In my opinion, every couple about to be married and every couple already married should talk about a prenup or a postnup agreement. With a divorce rate of over 50% in the non-Jewish world and our own divorce rate creeping closer to that eye opening number, the assumption that a marriage in our communities will last a lifetime, is no longer a given.

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Back in 2017, Dr. Yitzchak Schechter (a clinical psychologist and director of the Center for Applied Psychology at Bikur Cholim in Monsey, New York) suggested that the divorce rate amongst Orthodox Americans was around 10%. More recent studies show a rise to almost 30% of Jewish Marriages in the last 6 years.

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You’ve found the person you want to share your future with. Your life goals and dreams align. You’re imagining what life will be like and it’s a beautiful, romantic picture. Is now the time to talk about a prenup agreement?

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The next step is to plan your wedding. Many hours will be spent deciding on a venue, food, the flowers and of course…….. the dress. You and your chosen life partner will choose a place to live and begin making it a home. There are lot’s of decisions to make! Is now the time to talk about a prenup agreement?

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Sure it’s stressful. But it’s also fun and exciting. You’re in the middle of one of the best times of your life when you trust, support and love each other and only want the best for each other.  So, now is the perfect time to talk about a prenup agreement and all the hard stuff.

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The Hard Stuff (Money)

In the majority of the marriage breakdowns I mediate and litigate, there is one issue that figures prominently. You guessed it: money.

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Money issues in a marriage are not only limited to making ends meet each month or dealing with debt. If one of you receives an inheritance does it belong to both of you? Do you jointly own a property one of you purchased before your marriage? Do you have your own, private bank accounts as well as a joint one?

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We are all hugely influenced by our upbringing and previous life experiences. So, each of you may have a fundamentally different way of relating to money, using credit cards, and spending in general, than the person you’re about to marry. Whether you have a lot of money or a little, these differences can put tremendous strain on a marriage. And if you add the lack of communication skills needed to discuss the financial problems calmly and rationally, you’re inviting trouble.

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When you have an open conversation about your finances before getting married, you are setting a strong foundation for a lifetime of love and understanding. Being open and clear about your financial expectations can be a tremendous asset, allowing you to proactively address any challenges that may arise as you build your life together.

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More Hard Stuff (Possible Get Refusal)

We hear about them all the time: Agunot, women who’s husbands have refused to give them their Get (halachic divorce), and who are prevented from remarrying or moving forward with their lives. Incidentally, there are also many cases where wives have refused to accept a Get, making their husbands agunim. Although this occurs with much less frequency it is just as damaging to the husbands who must live a life in limbo.

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Many people don’t realize that Get refusal is not a new challenge for Am Yisroel. The idea of a prenup was not born in this century. Chazal created the ketubah (which is a prenup), in order to protect women from situations where their husbands might divorce them and leave them with nothing. The whole idea of a ketubah obligates a man in terms of the way he acts towards his wife and his financial support for her both during their marriage and if the marriage should end.

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Not-with-standing the existence of the ketubah, halachic authorities of every generation have grappled with trying to find an halachically acceptable means to permit agunot to remarry. In the past, most agunah cases occurred when there was either no clear evidence that a missing husband had died, or when a husband had become mentally ill and was unable to fulfill his obligations to his wife. Of course in modern times agunot are mostly created by husbands withholding a Get out of vindictiveness or in order to get a financially better divorce settlement. In my opinion (and those of many prominent rabbaim and mental health professionals) this behavior is a form of abuse.

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Halachic Prenup

When you go to the marriage registry in Israel, you’ll be asked if you have a prenup. If not, they will highly recommend that you make one.

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In certain circles an halachic prenup has become mainstream. There are some rabbis who insist a couple has a prenup before he marries them. There are some who will not officiate a second marriage without one.

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If you do not have a prenup and you are divorcing, by default the dissolution of your marriage will be done according to the law which defines money and relationships. It’s a complicated and demanding process, both financially and emotionally. A far easier way is to face this challenge with a prenup in hand.

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Who Should Consider a Postnup Agreement?

A postnuptial agreement (“postnup”) is drawn up by couple’s attorney, after they have already been married. It can be signed days, weeks, months, or even years after they’ve said their vows. Who should consider a postnup agreement?

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Happily Married

A happy couple who has been married for some time, whether they have a prenup or not, will certainly be dealing with life circumstances they hadn’t anticipated. Maybe they have become parents and want to make sure they agree on future care and provision for their kids in the unlikely case of a divorce. Maybe one of them is about to receive a surprise inheritance. They may decide they want to take a look at the changing elements of their life and address the challenges they currently have.

 

A couple who is happily married and doesn’t have a prenup may decide to write a postnup agreement. It includes the same details as a prenup, determining the ownership of your financial assets and debts and how you would handle inheritances. And depending on how long you wait before writing a postnup, it may also include responsibilities surrounding any children you may have.

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The Time to Talk About a Prenup Agreement is Now

In my experience, both prenuptial and postnuptial agreements encourage open communication which is a must for a healthy marriage. Having those difficult discussions when you’re in love and feeling trust for your future or current spouse, helps contribute to greater long-term marital stability.