Divorce mediation is a preferred approach for many separating couples because it offers a less adversarial, more cost-effective, and faster alternative to traditional litigation. However, the effectiveness of mediation largely depends on the cooperation and good faith of both parties. When one party exhibits characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or borderline personality disorder (BPD), mediation can become significantly more challenging. Understanding the nuances of these personality disorders and their impact on mediation is crucial for determining whether this path is viable.
As a toenet rabbanit and divorce mediator, I specialize in navigating complex divorces. My goal is to help couples achieve resolutions that are not only legally sound but also respectful of halachic principles and the unique dynamics of the community. My experience includes successfully mediating cases involving high-conflict personalities and challenging dynamics, such as those with NPD or BPD.
Successful Mediations: Stories of Hope
One memorable case involved a couple, Rivka and Shmuel. Rivka had been diagnosed with BPD (I stressed diagnosed by a professional and not just an accusation from her spouse) and her fear of abandonment and emotional instability often escalated conflicts. Shmuel was deeply frustrated and felt hopeless about finding common ground. Often people with fear of abandonment can use mediation as a tactic to stall. They orally commit to signing a divorce agreement that needs just one or two small changes and then repeat this request again and again, dragging the process out and never committing. Another typical hitch in divorce mediation when one on the spouses suffers from fear of abandonment, is they often try to stay connected through the divorce agreement. For example not setting clear custody for the holidays, but rather having to renegotiate and interact with the ex before every holiday or vacation. Nesting can be a great option for divorcing parents, but it doesn’t work when dealing with a BPD or with narcissism tendencies ex-spouse.
I began by establishing clear ground rules and creating a safe, structured environment. Rivka often needed validation and reassurance, which I provided to help her feel heard and respected. Once Rivka was able to begin understanding that divorce is the end of the relationship that she knew until now, and constantly reminding her of that. During moments of emotional outbursts, private caucuses allowed her to express her feelings without overwhelming the process. The key here was not to judge Rivka, but to give her space and not having Shmuel manipulated by them. For Shmuel, I focused on building empathy and helping him understand Rivka’s triggers, while also ensuring his concerns were addressed. Shmuel needed to create an agreement with very clear boundaries which he would be able to sustain, keeping his children’s best interest in mind and being realistic about his emotional, physical and financial resources.
The turning point came when Rivka felt secure enough to discuss custody arrangements calmly. Both parties agreed to a structured parenting plan with clear boundaries, which reduced their conflicts. The process was challenging, but by focusing on their shared interest in their children’s well-being, we reached a resolution that satisfied both parties. The process took months to complete, but in the end the couple divorced with a divorce agreement, which was sustainable for both of them.
Another case involved David and Sara. David exhibited narcissistic tendencies, frequently dominating conversations and dismissing Sara’s concerns. Sara felt powerless and was ready to give up on mediation.
In this case, I used strategic framing to appeal to David’s sense of self-interest, highlighting how a successful mediation would enhance his reputation and save him time and money. For Sara, I provided a supportive space where she could articulate her needs confidently. Frequent caucuses allowed me to manage David’s controlling tendencies and redirect the focus to constructive solutions. David’s expectations of controlling every aspect of the children’s lives and by extension, Sara’s, were off the charts of unreasonable. He wanted a guarantee that the children would not be served or have access to a long list of foods including ketchup. By appealing to his need to maintain a good reputation as being a good and generous father and the image he had of himself as the healthier father, we were able to come to an agreed upon parenting contract and divorce agreement.
Through persistence and reframing, we reached agreements on property division and a parenting plan. David’s need for control was balanced by clearly defined agreements, and Sara felt empowered to move forward. Both parties left the mediation with a sense of accomplishment and clarity.
Sara and David’s disagreements did not end with the divorce. People with narcissism tendencies or boarder liner personality disorder rarely disappear but at least they had a contract with clear parameters to fall back on. Both personality types seek control and will continuing seeking it , which is why one of the elements of successfully co-parenting with someone who will try to counter parent is to use an app like “My Family Wizard” or a parental coordinator to facilitate only necessary communication and with boundaries.
When Mediation Fails: Lessons Learned
1. A Case Where Narcissistic Behavior Undermined Mediation
Chaim and Leah came to me seeking mediation, but it quickly became evident that Chaim’s extreme narcissistic behaviors were a significant obstacle. He constantly belittled Leah and refused to consider any compromise, viewing her requests as personal attacks. At a certain point, he began gaslighting me, telling him that I told him that Leah agreed to issue X, when I had told him I would bring it up with Leah and let him know. Anytime that Leah would reject one of his offers, he became paranoid that I was telling Leah not to accept the offer. As a mediator, I must remain nutral and always look towards finding a sustainable and agreed upon solution. But, I cannot work with a couple, when one of the parties thinks that I am plotting against them.
Despite my efforts to establish ground rules and maintain a structured process, Chaim’s lack of empathy and manipulative tactics derailed the mediation. Leah felt re-traumatized, and it became clear that the power imbalance made a fair resolution impossible. I advised Leah to pursue litigation to protect her rights and ensure a just outcome.
2. Emotional Volatility from BPD Leading to Breakdown
Another case involved Miriam and Avi. Miriam’s BPD resulted in intense emotional reactions and rapid shifts in her demands. While Avi was initially patient, he became increasingly frustrated by Miriam’s unpredictability. Miriam’s inability to keep boundaries derailed the process of mediation even more. The couple had separated, Avi move out of the family home. This did not stop Miriam from stopping by Avi’s new home uninvited and critic him about his housekeeping in front of the children.
Despite my attempts to provide a structured process and involve therapeutic support, Miriam’s volatility made it impossible to maintain progress. With Miriam’s permission, I reached out to her therapist and we had a joint session. Both the therapist and I, each one from our professional view, encouraged Miriam to opt for mediation. However, Miriam was not able to mediate and insisted on all out war. Sessions often ended abruptly due to emotional outbursts, and the lack of consistency prevented any agreements from being finalized. Despite Avi’s many concessions to Miriam’s demand, Miriam filed in court. In the end the court awarded Miriam a significantly lower amount of child allowance, half of what Avi agreed to give her in mediation. Miriam paid a lawyer 80,000 shekels to go to war and lost financially and emotionally. The entire family suffered and experienced unnecessary and avoidable pain.
People with personality disorders tend to be consistently inconsistent and predictably unpredictable. Yet, they do tend to cycle and if the mediator can pick up on their rhythm, and catch them at a good time in their cycle, it is possible to negotiate a sustainable divorce agreement. When working on case where one of the parties has a personality disorder or narcissistic tendencies, I like to involve a therapist who can navigate and support the uncoupling- the transition of the family and define their new relationship as ex-spouses.
Mediating divorces involving high-conflict personalities is undoubtedly challenging, but success is possible with the right strategies and support. If you are facing a difficult divorce, I invite you to explore how mediation can help you achieve a dignified resolution.
For a free 20-minute consultation, contact me, Shoshie Goldstein-Nissenbaum, Toenet Rabbanit and Divorce Mediator, at 054-798-5733.
Join me at the Divorcing with Dignity Conference on January 28, 2025, in Jerusalem. Click here to register.
