Divorce Strategies for Families with Special Needs Children

The end of a marriage is always a sad event. It brings with it the trauma of a crumbling family and the loss of a sense of security. In addition, far too often, the divorcing couple must also endure feelings of isolation and alienation from a judgmental community that has historically looked at divorce as a failure. But, when you are getting divorced and you are raising a special needs child, you may be feeling doubly alienated.  

While the term ‘special needs’ has a wide range of definitions, for the purpose of this discussion, we’ll be sticking to children who depend on regular patterns and stable schedules to function. This includes high functioning children on the autism spectrum, those diagnosed with ADD, ADHD, or ODD, or those with other significant learning disabilities.

Divorce is traumatic for every child. But the disruptions it brings to the life of a special needs child who relies on consistent routines and expectations, can mean major setbacks that are hard to overcome. It’s extremely important that you find a legal representative who understands what it’s like to experience the helpless feeling of turning a struggling child’s life upside down in a divorce. And one who is able to help you develop a legal strategy that gives these children the best chance of success. I can tell you from my own experience, getting divorced while raising a special needs child, I had to address much more than asset division, child custody and child support. I relied on highly respected specialists to help me come up with the necessary elements I needed to put in place, to help my child’s adjustment to our new reality. 

In my role as a toenet rabbanit and mediator, I’ve consulted with experts in many fields – child psychologists, sociologists and parent coaches – to assist me in developing a realistic and supportive strategy for guiding parents of special needs children through divorce. I recently interviewed renowned clinical psychologist and parent educator Dr. Ilyssa Bass on Divorcing with Complex Kids: Helping Neuro Divergent Kids Navigate Divorce.

The following short checklist provides a starting point for devising a parenting plan, and a divorce agreement that will provide the best possible support for your special needs child. 

You and your child are going to need a lot of support. The teachers, guidance counselors and therapists in your child’s life can suggest the appropriate language to explain that Abba and Imma are getting divorced. Let their expertise be your guide for creating a plan to help your child adjust to the new reality.

When creating your divorce agreement or parenting plan please be aware that DOUBLES are a must! Your child needs to have all their medications, schoolbooks, uniforms, sports clothing, dance shoes and any medical equipment available to them in both homes. Expensive – yes! Necessary – yes!. Extremely reassuring and calming for your child – yes!

When creating your divorce agreement or parenting plan make sure that any government benefits your child may be already receiving are accounted for in determining the management of the benefits, and who is responsible for the funds if the benefits continue past the age of 18. If your child is not getting government benefits, it is imperative to check eligibility. I work with a number of organizations who are experts at navigating the bureaucracy of obtaining disability insurance.  

Parents may not agree on the choice of therapy, or schools, or even medication for the child. These differences must be addressed in the divorce agreement and when necessary, via litigation. In Israel, after the divorce, both parents must agree on any and all the child’s treatments (tipulim) over and above standard doctor visits. If you and your ex are on two different planets regarding your child’s course of treatment or schooling, you might consider petitioning the court to appoint a parental coordinator (metaim hori) who will be given jurisdiction over making final decisions. (In another of my podcasts, I was joined by expert parental guide and coordinator Jeff Friedman where we discussed Co-Parenting with a Narcissist and Part 2 – Co-Parenting with a Narcissist. There are pros and cons to giving a parental coordinator this kind of authority. So you must consider it carefully with your toenet rabbanit (advocate).

You may be laughing as you read this item, which probably means that you really need it. Taking care of yourself is a necessity not a luxury. The best way to cope with the challenges that come with getting divorced when you have special needs kids (and all kids for that matter) is to make sure you are taking care of your mental, emotional and physical health. 

• Seek out a counselor or other mental health professional for yourself. The better support you have, the better you can support your child.
• Tap into friends and family for support. Being able to have a good cry, in a safe environment or receive a meal, is crucial to your ability to stay calm for your child. 
• Your physical health is of paramount importance. Our bodies support everything! Take 5 minutes a few times a day to breathe deeply. More oxygen in our systems reduces stress and anxiety. 
• Go for a walk when you’re able. 
• Stay hydrated. 

If you can’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of your child.

When parents are able to agree on a joint parenting plan for their child, it makes it easier for everyone – including the court. Children on the autistic spectrum, even when they are high functioning, may struggle to adapt to all the changes divorce brings into their lives.

Consult your child’s ‘team’ of professionals for ways to help them adapt from one home with two parents to two homes with one parent each. As much as you’re able to wean them slowly, from one set of circumstances to the other. 

• Special attention should be given to planning visitation schedules that best suit your child. A child who suffers from an anxiety disorder will need a clean and predictable schedule.
• Keep visitation schedules consistent and avoid erratic changes. 
• If your child receives physical, occupational or speech therapy outside of school, these appointments need to be included in the parenting plan. Who will take the child? Who will make the arrangements via the insurance company?
• A child who is receiving stimulant medication, may need a longer exchange window from one parent to the other. They’ll need the extra time to wind down.

In navigating the tumultuous waters of divorce, it is essential for parents of special needs children to have a comprehensive strategy. Assembling a supportive team of your legal representative, educators, counselors, and therapists is paramount in formulating a plan that accommodates your special needs child. Meticulous planning and a method to facilitate joint decision-making processes is vital to safeguarding your child’s interests and to reduce the feelings of alienation for everyone in the family.