In the following true stories, just before all the hopes and dreams of these couples were buried, I heard a small, faint chime that indicated their marriages were still alive.
People are complex, and life can be complicated. This complexity shows up in all our relationships, particularly within marriage. Take two complex people, introduce a challenging situation, and frequently, you find an unsatisfying or unhappy marriage – or worse, two people living in a war zone in a constant cycle of escalating conflict.
As a Toenet Rabbanit and mediator (someone who represents clients in family law, exclusively before the Rabbinic Courts, similar to the role of a lawyer in court) I see the results of the above on a daily basis. Clients who come to me are at the point of no return. The situation, often no one’s fault, has come to such a critical stage that there is no going back and divorce is inevitable.
Couples in the frum world are very hesitant to get divorced. In conversations we hear about the rising divorce rate and how terrible it is that people don’t make more of an effort, but the reality is very different. Most couples divorce as a last resort. Many of my clients have stayed unhappily married for years (20-30+!) because they don’t want to divorce. They’re afraid of the impact on the children, even the adult children. Or financially it’s not an option. They are paralyzed by what society will say about them and fear rejection. Almost all my clients think that divorce is a bad thing, even those in severely abusive marriages.
After a client makes the final decision to divorce, they have a few options for moving forward. Part of the intake session includes a discussion of their goals for the divorce, how to avoid falling into vindictiveness and spite, and how to stay true to themselves. We then discuss the various options. Among them, are classic litigation, (which is a whole new level of purgatory), or utilizing one of the various methods of mediation. Mediation is no walk in the park, but it is less traumatic than litigation.
I always try to mediate whenever possible. It’s a much softer crash landing. In the many mediations I have done, surprisingly, I have had about a dozen couples change course during or after the process. Instead of putting “Beit Din” in WAZE they go for “Marriage Counseling” or “Try Again”! Mediation facilitated the “tichyas hamesim” of their marriage.
We have all heard the story of Rabbi Chanina ben Dosa’s daughter (Ta’anit 24b) who had a mishap with her candles on Erev Shabbos. She accidentally used vinegar instead of oil and ran to her holy father to ask him how she could fix the dilemma. Rabbi Eliyahu, zt”l, Chief Rabbi of Israel, uses a cryptic explanation from the Maharshal. The Maharshal writes, “When lighting Shabbos candles, one should pray for shalom bayis and success with chinuch habanim.” Rabbi Eliyahu explains that Rabbi Chanina ben Dosa’s daughter was convinced she had “soured” (from the word “chometz” – vinegar) her marriage or her chinuch habanim. Rabbi Chanina told her, “What do you care? The One who decreed that oil should burn can also decree that vinegar should burn.” He told his daughter not to give up, because HaKadosh Baruch Hu can bring peace to a home even if you think you have destroyed all possibilities. Do your part and bring your light, and HaKadosh Baruch Hu will do His.
I find this story so moving and have even gone so far as to visit the grave of Rabbi Chanina and his daughter (not recommended – it is in an Arab village that is no longer friendly) to pray for the emunah to believe that if I think I can destroy something, I can certainly fix it.
There is an urban legend that explains the phrase “saved by the bell.” It tells of the custom of placing a bell in the coffin with the deceased. If the buried person isn’t dead after all, he can ring the bell and be saved from being buried alive.
In the following true stories, just before the marriage and all the hopes and dreams of the couples were buried, I heard a bell. A small faint sound that indicated the marriage was still alive. These stories are true accounts of marriages that have risen from the dead. (Details have been changed so I won’t be sued for breach of privilege.)
AVI & SURY
AVI
Sury and I started out so well. Neither of us grew up in a very healthy home and we wanted our home to be better. But after fifteen years, our marriage is crumbling; in the last three years, we’ve even separated a few times. One major issue is that Sury’s addicted to her phone. She basically ignores me and the kids. And, she’s irresponsible with money, buying things we don’t need and can’t afford. I feel badly for her because I know her issues come from childhood trauma. She’s been seeing a therapist but I think she spends more time trying to figure out how to fix what she thinks is wrong with me, than dealing with her own issues. I can’t live this way anymore and I want a divorce. I reach out to Shoshie for mediation. She suggests that Sury and I set up an appointment with her together to try and work out a divorce agreement.
SURY
I know Avi spoke to Shoshie first and I want to make sure she gets to hear ‘my side’ during this meeting. We went into our marriage determined to build a better life than either of us had growing up. But our marriage has fallen apart. I tell Shoshie that Avi’s childhood trauma and his narcissistic tendencies are what’s causing all the problems we have now. I wish the therapist he’s been seeing would help him deal with all his issues. I’m really suffering and so are the kids. Shoshie is very sympathetic but she keeps steering the conversation back to the practical issues we have to work out in a divorce agreement.
SHOSHIE
Once a couple has decided that they want a divorce, I encourage them to focus on resolving the issues pertaining to how their family will function during and after divorce. Mediation isn’t therapy, or a courtroom. There’s no judgment, no accusations, just practical problem solving.
At Avi and Sury’s first joint meeting, neither one was interested in talking about solutions. We couldn’t move forward because every subject was a trigger. I’m used to couples being triggered by the issues of custody, child support, paying the ketubah, division of assets etc. But most can still maintain some type of focused conversation. Not these two.
I began with something that is usually just a box to check off, agreeing that the children continue to learn in the same educational institutions. A volcano erupted, and accusations flew back and forth about each other’s chinuch failures. I was getting frustrated. After they argued for 20 minutes, I put it to them straight.
“Chevra, I am not a therapist, I can’t help you solve any of the problems you’ve brought up. But what I can do is to help you come up with a divorce agreement with boundaries that guide the interactions between you and give you some level of stability in an unstable situation. You can continue this mudslinging, but I’ll remind you that these sessions are costing you money you don’t have. So, if that’s what you want, I will go get my popcorn, put my feet up and watch.” That got their attention. I’m not sure if it was the money or the popcorn, but they started answering my questions and we got a few minutes of work done.
Unfortunately, the disparaging comments began again. I told them they had three choices: go get lawyers and battle it out in court, try individual sessions to get closer to an agreement, or stay married and live miserably ever after. They choose separate sessions.
AVI
Shoshie asks me to do an exercise. I’m supposed to tell her what I think Sury will say is the biggest issue between us. I’m really angry and I kind of lose it. “Well Sury hates that I use medical marijuana. But I’m not an addict! I only use what I have a prescription for!” Shoshie asks me to put myself in my wife’s place and use her words to describe her feelings about it.
I know what Sury thinks. She’s trying to control me and not focus on her own issues. But I try to put myself in my wife’s place, anyway.
“Avi wastes so much money on his “medical marijuana” instead of working on his issues. All he does is wait for his next “fix”, which he calls medicine, when both of us know it’s just him running away from reality. He comes home from work and goes out to smoke. His clothes stink. He can’t get up in the morning. He’s going to get fired because he gets to work late. He’s never focused. He is setting such a bad example for the children. The friends he smokes with are a bad influence.
Shabbos has become the hardest day of the week. By Shabbos afternoon, he is a mess, yelling at everybody, twitching. He comes home late after Ma’ariv for Havdalah because first he has to smoke with his friends. All that matters to him is being high. I tried so hard to get him into rehab. Begged, explained. I tried to be supportive. Doesn’t he care about our family?”
When I finish, I sit very quietly for a long time.
SURY
Shoshie asks me what I believe Avi thinks is our biggest challenge. Well, it’s my cellphone. Avi makes no secret about that. He wishes I went back to using a kosher phone with no texting or internet. He wants total control over my life! Now I’m supposed to imagine what Avi would say about it in his own words.
“My biggest problem is that Sury is addicted to her cell phone. I feel invisible. From the moment she wakes up until she closes her eyes at night, she’s on the phone. It’s driving me crazy, and I feel neglected and unimportant. The kids are late for school almost every day. Instead of eating together she’s on the phone. She’s almost been fired from work for using it too much. On Shabbos she’s cranky and angry because she can’t use it. She gets upset about every little thing. Shabbos afternoon is unbearable with her. She turns what should be the highlight of the week into the worst day. I try so hard to help her focus. To try and understand why she’s checked out of our lives. But we just end up fighting.”
I need a lot of tissues after that. Shoshie tells me she asked Avi to do the same exercise. I wonder what he said?
SHOSHIE
In separate sessions, I delved deeper into Avi and Sury’s individual issues. What I discovered were two individuals carrying heavy emotional baggage. Avi’s marijuana use wasn’t just about recreation; it was an escape from a traumatic childhood. Sury’s phone addiction was her way of coping with her own past.
Separately they shared a lot with me about severe childhood traumas that left deep scars on their souls. Surprisingly, they told me with great compassion, even more about their spouse’s childhood trauma. These were two people suffering from PTSD who cared a great deal about each other. They’d gone into their marriage committed to making a better life for each other and their future family. They had been so focused on helping the other that they lost sight of the work they needed to do to resolve their own issues. Each was positive they could help their spouse change, all coming from a loving place.
With a lot of effort, I helped them focus on making choices for their divorce agreement. And when I saw them separately, they agreed on almost everything! After the exercise I had them do, I thought maybe they would reconsider getting divorced. But they still seemed so frustrated with each other.
SURY
I’m really angry. Avi says he doesn’t need rehab, he’s not an addict and I should stop controlling him. His therapist told him to make stronger boundaries and take his life back from his controlling wife. The only thing that controls Avi is his addiction! Our family’s entire existence revolves around his moods. I don’t want him seeing the children unless he passes a weekly drug test.
AVI
I have a few demands of my own. Sury should give up her smartphone and go back to a kosher phone. And I don’t want her to take the children to her parents’. Since the major fight I had with them a few years back they keep trying to alienate me from my kids.
SHOSHIE Now I beat myself up. I should have just put on blinders and done my job. Not cared so much. They came to me for a divorce agreement, and I made things worse. It was time to go back to joint sessions and get the agreement settled. Despite my previous hopes and some progress on minor issues, they wouldn’t budge on any major issues. I insisted they speak respectfully to one another and listen patiently without interrupting.
We finally completed the divorce agreement, a 15-page document detailing custody, child support, division of assets, educational, medical care, traveling and future simchas. The fee was paid, it was signed, sealed, and delivered to the Beit HaDin.
SURY
When Shoshie calls to tell me the Get ceremony will be in two weeks, I freak out. Avi and I have been through so much together. He is the only person in my life who completely understands what it was like for me growing up. We have the same goals for our kids and I worry what will happen to them if we go through with this. When Avi isn’t smoking he is a gentle, kind husband and a wonderful father. What am I doing? I need to talk to Shoshie so I come right to her office, without an appointment. Does she think I should get divorced? If I was her daughter, what would she tell me? Will my kids go off the derech? Shoshie asks me if I thought I could stay married? I think I could if Avi stopped smoking marijuana.
Shoshie said it’s not her job to tell people whether or not they should get divorced. But I beg her for advice, so she shares her thoughts. She says it seems Avi and I love each other very much and that a lot of the pain each one of us feels is seeing the other self-destruct and feeling powerless to help.
SHOSHIE
I got a message from Avi wanting to reschedule the Get ceremony, because it didn’t work with his work schedule. Interesting for someone who isn’t such a dedicated employee. After meeting with Sury, I wondered if he was also having second thoughts.
I invited them in together for a meeting, on-the-house. The purpose was to try and have them part ways on good terms. They would have a chance to say goodbye, say thank you and make necessary apologies.
I arranged their chairs facing each other, and asked each to share their favorite memory. At first Sury claimed there were no happy times, ever, but eventually she couldn’t pick just one and ended up sharing three.
I asked them to tell each other what they would do differently and to make specific apologies. I had never done this type of thing before, and I found myself crying along with them.
AVI
Suddenly, I raise my eyes to Sury’s and through my tears blurt out, “I don’t want to get divorced. I want to move back into the house. I want to raise our children together. I care so deeply about you, Sury. I feel as if you’re the only person in the world who gets me. Please, let’s try and figure out how to stay together.” Sury swipes at her own eyes and says, “I don’t want to get divorced either, but I’m not able to live with you the way things are now. If we can figure out what we should do starting right now, maybe we can stay together” We both turn hopefully to Shoshie.
SHOSHIE
I truly believe this couple didn’t mean for it to get this far, even though they kept separating. In their previous, individual therapy sessions they had focused on solving the other’s problems and were positive that would bring about the changes necessary for them to stay together. I believe they had reached the point where they were ready to start taking responsibility for their own actions and would be open to putting boundaries on the behaviors that brought so much pain; Avi getting help for his addiction and Sury understanding that her cell phone use was also an addiction that needed to be understood.
I told them about a legal agreement that could help them. It’s called ‘The Shalom Bayit or Divorce Agreement.’ (Heskem Shalom Bayit viLeChilufin Gerushin) Sometimes a couple will begin divorce proceedings and at some point realize they still want to try to stay together. In this legally binding contract, the couple agrees on what each will do towards promoting shalom bayis while keeping all the agreements of divorce in place, in case their efforts are not successful. It’s a wonderful tool, which frees couples from fears of the future and allows them to focus on the present while working on their marriages. They both agreed and we wrote up the terms.
They each had tasks. We made a timeline for Avi to move back in and chose a therapist for each of them to help them with their addictions. We created measurable goals and protected the rights of each one of them if the shalom bayis plan didn’t work. I can’t say that they are living “happily ever after”, but they are happy they’ve stayed together. They’re a work in progress and thankful they chose to work on their marriage.
YANKY & RUCHIE
Trust is the key ingredient to every relationship and family. When trust dies it can erode the most solid, thriving marriage. Trust affects the quality of every communication, act, and moment in the relationship. It is a simple equation: the more trust the more secure and connected two people feel.
YANKY
My hands are shaking as I dial the mediator’s number. This was not part of the plan. How did I get here? I can’t think about that anymore, otherwise I’ll fall apart. I moved out of my home 8 months ago when my wife demanded it. I totally understand her. She’s the perfect wife and mother, stable, dependable, and loving. I messed up big. How many wives would allow their felon husbands, who stole and shamed their family, to continue as before? Imagine “Please pass the salt, dear.” Sure, right after I finish talking to my lawyer to figure out which lies I can say in court to avoid jail time. Real nice dinner conversation. The phone rings four times and I’m ready to put it down, when the mediator answers. Why did Shoshie have to answer? “My wife and I have chosen to get divorced,” I say. “I made some really bad mistakes and basically my wife doesn’t trust me anymore. And she shouldn’t!”
SHOSHIE
Wow! I was pretty impressed with Yanky. He got straight to the issue with such honesty and responsibility. I set up a meeting, very curious to see how this would play out.
RUCHIE
This is humiliating. Not only am I ashamed that my husband’s embezzlement has caused our family pain, I’m embarrassed by having to see a mediator, having my dirty laundry laid out and being divorced. We have 5 young kids. How will they grow up normally? How will they get married? Which yeshiva will accept the children of a felon? Who will make shidduchim with us? These thoughts swirl around in my head and my heart pounds in my chest. Can a 32-year-old die of a heart attack? I have invested so much in my marriage and children. Why did Yanky have to destroy it? I can never trust him again and I can’t live with someone I can’t trust.
SHOSHIE
I started the mediation session as I always do, with “the easy” things. When there is no trust, there are no light topics, only atomic bombs. In the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson “Our distrust is very expensive.”
RUCHIE
How is this agreement supposed to work? How can I trust Yanky to come through?
YANKY
Ruchie has become my enemy. She’s so angry. Every time we disagree, she doesn’t listen to a word the mediator is saying. She just starts threatening: “See you in court.” I know I did very bad things, but it was all for her. She put so much financial pressure on me, insisting she needed to stay home with the kids, that everyone needed expensive clothing, private tutors, vacations. I have apologized a million times. What I did was wrong and I’m trying to take responsibility. But Ruchie’s hostile behavior and her constant emphasis on this one, huge mistake, is locking us out of making the most basic divorce agreements. The root of our problems is I can’t trust Ruchie to accept and love me with my failures. She’s trying to force me to be ‘perfect’.
SHOSHIE
This was proving to be impossible. As a mediator I must be neutral and keep my clients focused on solving the issues. I keep the communication healthy, respectful, and tolerant. But, the hostility flew both ways. Every interaction was fraught with high tension, colored by fear, uncertainty, doubt, and worry.
At a certain point I realized that not only did Ruchie and Yanky not trust each other, they didn’t trust me. They were positive that I didn’t have their best interests in mind. They both believed that if one of them got something, like the silver kiddush cup, the fleishig Pesach dishes – you get what I mean – it meant the other would lose out. This put resolution out of reach. It had become impossible to meet with the couple together.
I reminded them that the focus of mediation is on solutions. I could see they were focused on the problem instead and told them I thought it was because they don’t trust me. Perhaps it was time to move on to litigation or meet separately because we were no longer talking about child custody or division of assets.
RUCHIE
Well thanks to Yanky there are not too many assets to divide! Why should I trust you Shoshie, or anyone for that matter? The man I trusted with my life, my dreams, my children, betrayed me. The only reason we’re in this room is his fault alone, and he doesn’t trust me?! If he really wanted to take responsibility for destroying our family, he wouldn’t argue with me over who gets what. He took away our social standing and ruined us financially. And now he can’t even give me the dining room table? Our house is being repossessed and I won’t be able to get a credit card for the next five years. What right does he have to take anything?
SHOSHIE
Well, this seemed to be going south. It could be a colossal mediation failure on my part. Then I realized that Yanky had waited patiently for Ruchie to finish her outburst before quietly saying she was right. I thought maybe there was hope after all. But a moment later I realized he was saying that I’m the one who’s right. (Shucks, as much as I love being told I am right I thought he meant Ruchie was.)
YANKY
Shoshie, you’re right. There is no trust here and how could there be? Despite the fact that I have been a great husband, father and provider spiritually and financially for this family, nothing I do has ever been enough. Ruchie, you have a part in this too. Until you realize committing a financial crime doesn’t make me a bad person, we can’t go forward. I can’t trust you to accept me for who I am, and still respect and love me when I don’t make enough money. Trust goes both ways. My mistake doesn’t erase all the good I did. Until you look in the mirror and realize that you’re not perfect, I know it’s your life’s pursuit, this is going to be the nasty divorce we promised we wouldn’t have.
SHOSHIE
I encouraged them to list the pros and cons of both mediation and litigation. In the end they chose mediation. My guess is they based their choice on financial limitations. Litigation is really expensive.
I suggested we start from the beginning, keeping in mind that in mediation you are not obligated to agree to anything. In litigation you are obligated to keep the decisions the Dayanim make on your behalf. (These are men who aren’t able to get to know you or your children well.) I told them that as much as they didn’t trust me, I wasn’t going to force them into anything. We would keep coming up with possibilities until both of them agreed on a sustainable solution.
During the process, I realized that Ruchie and Yanky didn’t trust themselves.
YANKY
How can I trust myself now to make good decisions? How could I have let my family down like that? Maybe I would do better if someone else would make decisions for me. Or I didn’t have to make any at all.
RUCHIE
I trusted Yanky, I thought he was honest. We shared everything. I always thought I could read a person like a book. And yet, the person who is supposed to be the closest to me, has pulled the wool right over my eyes. I can’t look at myself in the mirror. I can’t bear the thought that maybe I’ve contributed to Yanky’s committing a felony, even if it was only 1%. I can barely go into a store. I have boycotted simchas since the story broke. I don’t return phone calls or texts. I’m positive that everybody knows and is talking about it because I used to be one of those tongue wagers. To be honest, I loved these kinds of stories. They made me feel superior, exactly how I like to feel. This mediator is starting to get on my nerves. I just want to be done with this and I want some vindication. Yanky has robbed me of my perfect life and Shoshie won’t give it back to me. She keeps asking me to move forward and help create a sustainable agreement. Shoshie tells me that children need a father who has to be able to function, with a decent place to live and the ability to provide for the kids. Logically, during very quiet moments I know she is right. But those moments don’t come often and I’m mostly just filled with rage.
SHOSHIE
We crawled through the process of creating a divorce agreement. Yanky was very indecisive and each decision was excruciating. Ruchie kept holding on to the “you owe me” card. Eventually, slowly (and I mean really slowly) we had a signed agreement a week before Purim. We also had the signed request for the Beit HaDin to schedule the Get for the earliest day possible.
The next day, while at the Beit HaDin, I filed the signed agreement and the other paperwork. I requested the Get for before Pesach but a full calendar made it impossible. Eventually we secured a slot right after Pesach.
When I told Yanky and Ruchie the date for the Get, they were both furious. They wanted the divorce now. We had finally reached an agreement and they could not bear the agony of waiting for it to all be over.
I am used to bearing the brunt of clients’ rage. They are in a very vulnerable place and no matter how well I do my job, divorce is always a lose-lose situation. I apologize to all the super positive people out there for these very dark words, but that’s the truth. When you split the yomim tovim between parents, one of them always loses out on special time with the children. One will always miss a birthday every other year. L’havdil assets – a family that can barely finish the month with one house, one electric bill etc., now needs to support two houses and two electric bills. Even when I get one of my clients a “great deal” in child support via litigation, it comes with a price. Then there is the “justice” part. No matter what the terms are, very few clients ever feel they get justice. When splitting a family and all the assets there really is no justice. So, I am used to taking the full force of frustration and disappointment.
When we wrote their agreement, Yanky and Ruchie thought they would already be divorced by Pesach. Now that that wasn’t going to happen, they asked for a mediation session to talk about how to handle it. For the past couple of years, they had been going to a 5-star hotel. Clearly that was out. Ruchy was exhausted and couldn’t fathom making Pesach with all the kids and no father at the head of the table. Yanky was too ashamed to be a guest without the children, even at his parents’ house. The children had asked for one last chag together.
RUCHIE
I am very hesitant to let Yanky back in the house. How do I know he’ll leave after the chag? We’ve been apart for almost a year. I can’t fathom sharing a room and the kids would think it weird if he stayed in the guest room. Now they’re begging me and I’m mad at Yanky for giving them this idea.
YANKY
Ruchie will be on my back the whole chag. If I do anything not in line with her vision of perfection it’s going to be a big issue. She’s so resentful and bitter. Pesach together might be toxic. Maybe it is better for the kids not to be reminded of those horrible times. On the other hand, I want to be with them. I don’t want to be a shnorer at somebody else’s table. I’ll have many more years in the future to get used to that.
SHOSHIE
I pointed out that they had actually taken a first step towards trusting each other when they signed their divorce agreement. Then I asked if they thought they could trust each other if we made a contract just for Pesach, detailing specific rules. They took a moment, looked at each other, then both answered yes.
We spoke about their many concerns and each set boundaries and how to enforce them in a respectable way. The signed Pesach agreement was a ‘short’ (3 pages!)
The day after the chag, both texted me asking for an appointment asap. I assumed it had been a disaster. But it wasn’t! It was a huge success. They went into Pesach with clear boundaries, trusting that each would stick to them. Yanky and Ruchie were so encouraged by the pleasant Pesach they had together and thought maybe there was a possibility for them to regain trust in themselves and each other.
We changed their divorce agreement to a Shalom Bayit/ Divorce Agreement. (Heskem Shalom Bayit viLeChilufin Gerushin). Here was another couple who weren’t entirely sure they wanted a divorce. The contract gave them the freedom to try and rebuild their relationship without the prospect of having to go through negotiations again if they were unsuccessful.
Our final session had been amazing. They committed to couples’, and individual therapy. Yanky and Ruchy both realized that just as trust could be lost it could be rebuilt.
Conclusion
The above stories are the exception. These couples were ‘saved by the bell’. They heard the faint ring indicating life and responded. I’m grateful to Hashem for allowing me to be the conduit for these miracles. Less than 5% of my clients choose the Shalom Bayis agreement. Most who begin the divorce process, through mediation or litigation, continue that trajectory. But in my opinion, they have merited a form of tichiyas hameisim, nevertheless.
There is no happily ever after, but there is happily working after, happily growing after. Those who have the courage and strength to go through with a divorce are experiencing their own miracle. Although their marriage was irreconcilable, they are ‘reborn’ into a new healthier self. There is no ‘one size fits all’.
I daven that I’ll always do the will of Hashem, whether it be making Shalom Bayit or helping a client divorce with dignity – also a miracle. Not every marriage is destined to be saved. Just as no one gets married unless it is preordained from Above, one cannot get divorced without divine intervention. The question is always the same: How can we do right in Hashem’s eyes?
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