From the Desk of a Toenet Rabbanit: Leaving a Narcissist with Support and Dignity
Are you stuck in a psychologically or physically destructive marriage with a narcissist? Are you considering leaving an abusive situation but don’t know where to start? If you’re married to someone who behaves like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, leaving can feel like an insurmountable challenge.
In my role as a toenet rabbanit and mediator, I have guided countless individuals through this harrowing journey. A critical part of this process is building a strong support network—a triangle consisting of the client, a toenet rabbanit, and a therapist or mental health professional. Together, this support system helps clients navigate the complexities of leaving a narcissist and prepares them for the ongoing challenges that often follow.
The Reality of Narcissistic Relationships
A narcissistic partner can be charming and likable in public, but at home, they may exhibit chronic entitlement, condescension, manipulation, and emotional abuse. This makes leaving such a relationship extraordinarily difficult, especially when the narcissist has convinced others of their “perfect” persona.
If this describes your situation, you’re not alone.
Common signs of narcissistic abuse include:
- Constant criticism and blame
- Isolation from friends and family
- Controlling behavior
- Emotional manipulation and gaslighting
If you’re unsure whether your experience qualifies as narcissistic abuse, reach out to a trusted professional for guidance.
Leaving Is Not a Failure—It’s Survival
Many of my clients struggle with guilt and self-doubt when contemplating leaving. As an empathetic person, you may feel dishonest or even disloyal for considering an exit.
But let me reassure you: your decision to leave is not a reflection of your character. It reflects their choices.
You were not designed to endure a toxic environment, and Hashem’s plan for you is one of peace, joy, and freedom. Leaving a narcissist is not a failure of your efforts to save the relationship—it is an acknowledgment of the environment’s toxicity and the need to protect yourself and, if applicable, your children.
As much as you’ve likely tried to fix things, you’ve probably realized that no amount of compassion, love, or effort will change a narcissist’s behavior. Leaving is an act of courage.
The Psychological Toll of Narcissistic Abuse
Living with a narcissist often feels like being trapped in a cycle of manipulation and control. Many clients describe constant feelings of self-doubt, anxiety, and fear. You might wake up every day walking on eggshells, trying to avoid their next outburst.
One of the most harmful tactics used by narcissists is gaslighting:
- Insisting events didn’t happen the way you remember
- Accusing you of being overly sensitive
- Dismissing your feelings as irrational
Over time, this mental and emotional abuse can erode your sense of self-worth. Recognize that the problem is not you—it’s the environment created by the narcissist. Healing begins when you accept that you deserve better.
Building a Support Network: The Triangle of Strength
To successfully leave a narcissistic relationship, it’s essential to have a support network in place. I recommend forming a “Triangle of Strength”:
- The Client
You are at the center of this process. Your courage and willingness to seek help are the first steps toward freedom. - Toenet Rabbanit
As a toenet rabbanit, I provide legal, halachic, and practical guidance. I work with you to navigate the complexities of divorce within the Orthodox framework. - Therapist or Mental Health Professional
A therapist helps you address the psychological impact of abuse, rebuild your confidence, and develop strategies for emotional resilience.
This triangle ensures you have the emotional, spiritual, and practical tools needed to move forward.
Preparing to Leave: Practical Steps
Leaving a narcissist requires careful planning to ensure your safety and well-being.
Critical steps include:
- Keep Your Plans Private: Do not share your intentions with the abuser or anyone who might inform them.
- Seek Legal Advice: Work with a toenet rabbanit experienced in narcissistic abuse dynamics.
- Document Abuse: Keep detailed records of incidents, including dates and descriptions.
- Secure Finances: Open a separate bank account and gather important documents.
- Build a Supportive Community: Connect with trusted friends, family, or support groups.
- Change Passwords: Update passwords and secure accounts with two-step verification.
- Play the Long Game: If immediate departure isn’t possible, plan for an exit over time.
Spiritual and Practical Guidance
Our Torah provides wisdom even in situations as complex as this. Consider Yaakov leaving Lavan. Lavan was a master of gaslighting, yet Yaakov planned his departure carefully, prioritizing his family’s safety.
Sometimes, leaving is not only permissible but necessary to fulfill Hashem’s greater plan for you. Abuse is not part of the marriage covenant, and your safety and sanity must take precedence.
The Narcissist Never Stops
One of the hardest truths to accept is that a narcissist often continues their abusive behavior even after the relationship ends.
Post-separation tactics may include:
- Stalking
- Parental alienation
- Legal harassment
- Financial control
Ongoing support from a therapist and guidance from a toenet rabbanit is critical. Together, we can establish boundaries, navigate co-parenting (if applicable), and protect your peace of mind.
Join Us at Divorcing with Dignity
For mental health professionals, community leaders, and activists, the Divorcing with Dignity conference is an invaluable opportunity to learn more about creating a triangle of support for those facing the challenges of leaving a narcissistic partner.
You are not alone. With the right support network, thoughtful planning, and faith, you can take the first steps toward a life of freedom and dignity.
