Avoiding these common mistakes when getting divorced will alleviate some of the stress and help you create a better plan for you family's future.
1. Moving out of the family home without a plan.
Moving out may be exactly what is in everyone’s best interest, but without a plan it’s a recipe for disaster, especially if there are minor children involved. Your ownership rights to the property will most likely not be affected, that is a myth.The real issue is the minor children, the items you leave in the house (both communal and personal) and if you have a mortgage or pay rent, who will make those payments. Even if there is a threat of domestic violence or domestic violence has already occurred, before you make a move please, consult with a toenet or another legal representative to put a strategic plan in place.
2. Not being the first to file for divorce.
Filing first gives you more control over certain aspects of your divorce, like choosing which jurisdiction will hear your case. Some cases are more favorable if filed in the family court, and others fare much better in the rabbinic court. Also, by filing first, you have the right to speak first at the mandatory mediation session (ישוב סיכסוך - yishuv sicsuch) as well as in court hearings. Well meaning friends and family may try to warn you that it’s not a good idea to file first, however the reality is very different. It is imperative that you consult with a toen/et or another legal representative to determine where to file.
3. Choosing poor representation.
a. Don’t be tempted by offers from a friend to use their great lawyer who may not be well versed in family law. When it comes to a lawyer who is a ‘jack of all trades’ you’re really getting a ‘jack of no trades’.
b. There are many great, very successful divorce attorneys who excel in family court, but do not understand the nuances of halacha. So be sure you are represented in the rabbinic court by a toen/et who approaches your case based on a deep understanding of Jewish law and the dayanim (judges) who make the rulings.
c. Don’t hire someone you’re not comfortable with. Make sure they listen to you attentively. That doesn't necessarily mean they will agree with you, but they need to hear and understand how you feel. It's important to choose a representative that you trust.
d. Make sure they are available. Is it easy to reach them? What’s the time rate for call backs / responses? Divorce cases are not 9-5! Emergencies happen often even if your case is very simple. (I haven’t yet seen a simple divorce.)
4. Hiding money or concealing assets.
Concealing assets will almost always come back to bite you, and hard. It’s an understandable impulse. You may be dealing with fear, stress and the need for self-preservation. It sounds counterintuitive to reveal everything, but if you conceal assets and it is discovered (which it usually is) you can be assured, there will be consequences.
5. Keeping secrets from your advocate.
Going through divorce frequently causes people to confront their own actions and behaviors, as well as acknowledging how they’ve allowed their spouses to treat them. Both scenarios could cause embarrassment and shame. But the last thing you want is for your advocate to be blindsided either in court or in negotiations. So, as uncomfortable as it may be to be honest, withholding these details from your advocate could have direct, sometimes irrevocably damaging consequences to your case! This doesn’t mean you need to tell them everything. Try giving them the headlines of the things that are difficult to admit, and let them ask questions. If you are in a personal cycle of self-shame and self-judgment you will probably feel judged by your advocate. But if this is not the case and you are feeling judged anyway, it’s quite possible the person you’ve chosen may not be the right representative for you.
6. Alienating the other parent.
Parents divorce, children don’t divorce. Trying to distance your child from the other parent will not help your case! Abusive situations are a tightrope to be walked with the utmost care. Abuse is very difficult to prove. What's more, the abuser can easily flip the guilt onto you, making the abuser out to be the victim and you the bad guy. If there is abuse going on, it should be reported independently of the divorce. The two matters should be separated. Waiting to file for divorce and filing allegations of abuse at the same time might not be advantageous to your case. Before taking any action, you absolutely must get advice from a legal advocate.
Please consider mediation over litigation. It is the optimal way to divorce. It's not a match for everyone, so it’s advisable to look into different modalities of mediation and determine which will work best for you in your situation. I highly recommend collaborative divorce mediation. Although it costs more than regular meditation, this method, which is more than just signing an agreement, will assist you in meeting your long term financial goals and better benefit the children. Here is more information on collaborative mediation.
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