“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Going through a divorce, even if you’ve initiated it, is painful and difficult. At the same time you’re dealing with the inevitable questions and friendly advice, you will find yourself struggling with your own doubts, fears and guilt. And against the backdrop of these complex emotions, you’ll be required to chart your divorce course, and make a myriad of decisions which will irrevocably impact both your life and your children.
Many of my clients come to me seeking justice. The problem with that is, unfortunately, it doesn’t work. The court system does not provide justice. Very rarely will someone conclude divorce proceedings and feel they got what they deserved. The financial and emotional cost of fighting for justice will deplete you completely and even if you get the vindication you sought, exhaustion might prevent you from recognizing it and certainly from enjoying the ‘Win’. During a divorce you need to pick your battles very carefully, estimating the collateral damage and determining if you are able to emotionally and financially pay the price.
I have clients who are determined to prove that their spouse is an unfit parent, or that the other party is at fault for the demise of the marriage. And they are willing to devote all their energy towards that endeavor.
But is that really in your control? Can you dictate what people (society as well as the judges) think? What impression does that make? A more effective method of dealing with the grief and pain of divorce, is to focus inward. Focusing on your circle of control, your decisions, thoughts and actions, will get you much further in the courtroom and out.
There are those clients who were completely focused on only those things within their control. They worked on themselves, went to therapy, and by looking in the mirror, learned to deal with their grief. More often than not, these were my clients who had the best divorce outcomes in both mediation and litigation.
I have seen reports from the social service department, praising parents who are honest, keep within their circle of control, and are open to receiving guidance from professionals. I do not recommend giving up on everything, but rather to choose what is important based on your needs, and not on a vendetta.
When I meet with a new client, our first step is to create a pyramid of needs and wants. Then together we map out the different paths which are available to attain those goals. This list evolves as the divorce progresses or situations change. Throughout the process it’s important to constantly remind yourself of your main goals and remember their order of importance.
If you accept what can't be changed and spend your efforts changing what you can, you'll be able to go from conflict to control. Your family will be much better off in the long run.