limits. You can gently say, “Here at home, we speak with kindness about both of your parents,” or “What matters most is that you feel safe wherever you are.” Boundaries from love are not harsh; they remind your child that their well-being matters and that home is still a place of peace. Supporting your child’s connection with both parents never means accepting behavior that puts them at risk.

Another way to express it is –

• I must ensure you are safe, which means we have some rules.
• We do not talk to each other that way in this house.
• You can have your relationship with your father, and I am here if you want to talk.

Despite a messy life, you are modelling strength, kindness, and healthy communication.

Your Child’s Healing Is a Long-Term Process

Fixing everything today is not the goal because divorce leaves layers, and there will be hard days. Your child might pull away, act out, or go silent. What matters most is consistency.

Keep showing up with a soft tone and reinforcing that you can love us both.

Sometimes, children come home from their other parent’s house angry, moody, or overly quiet. 

Do not take it personally; give them space to adjust and gently say it seems like you had a hard day. Want to talk about it? Then wait.

Stay Focused on the Long Game

It is easy to get caught up in short-term wins, like who got more holidays, had the last word, or was the better parent. Raising emotionally healthy children is a long game, and you do not have to win every point; you can only be the steady one who listens, sets boundries and forgives.

Over time, children remember consistency more than drama. They remember who showed up and who made them feel safe; that is the real legacy you are building.

Give Yourself Grace

No parent gets it right all the time. You will lose your temper, say something you regret, and feel like you are failing. And that is okay.

What matters is that you come back. You apologize and recommit, knowing your children are not expecting perfection. They are hoping for a connection, so let that be your goal.

Teach Through Example, Not Explanation

Children are watching how you respond to pain, stress, and betrayal, and they will learn to be respectful and loving by how you live. If you want your child to speak kindly, let them hear you say with care. If you want them to resolve conflict thoughtfully, show them how you hold difficult emotions without lashing out.

Your healing is a roadmap for theirs, and when you are grounded, your children feel it. And even when you struggle but continue to show up, it teaches them more than any lecture ever could.

Build Rituals That Reassure

After a brutal divorce, many of the family routines may be broken or lost. Rebuilding small rituals helps restore a child’s sense of belonging. It can be as simple as a bedtime bracha, a Friday night story, or a walk to the market together.

These small consistencies send a powerful message – This home is still home, and while it may be different, it is strong, and you are still loved and secure.

Final Thoughts

Divorces marked by high conflict can leave lasting effects, but children should not be the ones to carry that burden indefinitely. Children feel safest when one parent stays steady. They need someone who leads with quiet strength, sets kind but clear limits, and avoids speaking harshly about the other parent.

That kind of calm presence gives them the space to grow, even when everything around them feels unsettled. By showing your child that stability is still possible, you help them believe they can stay resilient, even when their environment is uncertain.

Halachic Support Through Life’s Hardest Moments

I am Shoshana Goldstein Nissenbaum, a licensed Toenet Rabbanit and divorce mediator. I represent clients in Beit Din successfully navigate divorce, custody, child allowance, division of assets and all other pre- and post-divorce issues with dignity and compassion.

If you struggle to balance protection with co-parenting, I invite you to reach out. I work closely with my clients to create parenting strategies that keep the children’s best interests in mind.

For a private consultation, contact me on 054 798 5733 or click here to book a consultation.

The post Helping Your Children Love Both Parents After a Brutal Divorce first appeared on .

Children process divorce very differently than adults. Understanding their fears and confusion is the first step to offering them safety and stability. Your child’s world is about to be turned upside down. Meal time, vacations, trips and holidays will never be the same. Your divorce might be the best thing for your family, but your child will not be able to understand that. From a child’s perspective a divorce is no different than an amputation. And again, there are times when an amputation is medically  necessary, it’s painful and requires a lot adjustment and rehabilitation. Most parents would go to the end of the earth to protect their children. Yet, those same parents unknowingly  (or refuse to know) share directly or indirectly information regarding their divorce case with their children. Parents should agree on an ironclad rule that the children are not included or informed or involved with any details of negotiations surrounding the divorce.   This includes talking to your toen, lawyer, family or friends about the divorce . Your children should not know or hear the words Beit Din, court, judge, custody, visitation,  social worker, alimony or child support.

Your goal is to walk your children through this divorce peacefully. You don’t want your children to  see life through the lens of your divorce. Make sure they know and they will always have two parents, even if they are no longer living together.

Preparing for the Conversation

Before sitting down with your children, take the time to prepare emotionally and practically:

• Choose a time when all children can be present – preferably Motzei Shabbat or after school when they won’t have to rush off.
• Decide on the key points you will share – keep it simple, honest, and age-appropriate.
• Anticipate questions and reactions – be ready to address their concerns calmly.
• Maintain a united front – even if tensions exist between you and your spouse, you must both present a message of support and stability.
• Discuss logistics beforehand – make sure you and your co-parent agree on basic custody arrangements before speaking with the children.

Expert Insight: “Children need certainty and security. The way parents communicate about divorce will shape how children cope with the transition.” – Dr. Joanne Pedro-Carroll, Child Psychologist.

Finding Your Breath Before You Speak: The Moment Itself

So, you’ve done the prep work. You’ve hopefully found a sliver of calm within yourself, agreed on the core message with your co-parent, and picked a time when the world outside can pause for a moment. Now comes the actual conversation. Walking into that room can feel like walking towards a precipice. Remember to breathe. Your children will sense your anxiety, yes, but they will also sense your intention. Aim for a calm presence, not a cold one. It’s about showing them, “This is hard, I feel it too, but I am here for you, solid and steady.”

When you gather them, try to create a feeling of connection, maybe just by sitting close on the sofa. You don’t need a grand opening statement. Sometimes starting simply with, “We have something really important we need to share with you all,” is enough. Use that “we” language you practiced; it signals unity even if things feel fractured behind the scenes. Then, deliver the news you agreed upon – directly, kindly, without confusing jargon. Something like, “Mom and Dad/Abba and Imma have made a very difficult decision that we need to live in different homes now. We are getting a divorce.”

The crucial next breath? That’s for reassurance. Pour it on thick. Immediately emphasize it’s not their fault. Say it multiple times, different ways. Stress that this is about adult issues, grown-up unhappiness, that has absolutely zero to do with them or anything they did or didn’t do. And wrap it all in love – reiterate, profoundly, that your love for them is unchanging, absolute, and that you will both always be their parents, no matter what.

Then comes the silence. Or maybe, the storm. Let it happen. Don’t rush to fill the quiet or immediately try to fix the tears or anger. Just hold the space. Your ability to simply sit with their raw emotion, without needing to shut it down, is profoundly validating. Nod. Say, “I hear you,” or “I see this hurts.” Connect with their feeling before you try to address the practicalities. This quiet presence, this willingness to witness their pain without flinching, builds more trust than any perfectly crafted answer ever could. Remember, validation first, answers second.

Answering Tough Questions

Q: “Why are you getting divorced?” A: “This is a decision we made as adults because the marriage is not working. But it has nothing to do with you, and we both love you very much.”

Q: “Will I have to move?” A: “We will make sure you have a safe, comfortable home with each of us. We will keep you updated on any changes. If any big changes happen, we will always talk to you first.”

Q: “Can you get back together?” A: “We know you would love that, but this decision is final. Even though we won’t be married, we will always work together as your parents.”

Q: “You always tell us to get along and forgive. You’re the adults—why can’t you do it?” A: “That’s a really good question. Forgiving and getting along are very important, and we are working on that. But being married is different from being friends or family. Sometimes, the best way to be good parents is to live in separate homes where we can both be happy.”

Q: “Who is going to do shidduchim with a family like this?” A: “Shidduchim come from Hashem, and every person has their own unique path. Many wonderful people come from divorced families and go on to build happy, loving homes. What truly matters is how we treat each other, the values we uphold, and the strength we build as a family moving forward. There are many families with divorced parents where the children have found excellent matches and built strong, loving marriages.”

Q: “I don’t want to live with Abba/Imma. I only want to live with Imma/Abba.” A: “We understand that this is a big change, and it’s okay to have strong feelings about it. We will make sure that you have a schedule that helps you feel safe and comfortable. Both of us love you very much, and we want to make sure you continue to have a strong relationship with each of us.”

Example Response for a Child Who Insists on Living Only with One Parent: “I hear that right now you feel like you only want to live with one of us. Sometimes, when things change, we have big emotions. But we know that both of us are important in your life. ”- this should be said by the parent who the children claim they want to live with.

Other Potential Questions:

• “Who will take care of me when I’m sick?” – “Both of us will always take care of you. If you get sick while at Abba’s house, he will take care of you. If you get sick at Imma’s house, she will take care of you. And we will always make sure you have everything you need.”
• “Will you still come to my school events?” – “Yes, both of us will still be involved in your life. Sometimes we will come together, and sometimes separately, but we will always support you.”
• “What happens if I miss the other parent?” – “It’s okay to miss us when you’re at the other home. You can always call or send a message, and we can make sure you have time to check in.”
• “Will we still celebrate Yomim Tovim together?” – “That depends on what works best for our family. Some Yomim Tovim might be together, and some might be separate, but we will always make sure you feel happy and included in the celebrations.” If you do not plan on spending the Yomim Tovim together- tell the children “We are committed to making the Yomim Tovim enjoyable as possible.
• “What if I don’t like going back and forth between two houses?” – “That’s understandable, and we will do our best to make things comfortable for you. We will have special things for you in both homes and create a plan that makes moving back and forth easier.”

Expert Insight: “Answer questions honestly, but in a way that does not burden the child with adult problems.” – Dr. William Doherty, Family Therapist.

Life After the Initial Talk: Weathering the Changes Together

Getting through that first conversation feels like scaling a mountain. But reaching the summit just reveals a whole new landscape to navigate. The days and weeks following the initial talk are where the real work of adjustment begins, both for your children and for you. This isn’t about suddenly everything being okay; it’s about building a new kind of normal, slowly and patiently.

Don’t assume one conversation is enough. Kids process big news in layers, often revisiting it in their minds long after the initial shock wears off. New questions might bubble up days later, or feelings might intensify. Keep the door open. Let them know, implicitly and explicitly, that it’s always okay to talk about it, to ask more, to feel sad or angry again. Sometimes a simple, “Just checking in – how are things feeling today?” can create that space. Let their pace guide these follow-up chats.

Consistency becomes a lifeboat in choppy waters. The world feels unpredictable, so create predictability wherever you can. Sticking to routines – bedtimes, homework schedules, meal times – provides comfort. And crucially, try your absolute hardest to establish and maintain a consistent schedule for transitions between homes. Knowing what to expect, week to week, helps children feel more secure and less anxious. Aiming for similar core rules and expectations in both households also helps immensely, reducing confusion and the potential for kids to feel caught in loyalty binds or exploit differences.

This leads to perhaps the most vital ongoing task: shielding your kids from conflict. That united front you hopefully started with? It needs to become your co-parenting mantra. Whatever frustrations, disagreements, or hurt feelings exist between you and your ex-partner must be handled away from the children. No exceptions. No snide remarks, no tense phone calls in their hearing, no asking them to relay messages. Witnessing parental conflict is incredibly stressful and damaging for children. Communicate directly with your co-parent about logistics, schedules, and child-related decisions, but keep it business-like and private. Use email, specific co-parenting apps, or even mediation if direct communication consistently devolves into arguments. Your children’s well-being depends on this buffer.

Recognize too, that this is a time of grief. Your children are mourning the loss of the family they knew, the future they imagined. Allow space for that sadness. Don’t try to cheer them up constantly or minimize their feelings. Sometimes they just need to be sad, and they need to know that’s okay. And extend that same grace to yourself – you’re grieving too. Finding healthy outlets for your own emotions is vital. Consider your support system – lean on trusted friends or family who are genuinely supportive (not those who fuel conflict). And don’t hesitate to seek professional help if your child seems stuck in their grief or anxiety, exhibiting prolonged changes in behavior or mood. A therapist or school counselor can be an invaluable ally. Taking care of your own mental health is not selfish; it’s essential for being the parent your children need right now.

Final Thoughts

Divorce is a difficult transition, but children can emerge resilient when given love, stability, and clear communication. By approaching the conversation with care and preparing for different reactions, you provide them with the foundation they need to navigate this change. The above advice is general and may not be applicable to your family. Before having this life altering conversation with your children, it is best to consult a professional who knows your family dynamic.

Shoshana Goldstein-Nissenbaum, Toenet Rabbanit and Mediator, has a wealth of knowledge on how to navigate the difficulties and transitions of divorce. With years of experience guiding families through complex and emotional challenges, she offers more than just advocacy or mediation—she provides a compassionate, strategic approach to help parents and children build resilience and stability during this transition. Her work extends beyond legal and halachic expertise—she helps families create lasting, peaceful co-parenting structures that support children’s emotional well-being.

She helps parents create sustainable co-parenting plans, develop healthy communication, and build a strong foundation for their children’s emotional security. If you are navigating divorce and need guidance, support, or mediation, reach out for expert advice and practical solutions tailored to your family’s needs.

Peace begins with a plan. Schedule a consultation today to get the structure you and your children need.

“The way parents handle divorce will shape how their children view relationships and trust in the future.” – Dr. Judith Wallerstein, Psychologist.

The post GUIDEBOOK: HOW TO TELL YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT DIVORCE first appeared on .

In the context of the Israeli legal system, child visitation arrangements are a pivotal issue when resolving custody disputes. Mediation plays a critical role in crafting solutions that prioritize the child’s well-being while balancing parental responsibilities. This essay examines the effects of an inconsistent visitation schedule on a child, explores the emotions a child may experience when a parent fails to show up, and highlights the importance of parental flexibility. Additionally, it underscores how the services of a toenet rabbanit and mediator can facilitate sustainable and secure visitation arrangements.

The Effects of an Inconsistent Schedule on a Child

Consistency in a child’s routine fosters stability and security. When visitation schedules are inconsistent, it disrupts the child’s sense of normalcy, leading to emotional and psychological consequences. In Israel, where the welfare of the child (tovat ha’yeled) is the primary concern in legal decisions regarding custody and visitation, the ramifications of an irregular schedule are taken seriously.

An inconsistent schedule may lead to feelings of uncertainty and anxiety in children. For example, if a parent frequently cancels or changes visitation times at the last minute, the child’s ability to trust the parent can be undermined. Such unpredictability might also affect other areas of the child’s life, including academic performance, social interactions, and emotional development. Studies in child psychology affirm that children thrive in structured environments, where they know what to expect and can rely on the adults in their lives to provide stability.

How a Child Feels When a Parent Fails to Show Up

The emotional toll of a parent not showing up for scheduled visitation can be profound. Children may experience feelings of rejection, sadness, and confusion. The absence of a parent sends a non-verbal message that the child may interpret as “I am not important enough.” This interpretation can have long-term effects, including low self-esteem, difficulty forming relationships, and even resentment toward the absent parent.

There are also parents who, for various reasons, may never adhere to any schedule. This could be due to severe untreated ADD, a personality disorder, or an excessively demanding work schedule. Whatever the reason, the burden of maintaining stability and equilibrium in the child’s life often falls on the healthier parent. This is not an easy task. It is important to remember, however, that you are not merely cleaning up after your co-parent’s mess; you are creating stability for your child. You are your child’s anchor. If you become unhinged as well, who will be there for the child?

For younger children, the failure of a parent to appear can create fear and insecurity. They might question whether the parent cares about them, leading to emotional withdrawal. Older children and teenagers may express their feelings through anger or rebellious behavior, further complicating the co-parenting dynamic.

From a halachic perspective, the concept of honoring parental obligations aligns with the Jewish emphasis on building strong familial bonds. The emotional impact of an absent parent contradicts the values of nurturing and responsibility that are central to Jewish family life.

The emotional toll of a parent not showing up for scheduled visitation can be profound. Children may experience feelings of rejection, sadness, and confusion. The absence of a parent sends a non-verbal message that the child may interpret as “I am not important enough.” This interpretation can have long-term effects, including low self-esteem, difficulty forming relationships, and even resentment toward the absent parent.

For younger children, the failure of a parent to appear can create fear and insecurity. They might question whether the parent cares about them, leading to emotional withdrawal. Older children and teenagers may express their feelings through anger or rebellious behavior, further complicating the co-parenting dynamic.

From a halachic perspective, the concept of honoring parental obligations aligns with the Jewish emphasis on building strong familial bonds. The emotional impact of an absent parent contradicts the values of nurturing and responsibility that are central to Jewish family life.

The Responsibility of a Parent to Be Flexible

While consistency is essential, parental flexibility is equally critical in ensuring the child’s best interests are met. In the Israeli legal framework, parents are encouraged to collaborate to create schedules that accommodate the child’s needs, as well as the realities of each parent’s circumstances.

Flexibility does not mean compromising the child’s stability but rather adapting to unforeseen circumstances in a manner that prioritizes their well-being. For instance, if a parent faces work-related challenges that conflict with a visitation time, open communication and a willingness to reschedule can demonstrate respect for the child’s emotional needs. Conversely, rigidity or an unwillingness to cooperate can exacerbate tensions and negatively affect the child.

Parents must also recognize the importance of communicating changes in advance. When a parent informs the child and the co-parent of a schedule adjustment with sufficient notice, it minimizes disruption and maintains trust. Flexibility should also extend to the child’s preferences, particularly as they grow older and develop their own social, academic, and extracurricular commitments.

The Role of a Toenet Rabbanit and Mediator in Optimizing Visitation

As a toenet rabbanit and mediator, I provide a unique service that integrates legal expertise, halachic understanding, and a deep commitment to the child’s welfare. My approach focuses on fostering collaboration between parents to achieve sustainable visitation arrangements that promote security and stability for the child. It is always preferable that the parents agree on the children’s schedule. When they can’t agree the Beit Din or Family court will order an evaluation (a taskir) . It is very important to have good advice before the taskir begins.

Mediation to Resolve Conflicts

Mediation is a cornerstone of the Israeli family law system, emphasizing amicable resolutions over contentious litigation. My role as a mediator is to facilitate constructive dialogue between parents, helping them understand the impact of their decisions on their child’s well-being. This involves creating a safe space for both parties to voice their concerns, identify common goals, and develop a visitation plan that aligns with the child’s best interests.

For example, when addressing inconsistent visitation schedules, I work with parents to establish clear guidelines that balance predictability with flexibility. This may include setting primary and alternative visitation times, defining procedures for communicating changes, and outlining consequences for non-compliance. By encouraging transparency and mutual respect, mediation can prevent misunderstandings and foster a cooperative co-parenting relationship.

Integrating Halachic Principles

When mediating disputes, I remind parents of the shared responsibility to act in the child’s best interests. This includes honoring visitation commitments, communicating respectfully, and prioritizing the child’s stability over personal grievances.

Practical Solutions for Sustainable Visitation

To create visitation arrangements that are both sustainable and secure, I employ a combination of legal strategies and practical tools. These may include:

Detailed Visitation Plans: Establishing schedules that specify dates, times, and locations for visitation, along with protocols for changes or cancellations.

Parenting Agreements: Drafting agreements that outline each parent’s responsibilities and expectations, providing a framework for accountability.

Co-Parenting Workshops: Offering resources and workshops to help parents develop communication skills and conflict resolution strategies.

Child-Centered Advocacy: Ensuring that the child’s voice is heard, particularly in cases involving older children who may have specific preferences.

Ensuring Security for the Child

A secure visitation arrangement is one that provides the child with a sense of predictability and emotional safety. This requires parents to demonstrate reliability, empathy, and a willingness to collaborate. My mediation services emphasize the importance of building trust between parents and the child, fostering a stable environment where the child can thrive.

Introducing the Custody Care Board

My post-divorce work with families and my own experiences inspired me to create the Custody Care Board, an innovative tool designed to help divorced parents create clear and consistent schedules for their children. The Custody Care Board ensures children always know when they will be with each parent, providing structure and security during what can be a tumultuous time.

Psychologists emphasize the importance of stability and predictability for children, especially during the upheaval of a divorce. Dr. Edward Kruk, a prominent expert in child custody and divorce, highlights that “children’s adjustment to divorce is enhanced by the predictability and security of regular, frequent, and continued contact with both parents.” The Custody Care Board aligns with these principles by offering parents a user-friendly way to manage custody schedules, set reminders, and maintain consistent communication.

Using the Custody Care Magnetic Chart, parents and children can plan weekly schedules together, fostering engagement and reducing anxiety. This visual and interactive tool helps children feel a sense of control and predictability, mitigating the stress caused by divorce.

By integrating the Custody Care Board into my mediation services, I empower parents to create sustainable visitation arrangements that prioritize their child’s emotional well-being. This tool embodies my commitment to providing practical, child-centered solutions that ensure stability and security for families navigating the challenges of divorce.

Inconsistent visitation schedules can have detrimental effects on a child’s emotional and psychological well-being, leading to feelings of insecurity and rejection. Parents have a responsibility to balance consistency with flexibility, ensuring that their actions prioritize the child’s best interests. As a toenet rabbanit and mediator, I am uniquely positioned to facilitate optimal visitation arrangements that align with the principles of the Israeli legal system and Jewish values. My creation of the Custody Care Board further enhances this process, offering families a practical tool to promote stability, cooperation, and the emotional health of their children.

The post Navigating Post Divorce Custody first appeared on .

Prepare Yourself Mentally

Divorce is not just a legal process; it is an emotional and psychological upheaval. To manage this effectively:

Create a Support System: Surround yourself with trusted friends, family, or a therapist who understands the dynamics of high-conflict divorces. Regular check-ins with this support network can provide the emotional stability you need. This doesn’t mean you share your story or private information with the people in your support system, nor do you take advice from non-professionals.

Practice Mindfulness and Meditation: Dedicate time daily to mindfulness practices. Guided apps like Headspace or Calm can help you manage stress and focus.

Journal Regularly: Writing down your thoughts and emotions can help you process complex feelings and clarify your goals.

Seek Professional Counseling: Engage a therapist who specializes in high-conflict divorce and narcissistic relationships. They can offer tailored strategies to manage your specific challenges.

By grounding yourself mentally, you set the tone for constructive decision-making and healthier interactions during mediation or court proceedings.

Educate Yourself About Narcissism

Understanding the traits and tactics of a narcissist can be a game-changer. Knowledge equips you to anticipate their moves and protect yourself effectively:

Read Authoritative Books: Resources like Disarming the Narcissist by Wendy T. Behary or The Narcissist You Know by Joseph Burgo provide deep insights.

Attend Webinars and Courses: Experts such as Dr. Ramani Durvasula  or Danish Bashir offer valuable guidance through online resources.

Join Support Groups: Connecting with others in similar situations can be a source of emotional validation and practical advice.

Record Patterns: Maintain a detailed log of the narcissist’s behaviors, which can be invaluable in court or mediation settings.

Education helps you stay detached and objective, minimizing the emotional toll of their manipulations.

 Set Clear Boundaries

Boundaries are essential when dealing with a narcissistic ex. Without them, you risk being drawn into endless conflict:

Communicate Explicitly: Clearly outline your boundaries in writing. For instance, limit discussions to parenting-related matters and use documented communication platforms like emails or parenting apps.

Practice Saying “No”: Rehearse asserting your boundaries politely but firmly.

Develop Scripts: Prepare responses to predictable situations, ensuring consistency in your reactions.

Remember, setting boundaries is not about controlling the other person but protecting your own peace of mind.

 Stay Calm

Narcissists thrive on creating chaos and eliciting emotional reactions. Maintaining your composure is your most powerful defense:

Practice Deep Breathing: Techniques like the 4-7-8 method (inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7, exhale for 8) can quickly reduce stress.  Breathwork has been a game changer for me.

Engage in Regular Exercise: Physical activity such as walking or yoga helps release pent-up tension.

Create a Calm Environment: Before critical meetings or mediation sessions, prepare a serene space with calming scents, soft lighting, and minimal distractions.

Use Affirmations: Repeat mantras like “I can do this” or “This will pass”  to reinforce your emotional resilience.

Staying calm allows you to make rational decisions and avoid giving the narcissist the reactions they seek.

Don’t Engage in Their Games

Narcissists often employ manipulation tactics to provoke or derail you. Avoid playing into their hands by:

Staying Fact-Focused: Keep discussions centered on objective, verifiable information.

Using the Gray Rock Method: Minimize emotional engagement by being as neutral and unresponsive as possible.

Limiting Interactions: Only communicate during scheduled sessions or through mediators.

Preparing Responses: Anticipate manipulative tactics and rehearse calm, concise replies.

Seeking Third-party Oversight: Involve a mediator or legal professional to ensure interactions remain constructive.

By not engaging, you deny the narcissist the control they crave and maintain your focus on what truly matters.

Counter-parenting can wreak havoc on children if not managed carefully. Your role as the stable parent is critical:

Maintain Consistency: Provide a predictable routine for your children to foster a sense of security.

Validate Their Feelings: Create a safe space for your children to express their emotions without fear of judgment.

Shield Them from Conflict: Avoid speaking negatively about the other parent in their presence.

Seek Professional Help: Engage a child psychologist who can help your children process the challenges of a high-conflict divorce.

Your children’s well-being should always take precedence, serving as a guiding principle in all your decisions.

Post-divorce life often presents its own set of challenges, particularly when co-parenting is impossible:

Develop a Communication Plan: Use apps like OurFamilyWizard to streamline necessary interactions and minimize direct contact. This minimizes contact and reduces the narcissists’ ability to be in contact with you.

Focus on Your Goals: Invest time in personal growth, career development, or hobbies that bring you fulfillment.

Secure Financial Independence: Work with a financial advisor to create a sustainable post-divorce budget. One of the first things I do with a client is analyze their financial standing, check if they qualify for any government assistance and create a post-divorce realistic and sustainable budget.

Stay Informed: Continue educating yourself about legal updates and resources available to single parents. There are many discounts given to single parents and government grants. It is important that your divorce agreement is written in a way that awards you the right to claim these grants.

A proactive approach ensures you remain in control of your new life chapter.

Seek Professional Guidance

Navigating high-conflict divorces requires specialized expertise. As a to’enet rabbanit and mediator, I offer:

Comprehensive Legal Support: Helping you understand your rights and obligations within the framework of halacha and civil law, both in the divorce process and with  post-divorce complications.

Tailored Mediation Services: Facilitating productive discussions to resolve disputes amicably whenever possible.

Emotional and Practical Strategies: Guiding you through every step of the process with empathy and actionable advice.

Education: Educating you on the process of divorce and the legal system. Helping you receive any government and NGO funding you are eligible for.   

No one should have to face these challenges alone. Professional support can make all the difference in achieving a fair and dignified outcome.

Divorce is undoubtedly one of life’s most demanding experiences, especially when counter-parenting complicates co-parenting. Yet, with preparation, resilience, and the right guidance, you can navigate these challenges effectively. Remember, you are not alone. My podcasts on YouTube provide further insights and support, and I invite you to join me at the Divorcing with Dignity Conference on January 28, 2025, in Jerusalem. Together, we can transform adversity into an opportunity for growth and healing.

The post When co-parenting is not an option first appeared on .