Introduction
Narcissists are often skilled at disguising their manipulation with spiritually charged language, using religious principles to avoid accountability and shift blame. They can appear pious while engaging in behaviors that contradict true Torah values. Perhaps you have encountered someone who outwardly appears devout, yet their actions leave you feeling confused, guilty, or silenced. This article will explore the most common spiritually manipulative phrase used by narcissists and provide a Torah-based approach to addressing such behavior.
The Manipulative Mindset
A narcissist inherently believes that any issue in a relationship stems from the other person’s flaws, not their own. They view themselves as beyond reproach and will deflect responsibility, making any conflict about your perceived shortcomings rather than their actions. Engaging with such individuals can be emotionally exhausting and spiritually damaging.
The Cloaked Language of Manipulation
It is important to note that not everyone who uses certain phrases is necessarily manipulative. Sometimes, spiritual language can be used sincerely and with good intent. However, when such statements are used repeatedly to silence concerns, invalidate feelings, or avoid accountability, it becomes a pattern of manipulation.
- The most common manipulative phrase is:
- “If you’re feeling hurt, perhaps Hashem is showing you something in your heart that needs fixing.”
- Other variations include:
- “The Torah teaches us to examine ourselves first—maybe this conflict is more about your middot than about my actions.”
- “The yetzer hara might be trying to cause division between us—perhaps you need to check where you are letting it in.”
Why Are These Statements So Harmful?
- Deflection of Responsibility – Redirects focus to supposed flaws instead of addressing the real issue.
- Spiritual Gaslighting – Causes you to question whether your feelings and observations are valid.
- Silencing Concerns – Discourages you from raising concerns, leaving manipulative behavior unchecked.
What Does a Torah-True Response Look Like?
A response rooted in Torah values is characterized by humility, accountability, and a sincere desire for peace. For example: ‘If I have done something to hurt you, please let me know so I can correct it.’
A Biblical Example: Natan Hanavi and King David
When Natan Hanavi confronted King David about his sins involving Batsheva and Uriah (Shmuel Bet 12), David did not deflect blame or attempt to silence Natan. Instead, he responded with humility and sincere teshuva, saying: ‘Chatati la’Hashem’ (I have sinned against Hashem).
The Emotional Trap of Narcissistic Relationships
As a to’enet rabbanit and divorce mediator, I have seen firsthand how this kind of manipulative behavior traps people in toxic relationships. The spiritual and emotional confusion created by these tactics can make it incredibly difficult to leave.
Living with a narcissist like this is a slow emotional and spiritual death. Day by day, your confidence, clarity, and sense of self erode. The relationship leaves you questioning your worth and drowning in despair, all while the narcissist maintains a facade of righteousness.
Practical Steps to Overcome Spiritual Manipulation
- Seek Hashem’s Guidance – Pray for clarity and strength.
- Identify Patterns – Write down specific examples.
- Address Issues Directly – Point out patterns respectfully.
- Anchor Yourself in Torah Truths – Focus on verses like ‘Tzedek tzedek tirdof’ and ‘Lo tisna et achicha bilvavecha.’
- Set Boundaries – Protect your emotional and spiritual well-being.
- Evaluate Relationships – Consider whether distance is necessary.
Conclusion: Living in Truth and Shalom
Hashem desires us to live in peace and truth, not under the burden of manipulation and control. By anchoring ourselves in Torah values, prayer, and community support, we can navigate difficult relationships with wisdom and strength.
To learn more about these topics, follow my podcasts on YouTube and join our Divorcing with Dignity Conference in Jerusalem on January 28, 2025.
