Parental alienation threatens the parent-child relationship and the very foundation of an emotionally healthy life. Make sure you’re promoting a good relationship between your children and the spouse you’re divorcing.
A Parent Is Forever
Becoming a parent is an awesome transformation with myriad responsibilities. It requires you to take on many roles. You become the provider of your children’s basic needs, including food, shelter, clothing, emotional wellbeing and health. You watch over them as they learn to crawl, walk, and explore the world around them. And you set boundaries for them as they grow older, enforcing rules to teach them about responsibility, accountability, and consequences.
But one of the most important things a parent provides for their children is emotional support, care, and a sense of security. When children grow up being nurtured in a loving and supportive environment, they can develop a strong foundation for their emotional well-being.
A parent’s role evolves as the children grow and develop. Successful parenting involves adapting to the changing needs of the child while maintaining a supportive and loving environment. But what happens when the solid, safe, predictable world you and your spouse have worked on creating for your children is threatened by your divorce?
Children and Divorce
Divorce is very difficult. Life changes dramatically. The divorcing couple is faced with emotional turmoil, disruption of the family structure, disappointment, shattered dreams, an uncertain future, financial strain, and the list goes on.
But for the children, it is all of the above and so much more. The routines that they depend on for stability are completely disrupted. The two most important people in their world are distressed, arguing, and unavailable. There’s a danger the children will feel abandoned or carry guilt and blame themselves for their parents’ divorce. And they often experience split loyalties. Their entire lives are turned upside down.
Now imagine that one of the parents, rather than helping their children manage the stress and suffering they are experiencing, decides to use them as pawns in the conflict and tries to turn them against the other parent. That is parental alienation.
Parental Alienation
(Before we talk about parental alienation, we must differentiate it from parental abuse. They are often used interchangeably but are very different in both definition and legal implications. Parental abuse refers to any physical, emotional, or psychologically harmful behavior or pattern of behavior that a parent intentionally inflicts on their child. This requires immediate attention and intervention to ensure the protection and welfare of the child involved. If you suspect that a child is being abused, seek professional help and legal advice right away.)
In my experience as a Toenet and a divorce mediator, I’ve observed that very few people set out to damage their children in a divorce. But, unfortunately, parental alienation does just that and happens far too often. Unresolved conflicts and personal grievances between the separating couple can cause one parent to try and damage the relationship between the child and the other parent. They use manipulation, including negative comments, false accusations, or withholding visitation rights. The alienating parent does everything in their power to undermine the child’s relationship with the targeted parent with the goal of having the child eventually cut the parent out of their life altogether.
“I can’t afford to buy my boys the kinds of gifts I used to, before I filed for divorce. (Their mother has been showering them with expensive toys – paid for by her parents.) She’s telling them I don’t care about them anymore. That I am divorcing them as well as her. Now they’ve refused to see me.”
“My ex-husband destroys the little notes I leave for my daughter before she sees them. He constantly changes or cancels the mother-daughter activities I’ve planned and tells her I don’t want to see her after all. She no longer trusts me and won’t come to the phone when I call.”
The first step towards understanding how parental alienation can happen is to recognize where it comes from. Sometimes when people are faced with intense emotions, they lose their way. They experience a lack of control, jealousy, and unresolved anger towards the other parent. They want revenge. In some cases, someone may feel threatened by the child’s growing relationship with the other parent and seek to maintain dominance in the child’s life.
Parental Alienation Hurts Everyone
Parental alienation can have a profound and lasting effect on children. The emotional manipulation and stress they endure can lead to a range of issues, including anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and difficulties forming healthy relationships in adulthood. The child may develop a distorted view of the targeted parent, resulting in strained or severed relationships that persist into their later years.
Participating in parental alienation isn’t just bad for the child; it also brings lasting consequences for the parent doing the manipulating. The emotional toll on the child can damage their relationship with the manipulating parent over time. Plus, there can be serious legal consequences, like custody battles and court interventions, for those engaging in these behaviors.
The courts take parental alienation (ניכור הורי – nikor horie) very seriously. In 2019, Israel implemented a groundbreaking pilot project aimed at curbing the spread of parental alienation. The project involved the establishment of special courts and dedicated professionals trained to recognize and address parental alienation cases promptly. A Toenet can bring a petition in the Rabbinic court called a renewal of the contract (חידוש קשר – chiddush kasher). (A family law attorney can bring the petition in the Family courts) This is an order for the alienated parent and their children to be guided by skilled and experienced practitioners towards reuniting. This initiative emphasizes the importance of early intervention and provides resources to help families navigate the complexities of divorce without resorting to harmful behaviors.
How Parents Can Avoid Parental Alienation
Preventing parental alienation requires a proactive approach from both parents involved in a divorce. Open communication and a commitment to putting the child’s well-being first are essential. There are a number of ways to help you avoid getting tangled up in parental alienation.
Encourage a healthy relationship: Support your child’s relationship with the other parent. Encourage open communication and a sense of security in both households.
Maintain consistency: Establish consistent routines and rules between both households to create stability for the child.
Seek professional help: If conflicts persist, consider seeking the assistance of a family therapist or counselor to help with communication and resolution.
Focus on co-parenting: Shift the focus from individual grievances to cooperative parenting. Attend parenting classes or counseling to improve communication and conflict resolution skills.
What to Do If Parental Alienation Happens to You
If you find yourself a victim of parental alienation, take proactive steps for the well-being of both you and your child.
Document incidents: Keep a record of any alienating behaviors, including dates, times, and specific incidents. This documentation can be valuable if legal intervention becomes necessary. (emails, WhatsApp messages etc.)
Seek legal advice: Consult with a toenet rabbanit or family law attorney to explore legal avenues for addressing parental alienation. This may involve modifying custody arrangements or seeking court-ordered counseling. (חידוש קשר – chiddush kasher)
Engage in therapy: Both individual and family therapy can provide a supportive environment for addressing the emotional impact of parental alienation and rebuilding relationships.
Be patient: Resolving parental alienation takes time. Stay focused on your child’s well-being and work towards fostering a healthy relationship.
Your Role as A Divorced Parent
As difficult as it may be, your role as a parent becomes even more critical during a divorce. Couples get divorce but a parent is forever. So you must take important steps to support your children during this difficult time.
Emotional Support: Parents need to provide emotional support, understanding, and reassurance to help their children cope with the emotional impact of divorce.
Maintain Stability: Providing a consistent routine and familiar living arrangements will help a child feel a sense of security.
Good Communication: Open and honest communication is essential. Parents should communicate with each other about co-parenting arrangements, and with their children in an age-appropriate manner, addressing their concerns and keeping them informed about changes in the family structure.
Co-Parenting Collaboration: Successful co-parenting involves collaboration between both parents. It requires setting aside personal differences and focusing on the best interests of the children. Creating a cooperative co-parenting relationship helps provide a stable and supportive environment for the children.
Encouraging a Positive Relationship with the Other Parent: Encouraging a positive relationship between the children and their other parent is crucial. This involves avoiding negative talk about the ex-spouse and supporting the child’s right to love and maintain a relationship with both parents.
Legal Responsibilities: Parents must fulfill their legal responsibilities, including complying with custody agreements, visitation schedules, and financial obligations. Following the rules helps make things more predictable for the children.
Help children cope by sharing Information: Depending on the age and maturity of the children, parents should provide them with age-appropriate information about the divorce. Being candid can help children understand the situation and reduce anxiety.
Seek professional support: Divorce can be emotionally challenging for both parents and children. Seeking the assistance of family therapists, counselors, or support groups can be beneficial in navigating the emotional complexities of divorce and co-parenting.
Be flexible: Flexibility and adaptability are key qualities in the role of a parent during divorce. Unexpected situations may arise, and being open to adjusting co-parenting arrangements or schedules can contribute to a smoother transition for everyone involved.
Take care of yourself: Parental self-care is often overlooked but is crucial during a divorce. Taking care of one’s physical and mental well-being ensures that parents are better equipped to provide the support and stability their children need.
Couples Get Divorced, A Parent Is Forever
Couples get divorced. But parents don’t divorce their children. The responsibilities you have for your children don’t end when your marriage ends. So, stop and do a reality check. Are you being careful to promote a good relationship between your children and their other parent? Make sure you are doing everything you can to help them navigate this major change in their lives. You may not be married to their father or mother anymore, but you’ll always be your child’s parent.
I am a Toenet Rabbanit (halachic advocate) who specializes in helping people navigate divorce, exclusively in the Rabbinic courts. I offer resourceful problem-solving, realistic legal strategies and compassionate support. Contact me to set up a free consultation for divorce or mediation or to petition for a chiddush kasher.
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