His presentation, titled “Alienating Behaviours Are Child Psychological Maltreatment: Prevention and Treatment,” resounded with urgency and truth.

Judge Marcus, a veteran of the family court bench in Jerusalem and a leading authority on child welfare, framed Parental Alienation not as a mere symptom of high-conflict divorce, but as a form of emotional abuse with profound and lasting effects on children. 

This is not a behavioral issue. Alienation during divorce is not merely a personal crisis. It is a public health issue, a psychological emergency, and a moral failure in how children are protected during family separation.

Erasing a parent forces the child into conflict. Split loyalty quietly fractures their inner world for years. 

That is why prevention is not enough. Efforts to avoid alienation must evolve into an active, systematic defence against it. Family systems, legal frameworks, educators, and therapists must recognise its danger and treat it as a priority.

What begins as a private dispute can escalate into a form of psychological warfare. The cost is paid in a child’s trust, mental health, and lifelong relationship patterns.

Neutrality is not protection. Silence is not safety.

This is a call to act, consistently, intelligently, and without delay.

Understanding the Roots: What is Parental Alienation?

Judge Marcus carefully distinguishes between the controversial label of “Parental Alienation Syndrome” and the more precise, legally serviceable concept of “Parental Alienating Behaviours” (PABs).

PABs encompass a range of actions or omissions by one parent that systematically erode the child’s bond with the other parent. These include:

• Criticizing the other parent where the child can hear
• Leaving the other parent out of essential moments or school events
• Allowing or encouraging the child to disrespect or reject the other parent
• Using schedules, holidays, or religion to push one parent aside is a form of control.

Even when done subtly or without intent, the damage to the child is no less real. In the words of Judge Marcus: 

“Children do not have the psychological architecture to resist manipulation by the parent they depend on.”

The real harm often hides behind words that sound noble. A parent says, “I’m protecting my child,” or “They deserve the truth.” But sharing adult anger under the guise of truth is not protection; it is harm. Making a child carry one parent’s bitterness strips away their innocence.

Like the mother who says, “Your father left because he doesn’t care.” That is not true. That is a wound. Or a father who routinely fails to bring the child to handovers, then says, “Mom didn’t want to see you today.” In both cases, the child internalizes rejection, distrust, and anxiety, not about the alienated parent, but about themselves.

Let’s say it’s true that a father left because he doesn’t care. A child (and most adults) is not mature enough to separate the behavior of an unhealthy parent from their self-perception. 

Alienating Behaviors: Psychological Child Maltreatment

In a forthcoming 2025 publication co-authored with psychologist Irit Kivenson Bar-On, Judge Marcus presents overwhelming evidence that PABs amount to psychological child maltreatment. The symptoms in alienated children often include:

• Distorted thinking, poor reality testing
• Emotional constriction or pseudo-maturity
• Gender identity confusion
• Unwarranted fear, aggression, or rejection of the alienated parent

A 2022 umbrella study covering over 11 million participants found that emotional maltreatment has consequences equal to, or greater than, physical and sexual abuse.

This reality is not only academically disturbing; it is morally devastating. We would never allow a parent to strike a child. But we do, time and again, permit emotional blows so devastating that children grow into adults scarred by distorted relationships, mistrust of authority, and difficulties in intimacy. And of course, the alienating parent is charged with self-righteousness and delusions of “protecting” their child. 

As a mediator and toenet rabbanit, I have seen children become tools in their parents’ unresolved trauma. And the tools used? Words, Withholding, Silence, Poisoned loyalty, false moral outrage, the alienating parent has an arsenal of nuclear emotional weapons.

Why It Happens: The Unseen Web

Judge Marcus reminds us that not every case of contact refusal is alienation. Some parents have genuine histories of abuse. Some struggle with untreated mental illness. Teens may withdraw as part of normal development.

But where a parent deliberately turns the child away from the other, or fails to protect the relationship, alienation takes root. This can take many forms:

• Framing the alienated parent as dangerous or incompetent
• Indulging the child’s hostility instead of challenging it
• Withholding information about school or health matters
• Invalidating the other parent’s role in front of the child

One mother told me, “I only roll my eyes when he calls.” But children read those eye rolls. They feel the withdrawal. Alienation is not just what we say—it’s how we say it, what we fail to say, and what we model.

Prevention: Building the Fence Before the Fall

“Why pull drowning children out,” asks Judge Marcus, “when we could build a fence to stop the fall?”

This fence is Primary Prevention, and it begins long before court. It includes:

Prenups – This is the essential. More than what is written in the prenup, the process of having difficult decisions about triggering topics is an excellent indication of maturity, responsibility and accountability. Most couples find the idea of talking about divorce “unromantic”. 

This might be true, but if you are truly seeking to find a suitable partner: 

1. You need to be a suitable partner and
2. You need to explore if you and your partner can have difficult conversations and be able to find solutions together , taking into account each other’s needs. 

Being able to disagree and find common ground is a great litmus test for compatibility.  Avoiding difficult  conversations and confrontation. I can not stress this point enough. More than what is written in the prenup is the process of problem solving together, perhaps the most important dimension of a strong marriage. 

Premarital Counseling – Conflict resolution, emotional regulation, and parenting philosophies should be standard curriculum.

Religious and Cultural Leaders – Rabbis, rebbetzins, teachers—all must speak clearly that parental alienation is a sin against the child.

Synagogue and School Leadership – Too often, principals and rabbis avoid involvement, fearing they’ll be seen as taking sides. But silence is complicity. When a parent is being alienated, our community must extend inclusion, not distance. Teacher need to include both parents, 

We must create literature, host workshops, distribute guidelines for families in crisis. Every parent should know: your ex is not your enemy. Your child is not your ally. And your grief must never be your child’s burden.

Identification and Intervention: Every Day Counts

Secondary Prevention means catching the signs early:

• A child who mimics adult accusations
• Sudden rejection of one parent without cause
• Splitting behavior: one parent “all good,” the other “all bad”

Professionals need tools:

• Schools must train teachers to spot emotional abuse
• Doctors and Nurses should include parenting dynamic questions in intake
• Therapists must be trained to distinguish alienation from justified distance
• Courts must refer high-conflict cases to trained family evaluators immediately
• Rabbi and Therapists must first speak with the other parent before giving any a “psak” instruction that they should or could cut off from a parent. 

I am working to build a screening protocol at intake for legal professionals. This is most complicated as the parents are usually in the height of conflict, emotionally overwhelmed and not nesseccarily able to put their emotions aside and unbiasedly put their children’s needs first. 

Alienation rarely happens overnight. It is slow, methodical, like Chinese water torture. And then suddenly, the dam breaks: “I hate him. I never want to see him again.”

Tertiary Response: When Court Is the Only Option

When prevention fails, courts become necessary. But Judge Marcus cautions: most judges are not trained psychologists. Without deep understanding of child attachment and trauma, courts may unintentionally reward alienating behavior.

Common errors include:

• Believing the child’s wishes without evaluating influence
• Allowing alienating parents to control access
• Avoiding enforcement to “avoid more conflict”
• Not understanding that children will often “side” with the abusive parent against the healthier parent. 

However, no contact is the highest level of conflict. Prolonged absence erodes any remaining bond. The court must:

• Move swiftly
• Sanction noncompliance
• Order therapeutic intervention

Family courts and Rabbinical Batei Din must be educated about the psychology of alienation. Courts often hesitate to limit an alienating parent’s time, fearing backlash. But unchecked manipulation masked as “shared parenting” can erode a child’s emotional foundation.

The Alternative: Healing Without the Gavel

Before court, we have better tools:

• Collaborative Divorce: Where both parties commit to fairness
• Mediation with Trauma-Informed Professionals: Where the goal is healing, not winning
• Conciliation through Shared Narrative: Where the child’s story matters most

But these methods require screening. Not every family is ready. Personality disorders, domestic abuse, and unresolved trauma can hijack the process. Some parents will use these methods to heap even more abuse onto the other parent. 

In my mediation practice, I’ve seen both: The miraculous transformation of parents who chose peace, and the devastation wrought by untreated narcissism, borderline behaviors, and vindictive patterns. 

My Plea: A Personal Reflection

This issue is not theoretical to me.

A father sits with tears, asking why his daughter stays silent.

Her son turns on her with harsh words, forgetting she once sat by his hospital bed.

A child whispers, “I love Mommy… but Daddy must not know.” He says she doesn’t really love me.”

It is the child who says to his father, “You can’t come to my wedding, because if you come Mommy won’t .”

This is a moral crisis.

And to every parent, I say:
Do not make your child your weapon.

Do not make your pain your child’s inheritance.

A Communal Call: What We Must Do

Judge Marcus challenges us all:

1. Inform: Highlight survivor stories through public awareness efforts.
2. Equip: Provide continuous education for lawyers, judges, rabbis, and mental health professionals.
3. Support: Allocate resources to early intervention and post-divorce recovery programs.
4. Protect: Make it unethical for legal professionals to support alienation knowingly.
5. Support: Build a communal safety net for alienated parents, including peer groups and mental health resources.

Conclusion: Every Child Deserves Both Parents

How tragic when a child feels lonely inside their own family—not because of death or distance, but because they have been taught to hate.

Let us end this.

Let us build systems that see, that intervene, that restore.

Let us honor the sacred right of a child to love both parents—freely, fully, and without fear.

For consultations, speaking engagements, or mediation inquiries:
Toenet Rabbanit Shoshana Goldstein-Nissenbaum, founder of Oseh Shalom Family Mediation
Email: sgn@toenet.com Tel: 054-798-5733For Judge Philip Marcus’ publications and professional trainings:
Email: philipmarcusjurist@gmail.com

The post Parental Alienation: A Call to Conscience and Collective Action first appeared on .

Children process divorce very differently than adults. Understanding their fears and confusion is the first step to offering them safety and stability. Your child’s world is about to be turned upside down. Meal time, vacations, trips and holidays will never be the same. Your divorce might be the best thing for your family, but your child will not be able to understand that. From a child’s perspective a divorce is no different than an amputation. And again, there are times when an amputation is medically  necessary, it’s painful and requires a lot adjustment and rehabilitation. Most parents would go to the end of the earth to protect their children. Yet, those same parents unknowingly  (or refuse to know) share directly or indirectly information regarding their divorce case with their children. Parents should agree on an ironclad rule that the children are not included or informed or involved with any details of negotiations surrounding the divorce.   This includes talking to your toen, lawyer, family or friends about the divorce . Your children should not know or hear the words Beit Din, court, judge, custody, visitation,  social worker, alimony or child support.

Your goal is to walk your children through this divorce peacefully. You don’t want your children to  see life through the lens of your divorce. Make sure they know and they will always have two parents, even if they are no longer living together.

Preparing for the Conversation

Before sitting down with your children, take the time to prepare emotionally and practically:

• Choose a time when all children can be present – preferably Motzei Shabbat or after school when they won’t have to rush off.
• Decide on the key points you will share – keep it simple, honest, and age-appropriate.
• Anticipate questions and reactions – be ready to address their concerns calmly.
• Maintain a united front – even if tensions exist between you and your spouse, you must both present a message of support and stability.
• Discuss logistics beforehand – make sure you and your co-parent agree on basic custody arrangements before speaking with the children.

Expert Insight: “Children need certainty and security. The way parents communicate about divorce will shape how children cope with the transition.” – Dr. Joanne Pedro-Carroll, Child Psychologist.

Finding Your Breath Before You Speak: The Moment Itself

So, you’ve done the prep work. You’ve hopefully found a sliver of calm within yourself, agreed on the core message with your co-parent, and picked a time when the world outside can pause for a moment. Now comes the actual conversation. Walking into that room can feel like walking towards a precipice. Remember to breathe. Your children will sense your anxiety, yes, but they will also sense your intention. Aim for a calm presence, not a cold one. It’s about showing them, “This is hard, I feel it too, but I am here for you, solid and steady.”

When you gather them, try to create a feeling of connection, maybe just by sitting close on the sofa. You don’t need a grand opening statement. Sometimes starting simply with, “We have something really important we need to share with you all,” is enough. Use that “we” language you practiced; it signals unity even if things feel fractured behind the scenes. Then, deliver the news you agreed upon – directly, kindly, without confusing jargon. Something like, “Mom and Dad/Abba and Imma have made a very difficult decision that we need to live in different homes now. We are getting a divorce.”

The crucial next breath? That’s for reassurance. Pour it on thick. Immediately emphasize it’s not their fault. Say it multiple times, different ways. Stress that this is about adult issues, grown-up unhappiness, that has absolutely zero to do with them or anything they did or didn’t do. And wrap it all in love – reiterate, profoundly, that your love for them is unchanging, absolute, and that you will both always be their parents, no matter what.

Then comes the silence. Or maybe, the storm. Let it happen. Don’t rush to fill the quiet or immediately try to fix the tears or anger. Just hold the space. Your ability to simply sit with their raw emotion, without needing to shut it down, is profoundly validating. Nod. Say, “I hear you,” or “I see this hurts.” Connect with their feeling before you try to address the practicalities. This quiet presence, this willingness to witness their pain without flinching, builds more trust than any perfectly crafted answer ever could. Remember, validation first, answers second.

Answering Tough Questions

Q: “Why are you getting divorced?” A: “This is a decision we made as adults because the marriage is not working. But it has nothing to do with you, and we both love you very much.”

Q: “Will I have to move?” A: “We will make sure you have a safe, comfortable home with each of us. We will keep you updated on any changes. If any big changes happen, we will always talk to you first.”

Q: “Can you get back together?” A: “We know you would love that, but this decision is final. Even though we won’t be married, we will always work together as your parents.”

Q: “You always tell us to get along and forgive. You’re the adults—why can’t you do it?” A: “That’s a really good question. Forgiving and getting along are very important, and we are working on that. But being married is different from being friends or family. Sometimes, the best way to be good parents is to live in separate homes where we can both be happy.”

Q: “Who is going to do shidduchim with a family like this?” A: “Shidduchim come from Hashem, and every person has their own unique path. Many wonderful people come from divorced families and go on to build happy, loving homes. What truly matters is how we treat each other, the values we uphold, and the strength we build as a family moving forward. There are many families with divorced parents where the children have found excellent matches and built strong, loving marriages.”

Q: “I don’t want to live with Abba/Imma. I only want to live with Imma/Abba.” A: “We understand that this is a big change, and it’s okay to have strong feelings about it. We will make sure that you have a schedule that helps you feel safe and comfortable. Both of us love you very much, and we want to make sure you continue to have a strong relationship with each of us.”

Example Response for a Child Who Insists on Living Only with One Parent: “I hear that right now you feel like you only want to live with one of us. Sometimes, when things change, we have big emotions. But we know that both of us are important in your life. ”- this should be said by the parent who the children claim they want to live with.

Other Potential Questions:

• “Who will take care of me when I’m sick?” – “Both of us will always take care of you. If you get sick while at Abba’s house, he will take care of you. If you get sick at Imma’s house, she will take care of you. And we will always make sure you have everything you need.”
• “Will you still come to my school events?” – “Yes, both of us will still be involved in your life. Sometimes we will come together, and sometimes separately, but we will always support you.”
• “What happens if I miss the other parent?” – “It’s okay to miss us when you’re at the other home. You can always call or send a message, and we can make sure you have time to check in.”
• “Will we still celebrate Yomim Tovim together?” – “That depends on what works best for our family. Some Yomim Tovim might be together, and some might be separate, but we will always make sure you feel happy and included in the celebrations.” If you do not plan on spending the Yomim Tovim together- tell the children “We are committed to making the Yomim Tovim enjoyable as possible.
• “What if I don’t like going back and forth between two houses?” – “That’s understandable, and we will do our best to make things comfortable for you. We will have special things for you in both homes and create a plan that makes moving back and forth easier.”

Expert Insight: “Answer questions honestly, but in a way that does not burden the child with adult problems.” – Dr. William Doherty, Family Therapist.

Life After the Initial Talk: Weathering the Changes Together

Getting through that first conversation feels like scaling a mountain. But reaching the summit just reveals a whole new landscape to navigate. The days and weeks following the initial talk are where the real work of adjustment begins, both for your children and for you. This isn’t about suddenly everything being okay; it’s about building a new kind of normal, slowly and patiently.

Don’t assume one conversation is enough. Kids process big news in layers, often revisiting it in their minds long after the initial shock wears off. New questions might bubble up days later, or feelings might intensify. Keep the door open. Let them know, implicitly and explicitly, that it’s always okay to talk about it, to ask more, to feel sad or angry again. Sometimes a simple, “Just checking in – how are things feeling today?” can create that space. Let their pace guide these follow-up chats.

Consistency becomes a lifeboat in choppy waters. The world feels unpredictable, so create predictability wherever you can. Sticking to routines – bedtimes, homework schedules, meal times – provides comfort. And crucially, try your absolute hardest to establish and maintain a consistent schedule for transitions between homes. Knowing what to expect, week to week, helps children feel more secure and less anxious. Aiming for similar core rules and expectations in both households also helps immensely, reducing confusion and the potential for kids to feel caught in loyalty binds or exploit differences.

This leads to perhaps the most vital ongoing task: shielding your kids from conflict. That united front you hopefully started with? It needs to become your co-parenting mantra. Whatever frustrations, disagreements, or hurt feelings exist between you and your ex-partner must be handled away from the children. No exceptions. No snide remarks, no tense phone calls in their hearing, no asking them to relay messages. Witnessing parental conflict is incredibly stressful and damaging for children. Communicate directly with your co-parent about logistics, schedules, and child-related decisions, but keep it business-like and private. Use email, specific co-parenting apps, or even mediation if direct communication consistently devolves into arguments. Your children’s well-being depends on this buffer.

Recognize too, that this is a time of grief. Your children are mourning the loss of the family they knew, the future they imagined. Allow space for that sadness. Don’t try to cheer them up constantly or minimize their feelings. Sometimes they just need to be sad, and they need to know that’s okay. And extend that same grace to yourself – you’re grieving too. Finding healthy outlets for your own emotions is vital. Consider your support system – lean on trusted friends or family who are genuinely supportive (not those who fuel conflict). And don’t hesitate to seek professional help if your child seems stuck in their grief or anxiety, exhibiting prolonged changes in behavior or mood. A therapist or school counselor can be an invaluable ally. Taking care of your own mental health is not selfish; it’s essential for being the parent your children need right now.

Final Thoughts

Divorce is a difficult transition, but children can emerge resilient when given love, stability, and clear communication. By approaching the conversation with care and preparing for different reactions, you provide them with the foundation they need to navigate this change. The above advice is general and may not be applicable to your family. Before having this life altering conversation with your children, it is best to consult a professional who knows your family dynamic.

Shoshana Goldstein-Nissenbaum, Toenet Rabbanit and Mediator, has a wealth of knowledge on how to navigate the difficulties and transitions of divorce. With years of experience guiding families through complex and emotional challenges, she offers more than just advocacy or mediation—she provides a compassionate, strategic approach to help parents and children build resilience and stability during this transition. Her work extends beyond legal and halachic expertise—she helps families create lasting, peaceful co-parenting structures that support children’s emotional well-being.

She helps parents create sustainable co-parenting plans, develop healthy communication, and build a strong foundation for their children’s emotional security. If you are navigating divorce and need guidance, support, or mediation, reach out for expert advice and practical solutions tailored to your family’s needs.

Peace begins with a plan. Schedule a consultation today to get the structure you and your children need.

“The way parents handle divorce will shape how their children view relationships and trust in the future.” – Dr. Judith Wallerstein, Psychologist.

The post GUIDEBOOK: HOW TO TELL YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT DIVORCE first appeared on .

You may find yourself cleaning an entire home alone, preparing for a seder without a partner, or facing the pain of not being with your children for the chag. Whether you have your kids with you for all of Pesach, just part of it, or not at all, this guide is here to support you. You are not alone.

1. Yes—This Is Hard. And That’s Okay.

Let’s begin by acknowledging a brutal truth: preparing for Pesach as a single parent is exhausting—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Cleaning the house while managing children, cooking for Yom Tov without assistance, and feeling the weight of responsibility on your shoulders can evoke genuine grief. You might miss the way Pesach “used to be” or grieve the dreams you had for what this time would look like.

If your children are with your ex for the Seder, you may be battling feelings of loneliness or sadness. If they’re with you, you might feel pressure to “make it magical” all by yourself. Either way, permit yourself to feel. This holiday is about transformation and redemption—there is space for both your pain and your growth.

2. Double-check the Schedule with Your Ex Now

The sooner you clarify the holiday schedule with your co-parent, the smoother Pesach will be for everyone—especially the kids.

Ask yourselves:

• Have we agreed on exact dates and times for custody exchanges before, during, and after Pesach?
• Is the kaytana (holiday camp) registered and paid for?
• Who is picking up or dropping off the kids—and from where?
• Are both parents aligned on school closing days, early dismissals, or Chol HaMoed plans?

Utilize tools such as shared Google Calendars, WhatsApp messages, or a written agreement. Don’t rely on memory—Pesach is too busy for that. You can order my custody care magnetic board to help your children manage and navigate all the changes in their schedules.

Each day of the holiday should be mapped out in advance:

• Where are the children spending each day of Chol HaMoed?
• What time are they transitioning from one parent to the other?
• Who is driving? Who is picking up? Who is responsible for car seats, snacks, clothing, or medications?

These transitions go more smoothly when children are aware of the plan and aren’t caught off guard. Especially for younger kids, knowing what to expect creates emotional safety.

As Pesach approaches, kids may need new clothing or shoes. Decide ahead of time:

• Who is responsible for buying new clothing?
• Will the cost be shared?
• Do both homes have enough Yom Tov and weekday outfits?

Ideally, each home should have its own set of essentials, including pajamas, shoes, Yom Tov clothing, socks, toothbrushes, and other necessary items. When children feel like they “live” in both homes—not like they’re “visiting”—they feel more grounded.

5. Older Kids Making Plans with Friends: Who’s Paying?

Teens and older kids often want to make their own Chol HaMoed plans—day trips with friends, movies, bowling, hikes.

That’s normal and healthy, but it also comes with practical questions:

• What’s the budget?
• Who is covering the costs of tickets, food, and transportation?
• Is the other parent informed and in agreement?

If both parents are contributing, it’s helpful to define limits ahead of time to avoid surprise expenses or tension.

This year, Pesach begins right after Shabbat, which creates some scheduling complications.

If it’s your turn to have the kids for Pesach, keep in mind:

• You may be getting them earlier to include Shabbat—and that’s an extra day of parenting.
• Is that additional Shabbat being “made up” later on?
• What about the Shabbat after Pesach—whom do the children then have?

Even if you have a standing agreement (e.g., alternating years), it’s worth checking whether these “bonus” Shabbatot need to be adjusted or made up. It’s better to clarify now than argue during the holiday.

7. Staying Connected on Seder Night—Even When Apart

For many parents, the most challenging part of Passover is not being with their children on the Seder night.

If that’s your situation, make space for connection:

• Arrange a phone or video call with your co-parent for the children before Chag begins, ideally on Friday afternoon before candle lighting.
• Let your child sing the Ma Nishtana or share a dvar Torah.
• If they’re too young for a call, ask your ex to record a video in advance and send it to you.

This tiny gesture can mean the world—to the parent and the child.

8. Clothing Transfers: Handle with Clarity and Respect

In some families, one parent has the children for the entire chag. If the other parent is sending clothing, it’s essential to treat the process with care:

• Make a detailed list of what is being sent.
• Agree that all clothing will be returned washed and in good condition.
• Communicate about expensive or sentimental items (e.g., dress shoes, jewelry, tallit katan, etc.).

Sample Clothing Transfer List:

• 3 Yom Tov outfits
• 1 Pair of dress shoes
• 1 Light jacket
• 1 Pajama set
• 8 Undergarments
• 8 Pairs of socks
• 1 Pair of shoes for trips
• 1 Sweater

Always include this list in the bag and keep a photo for reference. Mutual respect helps avoid tension and confusion later.

1. Simplify your menu. You don’t need six mains and five desserts. Focus on what you and your kids will enjoy.
2. Invite supportive guests—or keep it small. A warm, low-pressure atmosphere is ideal.
3. Use a child-friendly Haggadah. Let the kids help choose it in advance.
4. Tell personal stories. Share your own “Exodus moments”—times when you found courage and hope.
5. Involve your kids in the prep. Let them fold napkins, decorate place cards, or choose a song to teach.
6. Start a new tradition. A Pesach song, a dance break, or a gratitude circle.
7. permit yourself to skip. You can pause, shorten, or adapt as needed.
8. Prep as much as you can early. Erev chag is stressful. Try to cook and clean ahead of time.
9. Bless yourself. Before candle lighting, take a moment just for you. You’re holding so much—Hashem sees it.
10. Clarify the Halacha. Don’t overdo the cleaning; ask what needs to be cleaned for Pesach and skip the rest.

10 Tips for a Single Parent Spending Seder Night Alone

1. Acknowledge the grief. It’s real. You don’t need to “get over it.” You need to get through it.
2. Don’t stay silent. Let a friend, mentor, or rabbi know you’re alone—they may invite you in.
3. If you decline invitations, create a ritual. Light candles, read from the Haggadah and make it sacred.
4. Write a letter to your child. Tell them what you miss, what you hope, what you love.
5. Do a chesed. Deliver food to someone in need or send flowers to another single parent.
6. Avoid social media. Protect your heart from everyone’s “perfect” holiday photos.
7. Make something beautiful. Set the table for one—light candles. Wear something you love.
8. Plan a connection point. Choose a time after Chag when you can celebrate together—even if it’s just a symbolic one. You could make a Pesach Sheini seder. Your kids won’t pass up the opportunity for another afikomen present.
9. Hold on to hope. Redemption didn’t happen all at once—it came step by step. Yours will, too.
10. Reach out to others. The best cure for loneliness is chesed and compassion for others. Find others who need you, who you can provide for them a seder. Volunteer and fill the void.

Final Thoughts

Pesach is not just about leaving Egypt—it’s about walking forward through the wilderness with faith. As a single parent, you embody the very essence of that journey.

You are cleaning, cooking, scheduling, and stretching your heart across two homes. You’re creating space for your children to thrive, even in a fractured world. You are not broken—you are breaking through.

This year, may your Pesach be filled with peace, purpose, and a sense of your inner redemption.

Support and Guidance for Family Matters

Shoshie Goldstein-Nissenbaum, toenet rabbanit and mediator, offers compassionate guidance and legal support to help you navigate custody, communication, and emotional challenges with clarity and care.

For support or to schedule a consultation:
SGN@TOENET.COM | https://toenet.com/contact/

The post Pesach for Single Parents: A Guide to Sanity, Scheduling, and Seder Night first appeared on .

People often say, “We’ll deal with it in courts.” But litigation has a price, and not just financial. Time, mental bandwidth, friendships, health, and even the safety of your children’s emotional development are all at stake. High-conflict divorces do not have a single battlefield, rather they operate on multiple fronts. Every area of your life becomes one.

Before diving into solutions, let’s clarify what a messy divorce actually looks like.

A messy divorce involves:

• Endless court apparencies
• Custody battles fueled by resentment
• Accusations and mud slinging
• Lawyers racking up billable hours while progress crawls

It’s no different from war. And like war, even if you win, you still lose something vital.

1. Legal Fees That Add Up Fast

Divorce legal costs spiral fast when both parties gear up for battle. In Israel, a high-conflict divorce can cost each party anywhere between ₪50,000 and ₪300,000. These numbers aren’t limited to the privileged or wealthy. Average couples find themselves drained by:

Attorney retainers that need to be renewed. Court filing fees that vary but accumulate with every step. Custody evaluations conducted by social workers or psychologists. Expert witnesses brought in to testify on parenting, assets, or abuse claims.

It doesn’t take long for these to snowball. Some couples find themselves selling property or liquidating savings to keep up with the demands of a litigated divorce. That is without counting the emotional currency spent, which often rivals the monetary figure.

In stark contrast, mediation divides the cost between both parties. The typical cost for a full divorce mediation process in Israel ranges from ₪15,000 to ₪80,000 in total. Mediation not only saves money, it saves time. While litigation may take years, mediation is usually resolved in six months or less.

With financial pressures in a high-conflict divorce already immense, why add more? Peaceful resolutions are possible—and far less costly.Divorce legal costs spiral fast when both parties gear up for battle. In Israel, a high-conflict divorce can cost each party anywhere between ₪50,000 and ₪300,000. These numbers aren’t limited to the privileged or wealthy. Average couples find themselves drained by:

Attorney retainers that need to be renewed. Court filing fees that vary but accumulate with every step. Custody evaluations conducted by social workers or psychologists. Expert witnesses brought in to testify on parenting, assets, or abuse claims.

It doesn’t take long for these to snowball. Some couples find themselves selling property or liquidating savings to keep up with the demands of a litigated divorce. That is without counting the emotional currency spent, which often rivals the monetary figure.

In stark contrast, mediation divides the cost between both parties. The typical cost for a full divorce mediation process in Israel ranges from ₪15,000 to ₪80,000 in total. Mediation not only saves money, it saves time. While litigation may take years, mediation is usually resolved in six months or less.

With financial pressures in a high-conflict divorce already immense, why add more? Peaceful resolutions are possible—and far less costly.

2. Emotional Costs: Stress, Anxiety, and Burnout

The emotional toll of divorce cannot be overstated. When conflict escalates, your nervous system enters survival mode. What follows is chronic stress—sleepless nights, tension headaches, panic attacks, and emotional burnout.

People often report feeling like they’re being pulled in every direction. You’re grieving a relationship, attending court hearings, managing daily responsibilities, and trying to survive emotionally.

Therapists treating individuals in the midst of messy divorces note high rates of depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress symptoms. These emotional effects ripple into your parenting, your work, and your ability to think clearly.

Mediation offers a less adversarial, more humane alternative. It focuses on problem-solving, not finger-pointing. The sessions are designed to de-escalate, to humanize, and to find common ground. Instead of letters full of legal threats, you find structured dialogue and measured compromise.

It doesn’t erase the pain of separation, but it shields you from additional trauma.

3. The Damage to Your Children

Children do not need to hear the words to feel the war. High-conflict divorce impacts children in ways both visible and hidden. It can:

Disrupt sleep routines and cause nightmares. Lower academic performance. Trigger attachment issues. Create trust problems that follow them into adulthood.

Studies from Tel Aviv University and the Israeli Ministry of Social Affairs found that children exposed to ongoing parental litigation were twice as likely to experience behavioral and emotional issues. This is particularly true in households where both parents remain physically present but emotionally at odds.

Even if custody hearings happen behind closed doors, the emotional atmosphere is thick. Children hear the tension. They observe changes in parental moods. And they internalize a deep sense of insecurity.

Mediation helps parents create cooperative parenting plans in a controlled and respectful environment. That cooperation is often the single most important factor in determining how well children adjust to divorce.

You’re not only deciding how to end a marriage. You’re deciding what kind of future your child will walk into.

4. Lost Productivity and Career Setbacks

How divorce affects work is often invisible at first. But over time, the signs show up. Missed meetings. Reduced performance. Declined promotions. Poor concentration.

People report feeling like they’re working while underwater—functioning, but barely. Employers notice. Teams compensate. Careers stall. Business owners find their companies suffering under the weight of personal chaos.

One Tel Aviv-based entrepreneur explained, “I postponed a funding round for six months because I couldn’t focus. My divorce consumed everything.”

Add to that the time spent attending hearings, filing paperwork, and meeting lawyers. You might burn through vacation days, or even face job insecurity.

Divorce mediation keeps you out of court and allows for flexible scheduling. It reduces missed work and mental fatigue. You can stay focused on rebuilding, rather than constantly reacting to legal emergencies.

5. Frozen Finances and Delayed Decisions

During a high-conflict divorce, you may face:

Frozen joint accounts. Court-ordered restrictions on spending. Delays in property settlements. Uncertainty around debt obligations.

You might want to rent a new place or change jobs, but legal proceedings delay everything. Some people report being in limbo for over two years—unable to move forward, invest, or even make decisions about their own possessions.

This kind of financial paralysis prevents healing. It traps people in an in-between life where every choice is on hold.

Mediation speeds up these decisions. Rather than wait for court availability, you and your spouse can negotiate terms in weeks, not years. Agreements can be reached and implemented in a structured, legally binding format.

If time is money, mediation gives you both.

6. Broken Relationships Beyond the Marriage

When a marriage ends in chaos, it sends ripples through your entire social world. Friends may take sides. Relatives might withdraw. Community members—whether religious, school-based, or cultural—often grow distant.

People begin to feel isolated. Invitations stop arriving. Whispered conversations become common. You may feel judged, misunderstood, or alienated.

It’s one of the most painful but least discussed parts of high-conflict divorce: the social cost.

Mediation reduces this fallout. It invites mutual dignity. It minimizes public scenes. Even if the breakup is known, the respect with which it is handled shapes how others respond.

Communities support maturity. They honor grace. Mediation preserves the opportunity for both parties to remain part of the social fabric—even if that fabric shifts.

7. Co-Parenting Becomes a Battlefield

Without structure, co-parenting devolves into a war zone. You argue over drop-offs, schedules, school events, holidays, and even minor decisions like bedtime.

Every choice becomes another front in the conflict. Communication disintegrates. The children become messengers or witnesses.

When things become unmanageable, courts may step in and appoint a parental coordinator—a professional who makes decisions for your family. These coordinators charge by the hour and are often necessary in the most broken co-parenting situations.

No parent dreams of having a stranger decide what is best for their child. But that becomes reality when litigation turns parenting into a battle.

In mediation, parents build structured parenting plans that anticipate and resolve conflict before it happens. These plans include:

• Holidays
• Education
• Religious practices
• Medical decisions
• Communication rules

That clarity protects your children from becoming collateral damage.

8. Emotional Baggage That Lasts Years

The legal end of a divorce rarely marks the true conclusion. In high-conflict cases, the emotional residue clings for years—sometimes decades. People often carry bitterness that resurfaces during milestones like birthdays or graduations. They experience guilt over past choices, especially regarding their children. And many develop deep fear when entering new relationships, convinced they’ll repeat past patterns or get hurt again.

This lingering emotional baggage becomes a lens through which everything else is viewed—parenting, dating, friendships, and even personal growth. It affects how people trust, how they communicate, and how they connect. For some, it leads to anxiety, insomnia, or depression that no longer seems connected to the original divorce but still dominates their lives.

Children are not immune. They feel the undercurrents of tension even years later. New spouses sometimes feel sidelined, competing with ghosts of conflict that should have been resolved long ago.

Mediation, unlike litigation, builds closure into its process. It focuses on resolving—not punishing. The goal is not to “win” but to leave the relationship with clarity, boundaries, and dignity. When handled with respect, the divorce becomes a chapter—not the entire book. Mediation offers a chance to move forward without dragging the battlefield behind.

9. The Money You Could Have Saved

Now imagine having that ₪100,000 or ₪200,000 back in your account. What would you do with it? You could fund your child’s university tuition, put a down payment on a new apartment, or finally launch that business you’ve been dreaming about. Maybe you’d use it to cover therapy, take a break to regroup, or simply create a cushion of stability as you begin this next chapter.

Every shekel spent on litigation is a shekel taken from your future. The cost of a contentious divorce doesn’t just hit your wallet—it impacts your emotional well-being, your ability to parent, your ability to move forward.

Divorce mediation typically costs a fraction—often as little as one-tenth—of what courtroom battles demand. That difference could be the start of your new life. Mediation allows you to keep more of your resources for what truly matters: healing, rebuilding, and making choices rooted in clarity, not conflict.

Choosing mediation doesn’t mean the pain disappears. It means you’re choosing to stop pouring money into the fight—and start investing in your recovery. You get to walk away with more than just legal closure. You walk away with options.

What’s the Alternative? Choose Mediation, Choose Peace.

Mediation is not surrender. It is strategy. It is structure. It is respect.

The benefits of divorce mediation include:

• Lower financial costs
• Faster case resolution
• Privacy from public hearings
• Healthier parenting frameworks
• Stronger emotional outcomes for all parties

You still have rights. You still protect your interests. But you do so with your sanity, your dignity, and your community intact.

About Me

I’m Shoshie Goldstein-Nissenbaum, a Toenet Rabbanit and experienced divorce mediator. I have spent years inside the Beit Din system, guiding individuals and families through some of the most painful and complex transitions of their lives.

I bring both deep halachic knowledge and a clear understanding of emotional nuance to each case. I specialize in high-conflict situations, where clarity, compassion, and steady guidance are essential.

I help my clients: 

• Avoid the financial and emotional cost of litigation
• Minimize long-term damage for themselves and their children
• Create realistic, sustainable parenting agreements
• Navigate both halachic and legal systems with respect and care

You do not have to go through this alone. And you do not have to destroy each other to separate. With the right approach, divorce can be handled with dignity, empathy, and a vision for a better future.

Ready to Save Your Sanity?

You don’t have to go to war to end your marriage. Even if things feel overwhelming or already out of control, it’s not too late to choose a different path.

There is a way forward that protects your dignity, your children, and your future.

If you are ready for a conversation grounded in care and clarity, I am here.

Reach out when you’re ready. Let’s talk.

The post The Hidden Costs of a Messy Divorce (And How to Avoid Them) first appeared on .

From securing justice for agunot to facilitating financial stability and reconciliation, the impact of this work continues to grow. Below, you’ll find an in-depth review of key achievements, insights, and lessons learned.

Moving forward, the commitment to justice, dignity, and stability remains unwavering. Whether through legal advocacy, mediation, or community support, the goal is to continue creating meaningful change for those in need.

Thank you to everyone who contributed to this journey—clients, colleagues, and supporters. Your trust and collaboration make this work possible.

For consultations or inquiries, feel free to reach out at SGN@TOENET.COM or visit www.toenet.com

The post Reflections and Achievements 2024: A Year of Advocacy, Mediation, and Empowerment first appeared on .

Prepare Yourself Mentally

Divorce is not just a legal process; it is an emotional and psychological upheaval. To manage this effectively:

Create a Support System: Surround yourself with trusted friends, family, or a therapist who understands the dynamics of high-conflict divorces. Regular check-ins with this support network can provide the emotional stability you need. This doesn’t mean you share your story or private information with the people in your support system, nor do you take advice from non-professionals.

Practice Mindfulness and Meditation: Dedicate time daily to mindfulness practices. Guided apps like Headspace or Calm can help you manage stress and focus.

Journal Regularly: Writing down your thoughts and emotions can help you process complex feelings and clarify your goals.

Seek Professional Counseling: Engage a therapist who specializes in high-conflict divorce and narcissistic relationships. They can offer tailored strategies to manage your specific challenges.

By grounding yourself mentally, you set the tone for constructive decision-making and healthier interactions during mediation or court proceedings.

Educate Yourself About Narcissism

Understanding the traits and tactics of a narcissist can be a game-changer. Knowledge equips you to anticipate their moves and protect yourself effectively:

Read Authoritative Books: Resources like Disarming the Narcissist by Wendy T. Behary or The Narcissist You Know by Joseph Burgo provide deep insights.

Attend Webinars and Courses: Experts such as Dr. Ramani Durvasula  or Danish Bashir offer valuable guidance through online resources.

Join Support Groups: Connecting with others in similar situations can be a source of emotional validation and practical advice.

Record Patterns: Maintain a detailed log of the narcissist’s behaviors, which can be invaluable in court or mediation settings.

Education helps you stay detached and objective, minimizing the emotional toll of their manipulations.

 Set Clear Boundaries

Boundaries are essential when dealing with a narcissistic ex. Without them, you risk being drawn into endless conflict:

Communicate Explicitly: Clearly outline your boundaries in writing. For instance, limit discussions to parenting-related matters and use documented communication platforms like emails or parenting apps.

Practice Saying “No”: Rehearse asserting your boundaries politely but firmly.

Develop Scripts: Prepare responses to predictable situations, ensuring consistency in your reactions.

Remember, setting boundaries is not about controlling the other person but protecting your own peace of mind.

 Stay Calm

Narcissists thrive on creating chaos and eliciting emotional reactions. Maintaining your composure is your most powerful defense:

Practice Deep Breathing: Techniques like the 4-7-8 method (inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7, exhale for 8) can quickly reduce stress.  Breathwork has been a game changer for me.

Engage in Regular Exercise: Physical activity such as walking or yoga helps release pent-up tension.

Create a Calm Environment: Before critical meetings or mediation sessions, prepare a serene space with calming scents, soft lighting, and minimal distractions.

Use Affirmations: Repeat mantras like “I can do this” or “This will pass”  to reinforce your emotional resilience.

Staying calm allows you to make rational decisions and avoid giving the narcissist the reactions they seek.

Don’t Engage in Their Games

Narcissists often employ manipulation tactics to provoke or derail you. Avoid playing into their hands by:

Staying Fact-Focused: Keep discussions centered on objective, verifiable information.

Using the Gray Rock Method: Minimize emotional engagement by being as neutral and unresponsive as possible.

Limiting Interactions: Only communicate during scheduled sessions or through mediators.

Preparing Responses: Anticipate manipulative tactics and rehearse calm, concise replies.

Seeking Third-party Oversight: Involve a mediator or legal professional to ensure interactions remain constructive.

By not engaging, you deny the narcissist the control they crave and maintain your focus on what truly matters.

Counter-parenting can wreak havoc on children if not managed carefully. Your role as the stable parent is critical:

Maintain Consistency: Provide a predictable routine for your children to foster a sense of security.

Validate Their Feelings: Create a safe space for your children to express their emotions without fear of judgment.

Shield Them from Conflict: Avoid speaking negatively about the other parent in their presence.

Seek Professional Help: Engage a child psychologist who can help your children process the challenges of a high-conflict divorce.

Your children’s well-being should always take precedence, serving as a guiding principle in all your decisions.

Post-divorce life often presents its own set of challenges, particularly when co-parenting is impossible:

Develop a Communication Plan: Use apps like OurFamilyWizard to streamline necessary interactions and minimize direct contact. This minimizes contact and reduces the narcissists’ ability to be in contact with you.

Focus on Your Goals: Invest time in personal growth, career development, or hobbies that bring you fulfillment.

Secure Financial Independence: Work with a financial advisor to create a sustainable post-divorce budget. One of the first things I do with a client is analyze their financial standing, check if they qualify for any government assistance and create a post-divorce realistic and sustainable budget.

Stay Informed: Continue educating yourself about legal updates and resources available to single parents. There are many discounts given to single parents and government grants. It is important that your divorce agreement is written in a way that awards you the right to claim these grants.

A proactive approach ensures you remain in control of your new life chapter.

Seek Professional Guidance

Navigating high-conflict divorces requires specialized expertise. As a to’enet rabbanit and mediator, I offer:

Comprehensive Legal Support: Helping you understand your rights and obligations within the framework of halacha and civil law, both in the divorce process and with  post-divorce complications.

Tailored Mediation Services: Facilitating productive discussions to resolve disputes amicably whenever possible.

Emotional and Practical Strategies: Guiding you through every step of the process with empathy and actionable advice.

Education: Educating you on the process of divorce and the legal system. Helping you receive any government and NGO funding you are eligible for.   

No one should have to face these challenges alone. Professional support can make all the difference in achieving a fair and dignified outcome.

Divorce is undoubtedly one of life’s most demanding experiences, especially when counter-parenting complicates co-parenting. Yet, with preparation, resilience, and the right guidance, you can navigate these challenges effectively. Remember, you are not alone. My podcasts on YouTube provide further insights and support, and I invite you to join me at the Divorcing with Dignity Conference on January 28, 2025, in Jerusalem. Together, we can transform adversity into an opportunity for growth and healing.

The post When co-parenting is not an option first appeared on .

Narcissists are often skilled at disguising their manipulation with spiritually charged language, using religious principles to avoid accountability and shift blame. They can appear pious while engaging in behaviors that contradict true Torah values. Perhaps you have encountered someone who outwardly appears devout, yet their actions leave you feeling confused, guilty, or silenced. This article will explore the most common spiritually manipulative phrase used by narcissists and provide a Torah-based approach to addressing such behavior.

The Manipulative Mindset

A narcissist inherently believes that any issue in a relationship stems from the other person’s flaws, not their own. They view themselves as beyond reproach and will deflect responsibility, making any conflict about your perceived shortcomings rather than their actions. Engaging with such individuals can be emotionally exhausting and spiritually damaging.

The Cloaked Language of Manipulation

It is important to note that not everyone who uses certain phrases is necessarily manipulative. Sometimes, spiritual language can be used sincerely and with good intent. However, when such statements are used repeatedly to silence concerns, invalidate feelings, or avoid accountability, it becomes a pattern of manipulation.

• The most common manipulative phrase is:
• “If you’re feeling hurt, perhaps Hashem is showing you something in your heart that needs fixing.”
• Other variations include:
• “The Torah teaches us to examine ourselves first—maybe this conflict is more about your middot than about my actions.”
• “The yetzer hara might be trying to cause division between us—perhaps you need to check where you are letting it in.”

Why Are These Statements So Harmful?

1.  Deflection of Responsibility – Redirects focus to supposed flaws instead of addressing the real issue.
2. Spiritual Gaslighting – Causes you to question whether your feelings and observations are valid.
3. Silencing Concerns – Discourages you from raising concerns, leaving manipulative behavior unchecked.

What Does a Torah-True Response Look Like?

A response rooted in Torah values is characterized by humility, accountability, and a sincere desire for peace. For example: ‘If I have done something to hurt you, please let me know so I can correct it.’

A Biblical Example: Natan Hanavi and King David

When Natan Hanavi confronted King David about his sins involving Batsheva and Uriah (Shmuel Bet 12), David did not deflect blame or attempt to silence Natan. Instead, he responded with humility and sincere teshuva, saying: ‘Chatati la’Hashem’ (I have sinned against Hashem).

The Emotional Trap of Narcissistic Relationships

As a to’enet rabbanit and divorce mediator, I have seen firsthand how this kind of manipulative behavior traps people in toxic relationships. The spiritual and emotional confusion created by these tactics can make it incredibly difficult to leave.

Living with a narcissist like this is a slow emotional and spiritual death. Day by day, your confidence, clarity, and sense of self erode. The relationship leaves you questioning your worth and drowning in despair, all while the narcissist maintains a facade of righteousness.

Practical Steps to Overcome Spiritual Manipulation

1. Seek Hashem’s Guidance – Pray for clarity and strength.
2. Identify Patterns – Write down specific examples.
3. Address Issues Directly – Point out patterns respectfully.
4. Anchor Yourself in Torah Truths – Focus on verses like ‘Tzedek tzedek tirdof’ and ‘Lo tisna et achicha bilvavecha.’
5. Set Boundaries – Protect your emotional and spiritual well-being.
6. Evaluate Relationships – Consider whether distance is necessary.

Conclusion: Living in Truth and Shalom

Hashem desires us to live in peace and truth, not under the burden of manipulation and control. By anchoring ourselves in Torah values, prayer, and community support, we can navigate difficult relationships with wisdom and strength.

To learn more about these topics, follow my podcasts on YouTube and join our Divorcing with Dignity Conference in Jerusalem on January 28, 2025.

The post Recognizing Spiritual Manipulation in Relationships: A Torah Perspective first appeared on .